Day 1 of Mirtazapine...

I took my first Mirtazapine last night with my Propranolol and Diazepam. I felt fine and I fell asleep almost straight away. I was still exhausted when I woke up like nine hours later!

I was irritable and oversensitive when I got up and when my partner snapped at me because I was making too much rustling noise (my business cards came and I got a little excited about opening them immediately) I became scared and upset because I automatically assumed that he was really pissed off at me. 

Naturally, he wasn't and once I calmed down, I was able to get ready and leave for work. Upon getting there, I came over feeling light-headed and weak. I was nauseous and so tired I could barely stand! Walking was a chore, I was disorientated and confused. I couldn't talk without really concentrating and even when I was sitting down I was clumsy and tired. I kept dropping things and pressing the wrong buttons. An hour and a half in I was feeling worse than ever so I called over one of my supervisors and they arranged for me to go home. I was supposed to go to the hospital on account of how ill I was feeling (light-headed, lethargic, tight chest, short of breath etc) so I called my step-dad, after calling Matt and my mam, to take me there. We got halfway through the one-way maze that is Newcastle's roads before he got so frustrated that he started ranting about how the situation was 'a fucking nightmare'. I was getting really nervous and feeling worse than ever (since it was a fairly hot day and he had the heat blasting 'to cool the engine down') so I offered to just get out and make my own way there. He agreed that would be best and I left. I decided then to screw the hospital and just come home.

I've been home a few hours now and I feel a bit better. I've managed to have lunch and then had a cheese sandwich a few hours ago and I'm trying to keep hydrated but all in all I'm still feeling pretty naff...

I'm just making a watermark for my images at the moment while watching Archer. I'm about to upload a bunch more photography to my photoblog to keep it up to date. Adding the watermark will hopefully stop any theft from happening instantly...

Yesterday I actually managed to do a backwards roll out of an aerial yoga hammock - I was incredibly proud of myself. The session itself was pretty hard, really relaxing though. I spent the two hours prior to that in rent-a-pole/flex spinning and stretching and flipping myself into flexy oblivion. I managed to get into a 'crab' position from my knees but unfortunately not from my feet - give me time and I'll do it though. I'm aching like hell now though. Can't wait until Monday for my next pole class! If I'm up to it by then that is...

New Addition to the 'Sarah's Medication' Family.

As of tomorrow, I'll be replacing my current Fluoxetine tablets with a daily 15mg of Mirtazapine, a noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressant. It's also occasionally given to underweight cats to stimulate their appetite...

As side effects for anti-depressants go, this has fairly minor/run of the mill ones. Anything from nausea to fainting, drowsiness etc. Unfortunately it also creates an increase in appetite and, thus, weight gain. Not really what I need right now but hey-ho maybe I'll start eating regularly enough to lose weight! Interestingly, according to 'the internet' it can also cause 'nocturnal emissions' which is an amusing term for... you guessed it... wet dreams. (If you guessed flatulence, you've obviously never known a guy in puberty!)

The doctor and I came to the conclusion that I should move away from the Fluoxetine when I started not only getting unpleasant mental side effects (dizziness, disorientation, confusion, paranoia, intense and irrational fear, irritability and aggressiveness to name a few) but also some nasty physical side effects - headaches, 'gut issues' (I won't scare you with the details), difficulty regulating my body temperature, restlessness, insomnia etc. etc. We discussed me going back to NTT (Newcastle Talking Therapies) and doing more CBT but since my personal self-review is Star Wars Day (4th May for you non-nerds) and my first appointment with my psychologist is May 16th (Star Wars Day Squared!) it might not be that worth it. It's nice knowing that the option is there though - kind of comforting even.

In non-medication related news, I've got my last formal, group session at college next Tuesday - I didn't make it in this week, I just couldn't bring myself to go. No idea why, it just happens sometimes with the depression - I can sometimes barely leave the bed never mind the house! I finally managed to get all of the essay written and submitted on Tuesday. I don't remember if I've said that already but I managed it at last and I'm proud of myself so I don't mind if I say it twice. The image didn't send the first time apparently but I managed to get it sent properly today thankfully. I know I've lost a substantial amount of my grade but at the moment I consider getting the work in an achievement in itself...
I missed pole on Monday - too tired - but I'm going tomorrow before going to Nando's for lunch with Charlotte.
This month had the best payday ever so I've successfully paid of all my debts, indulged myself a little and bought some amazing little business cards from moo.com. They're incredible - I'll be posting a picture when they're delivered (on May 2nd hopefully!).
*Just got an iMessage from Charlotte - she's skint and can neither make pole nor Nando's tomorrow. Sad Panda... We've rescheduled for a week today.*

After a fun, and sedating, excursion - well, break... - I'm going to leave this here and go to make some Mexican food.
Tortillas filled with refried beans, Quorn pieces, fajita sauce, fresh salad, stir-fried vegetables and mexicana cheese.
Foodie Heaven...

