Just when you think it's all over.

So my gran - the one mentioned in the earlier post today, who'd had a heart operation - had her check up with the consultant today. She'd not been doing too badly even though she hadn't really been doing enough exercise or drinking enough so we weren't expecting it to go badly. I don't think it went badly so much as created a mild concern for the consultant. She's being kept in again because her heart rate's too fast. I don't really know anything else just yet but hopefully it'll just be stress from being out of the house - she hasn't really left the house since her operation. She'd been out a couple of times but always with someone and, when it came to walking less than 500m to go to the doctors the other day, she wanted to be driven.
My gran used to be really independent and always busy - she was really physically fit and had a very 'make do and mend' out look on life and was generally a healthy, robust woman, if slightly overweight due to too many biscuits/carbs. I'm just worried that she's going to turn into one of these frail, sickly, old biddies who are scared to go anywhere in case something happens. We'd spend days in Newcastle walking, talking and shopping, stopping here and there for a bite to eat or a cup of tea but now it seems like that's never going to happen again and I'm worried that she's going to lose herself to this post-op fear.
It's probably nothing - maybe the consultant will give her a nudge in the right direction and she'll be back to her old self by the spring. She gets on well with Mr Lord, he's been her favourite doctor all along. Part of me wonders if it's because he's british and treats her like his own grandmother. She has that slightly narrow-minded personality that a lot of elderly people seem to have regarding 'foreign' doctors. Personally, as long as they speak the language well enough to work effectively, I don't see a problem with having doctors that weren't born and/or raised in Britain.

Anyway. I'm trying not to think about things that worry me, remember.

Today is my only free day this week - no college, no college work and no work. So far, I've pretty much wasted it. I was going to tidy and do yoga - spend the day improving my living and my living conditions. The only 'good' thing I've done is have a fairly healthy breakfast: overnight oats (fruit and nut muesli, a tbsp of maple syrup, topped up with low-fat natural yoghurt in a re-used salsa jar). The rest of my day thus far (at nearly 3pm) has been spent lamenting the death of iOS 6 and playing Papers, Please, which, if you haven't played it, I strongly recommend that you do. It has such a simple concept but it is in fact really captivating.
Regarding iOS 7, I'm not really a fan. It was too much of a change too quickly and nearly everything about its visuals is repulsive. It's cartoonish and child-like and too 'Android'. If I'd wanted something that looked and acted like an android, I'd have bought a friggin' android! I must admit, it is growing on me - very, very slowly. One of the features which I do really like is Airdrop. It's just so handy having aeroplane mode, bluetooth, 'do not disturb', wifi, music, etc in nice, easy-to-operate page which is accessible in one motion from any screen. The way they've changed the navigation bar is ok too - I did really like the other one but this one has much less clutter.
I don't like how blocky all the native icons are now either - it just looks really amateur and childish. I like the iPhone because it was sophisticated and business-like almost in its appearance. Now, though, that's all gone and there's just colours everywhere... Not even slightly muted colours either and it almost looks kind of trashy.
Maybe it'll grow on me. Maybe it's just where my head's at right now and it'll grow on me more as I become less of a cynic. Maybe I'll learn to enjoy trivial things and embracing the inner child. Or maybe pigs will fly.

Until then, I'm just going to make do with what I've got and organise things til I feel better.

After a long absence...

16/9/13

Or at least what feels to me like a long absence, I'm back!

August was, by and large, pretty nasty. I haven't quite decided how I'm going to run down everything that went on so here's a chronological list of most of what went on. 

1) My therapy sessions with my psychologist started up in earnest. 

2) I wasn't feeling too hot on the 30mg mirtazapine so my doctor put me up to 45mg. I then missed my second appointment with Marie, my psychologist. 

3) I went away to Bloodstock for five days - the first weekend of August. It was amazing and I met some really great people but it was also really tiring. 

4) My flatmate decided he was moving out, when I got home from work one evening, and I then found out that my other half had already found us a new flatmate without asking me. I must point out here that I didn't mind so much that I wasn't consulted - I really like the new guy and it wasn't like I had anyone to ask anyway. 

5) My gran (mam's mam) took ill due to ongoing heart problems. She's had a narrowing valve for a lot of years now but none of us were ever expecting anything to come of it. 

6) I went away to a family wedding in Gretna Green for a weekend. It was lovely, I had a great time even though I was largely on my own - Matt was supposed to have the time off but couldn't due to work commitments. 

7) Upon returning from the wedding, I had a really bad day exacerbated by an 'argument'. I turned to self-harm and contemplated taking my life. It got so bad that I had to go to A&E to keep myself safe/alive. I was then given two weeks off work and more diazepam to recover. 

8) My gran had valve replacement surgery and then proceeded to progress amazingly. She was allowed home less than a week after her surgery and has continued to improve steadily. 

9) My grandma (step dad's mam) was rushed into hospital with internal bleeding and organ failure. While in hospital she contracted peritonitis and pneumonia. She later died on the bank holiday Monday after being in South Shields General for seven days. I visited her only once before she died - I was the last grandchild to go. 

10) Matt got his interview for college. It was scheduled for the 28th, my birthday, and he passed well after a fortnight of really hard work.

11) I started therapy again. In the session Marie told me of a special group therapy course that they'll be running this winter. 10 2.5 hour sessions with approximately ten people all with moderate to severe long-standing depression. She think's that I suit the criteria and I thought that it sounded like a good opportunity.

12) I missed therapy again. I slept in - again - meaning I managed to sleep for a solid 14 hours. I rang in and rearranged but now I'm just waiting on my appointment letter arriving. 

13) I turned 21! I ended up having to celebrate the occasion 3 times - twice with family and once with friends (twice with friends if you count my actual birthday, on which Matt and I went out for pizza and did nothing else. 

14) All the while, I was trying to make it to the RVI three times a week for light treatment for my psoriasis. My skin condition is exacerbated by stress so you can imagine how well it was going... And I started working again. 

15) Oh and my pay was about £300 short after being on the sick. I should get it this month though.

THEN September started and, with that, the 3rd year of my FdA in Photography. Talk about stress! 

Today, when I got to the hospital, I asked how many sessions I had left. Just so I could tell work how long it'd be until I went back to my normal shifts - my Wednesday and Monday shifts had to be pushed back two hours so I could fit everything in. My psoriasis had largely cleared up a week or two ago but, knowing that I still had about a month left, I didn't point this out. Also no one asked me. However today, after the nurse said that I had two weeks left, she actually asked how it was clearing up. I told her that apart from a tiny scar on my shin and a tiny, slightly dry patch on my hip, everything treated by the light was gone. At which point she was like "Oh well you're done then!" 

I looked at her from my little light box, standing there in my smalls and a hospital gown, before she added: "Since you're here, have your treatment today and then we'll discharge you."

*I must also point out that, as I write this, there's a toddler sitting on the bus next to me screaming because his mother won't give him any sweets. It's very distracting. I'm also soaked because, before I went into the hospital, it was pretty sunny, once I got out like 10 minutes later, it was pissing down and I'm wearing cloth shoes.*

It's nice, finally being discharged. I don't have to slog it to the city centre three times a week only to come home half an hour after getting there - it seemed like such a dreadful waste of time. And I won't have to work until 10pm on Wednesdays.
Well that's it for today I think, more later - or tomorrow - but I have to go to work now...