Lament Of The Girl At The Rock Show

This week, the rock and metal scene in Newcastle took two heavy blows. 

Trillians Rock Bar, formerly The Man In The Moon, closed down. Permanently. One day it was there and the next, with no warning whatsoever, it was closed. It's parent company went into administration and thusly, the management and all of the staff were made redundant, effective immediately. Of all the pubs and bars in Newcastle, Trillians wasn't the best but it was my favourite. 

It was a little shabby, a bit cramped and kind of dark. It didn't serve food anymore and it was a touch expensive on the spirits but it was a rock bar and it was home. It was one of my favourite music venues - tiny, packed gigs every week - and it had the best, worst pub quiz in the world on Sunday nights. I still can't believe that it's gone really - despite it being empty most of the time, I always just thought that it'd last forever. It's the place my mum used to go when she was my age. Everyone seems to have been and loved it there. I have some amazing memories there and it'll always be held in high regard - no matter how shitty it was at times, it was a home away from home.

The other blow was Legends. After I turned eighteen, I spent 102 consecutive weekends there - only missing two, one for illness and one because I was in Germany. Sad, I know, but that's just what my friends and I did. Every Saturday, some Mondays and most Fridays, we went to Legends. We got wasted and danced it out. All our troubles, all our worries, all gone. I made great friends there. I lost great friends there. Importantly, I made great memories. Hundreds of them. I celebrated three of my own birthdays there and only remember two of them. Countless other birthday celebrations were had there too as well as engagement parties, hen dos, stag dos and other miscellaneous dos too. I fell in love there, fell out of love there, got over boys, got into girls. I grew up so much and got to act so much older than I am as well as be irresponsible and stupid, like eighteen year olds are. In the three years I went, I was only sick twice - probably a record for Legends' patrons - once because I'd been spiked earlier in the night and another because I had sunstroke and was dehydrated but didn't really realise it at the time...

Of the two, I think I'm more cut up about Trillians. Legends was my place but ever since Richie lost his job as the Saturday night DJ (because he pretty much played the same shit over and over) it just wasn't the same. It's decline was gradual. Trillians was torn away too soon.

Needless to say, I hope that something replaces them at the very least. Newcastle's rock scene could do with a reboot.

NEWSFLASH: I'm Feeling Happy For The First Time In A Long Time.

Like legit happy, not "I've had so many tablets today you could shoot me and I'd hug you" happy but actually happy. Like lighter and not held down by this giant depressive black cloud. Not on a tightrope above that abyss. Not so alone that all the people in the world couldn't make me feel wanted.

It's beautiful.
It's humbling.
I think most of all, it's terrifying, because it's come out of nowhere but there is no way in hell that I'm taking it for granted.

I think I know it's down to the Mirtazapine but I'm happy that I've finally found a medication that it making me better rather than not having an effect or making me worse. I like that it's pretty much almost stopped with the auditory hallucinations too - they were annoying although they weren't as bad as the mind-fuckery I've had with everything else!
My urge to eat everything has calmed down for the most part too which is really nice given that I was starting to get proper fat... I'm trying not to weigh myself these days so much because it's too much of a risk with my mood. If I lose weight, I either get super happy and determined to carry on or I get complacent and 'treat' myself. If I gain weight, I usually get super down because I've been trying really fucking hard or I get depressed because I tell myself I haven't been trying enough and that I'm worthless and so on and so forth... Very occasionally, if that little number on the display goes up I can go easy on myself, saying that maybe I haven't been as good as I could have been but not to worry or I can remember that sometimes weight just does that depending on so many different things like water retention, digestion, 'time of the month' blah, blah, blah. Usually it's the former though. It can get pretty brutal...

In diet related news, I've officially started the Whole30 plan for this month (as of July 2nd). I've had a couple of slip-ups (I know, I know, it's only been four days, how can I possibly have slipped up already) but that's okay. I've had one totally perfect day so far and as for the slip-ups: one, I didn't even realise what I was eating had sugar in it and two of them were 'special occasions' (a meal with a friend today and lunch delivered by my mam yesterday when I was having a rather turbulent day).
Another plus, in my book anyway, when I have slipped up, I haven't scrapped the rest of the day. I've stuck to the plan and I've eaten well. I know it doesn't make it better but damage control is better than no control in my opinion.
One of my favourite things right now, on the Whole30 program is Nakd bars. They're compliant with the paleo diet and the Whole30 program, they're really filling, super tasty and really handy on the go so I'm not tempted to go off the clean eating. On that note, I've just found this which is amazing and is going to save me unprecedented amounts of money in the future - Nakd bars are also really quite expensive... I'm going to go and make some cherry and ginger bars when I get in from work tomorrow.