More and More Appointments.

At the moment it seems as though, if I'm not in an appointment with a doctor/nurse, I'm booking one. There was one today - bloods, to check my thyroid and blood sugar; this Thursday, a follow up from my last medication change; the I booked my new therapist - an actual shrink this time - for the 3rd week in May; on the second week of June I've got an appointment with the consultant at the RVI for my light treatment appointments. 

I know that on Thursday I'm going to have to tell my doctor that the Fluoxetine just isn't cutting it and he's already insinuated that, since I was having difficulty adjusting, I'd have to have something new. I hope it's a new SSRI rather than something altogether new - I'm concerned that I'd have a far worse withdrawal/new medication reaction to something that wasn't an SSRI.

I'm getting an actual psychologist instead of a high-intensity therapist because the CBT, even though it was helping a huge amount, just wasn't making the grade in the long run. It helped me make my illness less obvious to others, I bottled things up and people didn't realise because I didn't get the physical symptoms or I didn't react like I usually would have. I told the doctor that I wanted to work further into my past rather than the immediate present because I felt that it helped more when I did things like that with my regular intensity therapist in the first place. I did say this last autumn but no one took any notice back then.

Other than that, I'm still having difficulty finding the motivation to do pretty much anything - go to college, walk to work etc. Hopefully before long they'll have me put right but in the mean time, I'm just going to try my best to do a little bit of something every day. I'll try to walk to work tomorrow instead of getting the bus there and back - I know it's not a long walk, only about half an hour but when I leave the house it just seems impossible...

At least I finally finished that essay for college - took me an extra month but I did it in the end... I've lost about 25% of my grade already and I might even just get 40% overall but at least I handed it in in the end. I wasn't even going to do that the other day. This morning I even contemplated dropping out but then I pulled myself together, made and paid for some amazing business cards and got down to doing the essay and the photo editing. (Click here for more info on my photography and my college work.)

Yesterday involved a lot of personal stress - potentially why I'm feeling so skewed today. Fortunately I have since found out that everything's been resolved well and there's no longer anything to fret about so that's good at least!

I've recently discovered a newfound love of drawing manga and whatnot. I've been on Paigeedraw pretty much everyday since I downloaded it a week and a half ago. I've been uploading pretty consistently too - the only day I've not done anything at all is today because I was determined to do that essay (even though it literally took ten hours to write 1200 words - horrendous for me!). I bought myself some coloured pencils rather than jumping straight in and shelling out £60 for some Copic markers but I haven't had the chance to use them yet. I think I'm going to get some extra overtime in and save up for some Copics, a Fitbit and a set of fancy fat/muscle measuring scales like the Aria ones on the fitbit site... 

I've realised that I want to be fit, regardless of weight or size - I just need to remember that in my not so good moments. I'm going to set myself some goals - I took the idea from the lululemon site earlier today - so I'm going to to do vague ten year and five year ones and then more specific one year ones. I'm going to do three categories (health, personal and career) and there'll be two goals per category. There's a handy worksheet here that I'm thinking of downloading and printing off at college on Thursday.

As for pole dancing, everything's going pretty well. I've almost mastered the split grip and I learned the corkscrew spin the other day. Then I ripped open the side of my middle finger and was consequentially useless for the last ten minutes of my class... I missed it on Monday because I was just so exhausted but hopefully I'll be back in on Friday. I'm also hoping to get my own pole up in the spare room this week sometime. It'll be good to have one here to practice on all the time - maybe that way I'll get better and fitter faster.

Anyway, that's it for now - I'm off to put pizza in the oven for Matt and myself. I might even make myself a packed lunch to take to work tomorrow since I'm doing eight hours rather than my normal six hours. I've got a load of salad and some Quorn chicken style pieces and pitta breads and houmous... The options are endless!

Something to chew over.

I've just posted this on my photography blog/college progress journal that I have to keep as part of my degree. It just struck me - the profound effect my mental state is having on my life and my loves. This time last year, and before then too, photography was everything to me. It's all I wanted to do. Now I hardly ever indulge it.


"So since my summer term begins on Tuesday, I thought I'd best update this again.

I'm struggling. More than I ever have before. I was supposed to hand in an essay two weeks ago. Not only did I miss the deadline because of being sick, it wasn't even finished. I've never found essays hard. Ever. But this is something else. I just can't write it. I can't formulate the words, the argument, the research. I've never just not handed work in!
I think the largest part of the reason for my dreadful attendance and shoddy punctuality is my medication and my current mental state. My struggle with severe depression and anxiety has meant that I have been unable to make it into college on several occasions. There have also been times when medical appointments have interfered with my ability to get to college. Not only that, but they've impacted on my photography. I don't go out anymore just to take photos, I don't organise shoots, I don't do gigs for GetYourRockOut, I don't do any editing. I feel like my dream of getting into the photography business is slipping through my fingers because I can't bear to do anything. I haven't got the energy or the willpower to do anything at all.
From time to time I feel like I can do it: like I can carry on and take photos, like I can make it in the industry. But really, most of the time I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time and money doing this degree. I feel utterly hopeless and lost.
I just don't know where I belong anymore.

Despite all of this, one of our current assignments is all about branding material so I've just spent a couple of hours designing some business cards. I'll be paying for them on Friday because it's payday then and I currently have less than a fiver to my name...
I'm about to start working on my creative CV and add more to my work based learning document. I'm going to email GYRO and explain why I've gone AWOL and hopefully they'll understand. That way I might be able to do some more gigs for them and maybe more interviews.
I love it when I'm there - it really is what I want to do with my life. When I was at Hammerfest in March I would have done anything to be in the pit with the rest of the photographers - it was driving me crazy just being in the crowd.

I'm still thinking of doing a journalism degree after the third year of the FdA. I'm just doubting my ability to do it I guess, along with worrying about the horrendous level of debt I'll have at that point. Heaven knows what the university fees will be like in September 2014.

I've just realised that September 2014 is terrifyingly close. It's a year and a half away. That's no time at all. I don't think I could ever possibly be ready for that!"

Find the rest of the posts - happier posts - at shootforthemoonphotography.blogspot.com
There's also examples of my photography there too!

Phobias

So, since a related event has just occurred, I thought now be an appropriate time to write about some of the things that I have fears of. My list goes thus (mostly in order):

1. Spiders - this is the big one. The only spiders I can usually 'tolerate' are the tiny, tiny, tiny ones. 
2. Centipedes/Millipedes and maggots
3. Most things that have more than four legs (why on earth would anything need more that four legs?)
4. Sharks
5. Imagined 'things' (note: this is usually when I have had a bad meds day or some such)
6. Imagined 'things' in the dark (see note above)
7. Making people angry
8. Deep water (including points 3 and 4)
9. Going crazy
10. Heights

In one fell swoop when I was putting dishes away about twenty minutes ago, I encountered fears 1 and 3. A spider eating, as in actually on top of, a wrapped up hide beetle. Now I have a thing about hide beetles because, they themselves look kinda like woodlice. Their young look like woolly maggots crossed with centipedes. In the last flat I lived in, we had a horrendous infestation of hide beetles. This infestation created the fear.

After I opened the cupboard door and saw this spider - at first I just thought it was a bit of rubbish or something - I sat there transfixed as it moved off the hide beetle then proceeded to run along the sides and back of the cupboard behind the other dishes and away into the dark. I was shaken but ok. Then everything started to itch. Now I'm afraid to pick anything up or move anything in case there's a spider underneath it. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I want to get a drink but I can't because I'm afraid to leave the room.

Now, I was due some propranolol anyway and I didn't take it before work this morning so (I know, I'm not supposed to but) I doubled my midday dose. It's taken the edge off and I've stopped shaking but it hasn't really done anything else. To be honest, when I started taking the propranolol, it made my phobias and such like worse even though it made my anxiety better.

Spiders and other creepy crawlies play the biggest part in my visual hallucinations. I see them coming out of the walls and the ceiling and crawling towards me along the floor. It's not too great. It makes me jumpy. I've mentioned this to my doctor and he at first asked me if I drank a lot because that sort of hallucination can be alcohol related. I've since found out that seeing spiders and whatnot crawling out of walls was something my great grandma saw too. Now I don't drink a lot or very often and I'm fairly certain that she was t-total so I'm not convinced it's alcohol related. As for any other reasons, I'm mildly concerned that I'm going round the bend.