Right now, I'm sitting listening to Taylor Swift - nothing specific really, just the four albums (I think) - with my hair full of Marilyn and my skin covered in Dream Cream (well okay, I've got Tacrolimus on my face - more on that in a moment) and it's pretty nice. Matt's away at a festival and, while yesterday was a little weird, I think I'm enjoying the time to myself. I tidied a bit yesterday and my mum came over - she cleaned my bathroom while she was here - and I've got almost all of the washing done. Now I can just relax I guess.
Yesterday was probably so strange because it's the first time I've been here without Matt - I kept expecting him to come in from work or something! He texted this morning saying they were heading down to the festival and that he'd talk to me later but I told him not to worry about it. I don't want him thinking he has to text me while he's away - I want him to go and enjoy himself and do whatever people do at open air jazz festivals. He's due back on either Monday or Tuesday since he doesn't have his return journey sorted yet (if that was me, I'd be going mad with worry thinking that I'd get stuck in London forever or something equally insane). I think my only complaint is that time seems to be going really, really slowly! I can't believe that he only left yesterday and that it's still Friday! I mean what the hell is up with that? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but since it's current events and I'm not catatonic in anyway and I'm coping very well, I thought it was worth a mention... (I did expect to be absolutely fine - I think Matt was just worried that I'd have worked myself up into such a state worry and panic and misery that I'd off myself or something... I'll have you know I cope fine on my own, it's adding other people to the equation that causes problems!)
As for Marilyn and Dream Cream - if you don't already know - they're Lush products. Dream Cream is my favourite moisturiser and Marilyn is a hair moisturiser and lightener filled with camomile and lemon juice that stops brassy tones building up. I've not used it before (bought it earlier today) and I'm looking forward to seeing how good it is! I was planning on having a Lush bath bomb bath once I finished this post but as it's already after 11pm I'm really not going to have time. I might have to leave this in over night... I've just noticed how gorgeous and lemony my hair smells! So nice! Here's hoping it's a little lighter too by the morning. I think I might put Superbalm on my scalp tonight, instead of the scalic acid/coal tar/coconut oil compound stuff that the hospital gave me. I know the hospital one works but it smells awful and doesn't half linger... I also think that the scalp psoriasis I had is mostly gone now (due to the hospital ointment). It worked really quickly and really well which was pretty incredible - it's never really happened like that before. The tacrolimus is shockingly good too. Cleared my face and ears in a matter of days. Burned to hell for the first week but it was a pretty amazing transformation! I've got to stop using it on Monday though because my light treatment starts soon and it makes my skin more sensitive to sunlight and thus more prone to burning horribly with the light treatment.
In all honesty, they're yet to NOT burn me at the hospital with the broadband UVB anyway! I'd rather not risk them doing it worse than the two previous occasions though - they were more than bad enough. The first time was 3rd degree burns down my upper arms and the second were the same degree but blistered across my nose and cheek bones. Both very painful and very icky to say the least.

I had my assessment with Newcastle Psychological Services on Monday just gone. It went pretty well but there's a three to four month waiting list unfortunately. I said that I wasn't fussy on which psychologist I saw, I just wanted to be seen sooner rather than later to get all of the nasty stuff over with.
By nasty stuff I just mean the whole part where it gets worse before it gets better. It's already been a year and I have come one hell of a long way since then. I still just want to be better now.
With the assessment, I was discharged from Newcastle Talking Therapies and, like last time, I am able to go back to the service any time I feel that I need to. Hopefully I won't need to but it's nice to always have the option for it if I need it rather than be totally on my own. The psychologist I saw recommended a few different things for me in the waiting time between now and getting my psychologist: reading material "A Mindful Way Through Depression" and group therapy with Tyneside Women's Health. I think I'm going to give the mindfulness thing a shot before the group therapy. I dunno why I'm so apprehensive about it. I guess I'm just scared of being judged or, worse, scared of being too judgmental of others. I terrible with stuff like that - especially when it's other women whom I don't know. If I know them first then I'm totally fine but if it's a stranger going on about their problem it's 50/50 whether my internal reaction will be sympathetic or whether it'll be bitter and malicious. It's horrible, I feel like I can't control it! The level of contempt I have for some other people really gets to me sometimes because I don't know why I have such strong feelings about them.
I guess, just like everything else, it's something I'm going to have to work through and unravel slowly...

Well, I'm getting pretty sleepy now so I'm going to wrap my hair up, take my meds and get myself to bed! Night folks, I hope this makes up for the lack of recent posting and I promise I'll post again over the weekend about Camp NaNoWriMo and applying to be an ML for Newcastle/Durham. Byee xoxo

A Post From The Snowstorm and Happy Burns Night!

Well it's snowing outside - nothing new if you've been in the UK at all for the last fortnight - and it's forecast for about 10cm over the weekend. 10cm! That's like the middle of my shins! It's already ankle height - coming in over the tops of my shoes when I walk - it'll actually just swallow me whole if it gets  that much deeper.

That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.

Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...

When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...

There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!