I'll be sure to keep you posted...

In other news, the Herbalife thing is going fairly well. I'm not sure if I've actually lost any weight or inches because I forgot to do my measurements at the start but I'm reacting fairly badly to lots of carbs. For example, I had pizza the other night and was ill all night and the next day... I am enjoying it though so that's something at least :)

Anyway, i'm going to get back to writing my college essay - I'm fairly certain I failed the module already so I'm not sure why I'm even bothering but I just can't leave it unhanded in... 

Insomniac Ramblings

I can smell chocolate.
I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from. But I know that I can smell it... I think it might be from when Matt was eating one of his Easter eggs earlier - there was a chocolate-looking mark on the bed where he'd been sitting.
There's also a chance that it might be coming from my Herbalife shake tub... They're chocolate flavoured and remarkably realistic! I'm enjoying having them - they're quick and easy to make, they taste good and they're generally pretty convenient. With the added weightloss bonus of course...

Anyway, back to what I was originally going to post today...
I've realised that although I started this blog with the intention of going through how I was coping with depression and anxiety and how it all made me feel, I'm not sure I've done much of that.

For me, depression makes me feel worthless and as if I'm not good enough. In turn, that stops me from trying because I believe that I'm crap anyway, so why bother?

Some days, I find it especially hard to get out of bed because I just haven't got the strength to face the day. Everything seems bleak and dark and pointless. I don't want to do anything. Anything I do do is faced done with a rather miserable attitude of 'why am I bothering, I don't want to be here' regardless of how well it's hidden.

I hate the fact that I have to fake smiles. It's exhausting. It's stupid. I don't see why I should do this for others half the time.

Of course, that, to me, comes across as extreme selfishness - something I was raised to hate and avoid at all costs.
This, ergo, makes me feel horribly guilty - like a truly despicable human being. I disgust myself and hate myself. There are times when these feelings get so bad all I want to do is die. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die.
Of course, there are the other times when I do want to take my own life. Whether it be through overdose or through cutting myself somewhere vital. Sometimes I cut myself to feel in control when everything else is too crazy. When it feels like the world has stopped turning but I haven't and all I can hear is my own mental screaming and my own voice and the other voice telling me how worthless and horrible I am. When all I can see are flaws in everything. When I feel so much that I feel nothing. The last of my most recent scars are nearly healed and the itching is driving me mad.

It's pretty tough. Sometimes, like now, I can see that I don't give myself enough credit for dealing with this and getting the help that I have. Sometimes, I don't feel like it's been enough. I know that I'm going to go to the doctors tomorrow and tell him that I don't feel any better. I'm going to tell him that I in fact feel emotionally dead most of the time. That time itself seems to take three times as long. That I'm spacing out, confused, disorientated. I'm not sure what the outcome of that will be but I'll let you know either way.

On a somewhat lighter note, Matt had his closest friend visiting today so I cooked us all whole wheat spaghetti bolognese. It was amazing. We had it with warm, freshly made bread and garlic Lurpack. There's still some bolognese left - I'm planning on having some tomorrow with rice. Or maybe just with salad. Or with pasta salad. I haven't quite decided. Obviously...

Normal People Things

Aside from all the medication, I've recently been doing more normal things like going out for drinks with Emily and going to a Spring Break themed house party hosted by two of the guys I know.

On Friday, with Emily, after squeeing over her baby turtles for a few hours, I went to Tokyo (a cocktail bar in Newcastle, not the capital of Japan) and in the space of three hours we managed to spend £120 of her fiancé's money. She matched me drink for drink (most of which were £7 or £7.50) and then, the next day, was violently ill. I was hungover but, all in all, fine. In the course of the night, one girl and her friend told me I looked 'a bit too booby' and 'awful' which I (and my 36DDs) found very amusing. She insinuated that I was a slut - while dressed like one herself. Personally, I had no make-up on, was wearing a red, thigh-length jumper with a shallow v-neck, galaxy print leggings (not BlackMilk unfortunately) and red converse type shoes. She had a black and white geometric print dress that barely covered her arse and (small) chest and had a shovel full of make-up on. Clearly it was my naked skin that offended her. When I mentioned this to the barman, he offered to spit in her drink.
Later on, another girl asked one of the girls serving on the bar if Tokyo was in China. This resulted in me having a long and arduous conversation enlightening her to the placement of Tokyo in Japan and that, no, Japan is not in China either.
When I got home, Matt was amused at how incredibly mashed I was and later complained that it was 'an absolute mission' to get me to drink an Alka-Seltzer before bed. He was convinced I was going to throw up but I didn't even though I felt like it later when I was at work...
If you ever go to Tokyo, get the Eggs Benedictine and the Tokyo Zombie - they're both absolutely incredible.

On Saturday, after the theatre (Cinderella on Ice with the Russian Ice Stars), I headed over to Andy and Andrew's for their Spring Break party. They even had an inflatable palm tree in the front room! It was an amazing night. I took it pretty easy, after drinking all night the night before and being busy all day Saturday, I really couldn't be bothered. Still with limbo competitions and dance offs, everybody had lots of drunken fun. I'm definitely looking forward to the summer one during which there'll be a BBQ and they'll actually be using the inflatable palm tree for it's true purpose - a giant ice bucket and drinks holder!!!

As for today, I spent the first half writing and the rest doing house work. Now that Matt's heading to Tae Kwon Do, I'm going to do some flexibility training and yoga before making something nice and healthy for tea.

Eight Days Of Fluoxetine, Three Days Of Herbalife.

As you can probably tell, today is my eighth day of taking Fluoxetine instead of Citalopram. The withdrawal symptoms from taking reduced doses of Citalopram were pretty intense. After getting over the viral infection, I still had to take the Penicillin VK until yesterday morning (horrifying tasting stuff that is...) but I was all better and things so all I had to deal with were the bizarre withdrawal symptoms of the Citalopram and the new side effects of the Fluoxetine.
Now, before I started taking it (the Fluoxetine) I'd managed to pretty much terrify myself by reading various accounts of what people had gone through for the first six weeks of taking the new medication. As far as I could tell, most people were taking it for anxiety rather than depression however, and they hadn't previously been taking an SSRI (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor such as Citalopram). Contrary to everything that I read, my first week has gone really smoothly. Even the doctor thought I'd have a hard time adjusting to the new medication but strangely, I've been alright. To be honest, on my first day of Fluoxetine, I did have a breakdown in the bathrooms at work. I think it managed to terrify everyone - they keep asking me how I am and how I'm adjusting to tills and if I'm okay. I just keep telling them that I'm feeling a lot better and that working on checkouts is better for me than the fresh department. Which it is - fresh was lonely and I had far too much time to dwell on things whereas with checkouts I can't do that.
After I got over the virus and the Citalopram withdrawal, I've not really felt anything - I don't feel worse, apart from the occasional bad spat of anxiety, but I don't feel all that better either. I'm forgetting things, spacing out, getting confused easily. I don't really feel happier or anything like that so I'm suspecting that, on Thursday, when I go back to the doctors, he'll increase my dose.

Aside from the new medication, I've also started drinking the Herbalife meal replacement shakes. They're really nice and I think I'm already noticing a difference in my eating after just three days! I'm having two shakes, two teas, two snacks and one nutritious meal per day. It feels kind of like Slimfast but I feel nowhere near as bloated and sluggish as I did after their meal replacements. It's obviously forcing me to eat a lot healthier too - even though I have approximately zero money.
Last night, my main meal was noodle salad with a whole egg. The salad part comprised of half a green pepper, half an onion, half a tiny turnip, a third of a cup of broccoli, half a cup of cos lettuce and some dried chilli salt, half a vegetable OXO cube and pepper for seasoning. It was gorgeous! Less than 300kcals too! (Notice how I've put in my MyFitnessPal page for you! My screen name's Sarah2808 should any of you wish to follow me.)

I'm hoping, once I've been paid on Friday, to get to pole dancing at least twice a week and I'm going to start walking to and from work as of tomorrow and maybe even to and from town when I'm at college and things - saves a hell of a lot of money! Also, now that I've got the spare room under control, I'm wanting to get a little space heater and use it as a yoga/pole dancing room as well. That way, not only will I - hopefully - be losing weight through Herbalife, but I'll be getting leaner and more toned through exercise too.

Well, that said, I'm off to make my morning shake (yes, I realise it's past 2pm but that's beside the point...) 

TTFN!