Pills and Dubstep

So I'm writing to you from Boots as I wait for my new prescription to process. My music's playing but my headphones are around my neck - no doubt to the delight of the other customers. Yes, today I am that girl. You know the one, with the scraped back hair, blasting electronica from headphones, looking a bit cheap and a bit common throughout the wait. 

I'd like to point out that that is very rarely me. I don't wear tracksuits and only occasionally wear jogging bottoms (I only own one pair and I got those from my pole-dancing school for when I don't want to cool down too much). I very rarely have my music loud enough for others to hear too - I like to think I'm considerate that way. 

Today is different I guess. I've just gotten out of the doctors. My mirtazapine's been increased to 45mg and I've got to reintroduce diazepam to keep a lid on my anxiety too. I get to review it all on Tuesday again. 

I think I'm just starting to lose hope a little. To lose sight of where I'm headed and what I'm aiming for. I'm starting to care less and less about everything: work, chores, my appearance - you name it. 

When I get home, I think I'll try and do something nice for myself. A long shower and a face mask maybe. I did get some new Lush things to try the other day. 

All in all, it's taken an hour and a half to get my stuff sorted, from leaving the house to go to the appointment to getting back. There was a bit of a hiccup with Bitch-Receptionist and whether or not my prescription was actually at Boots after I ordered it on Monday but it turned out that Mr New Pharmacist had just misplaced it. 

Bitch-Receptionist actually told me I must be taking too much propranolol. Clearly I don't know how to take my meds. It's only been a year after all... 

Maybe I could have been more polite but frankly it wouldn't have been the first time she'd buggered my script order to my detriment!

Day 1 of Mirtazapine...

I took my first Mirtazapine last night with my Propranolol and Diazepam. I felt fine and I fell asleep almost straight away. I was still exhausted when I woke up like nine hours later!

I was irritable and oversensitive when I got up and when my partner snapped at me because I was making too much rustling noise (my business cards came and I got a little excited about opening them immediately) I became scared and upset because I automatically assumed that he was really pissed off at me. 

Naturally, he wasn't and once I calmed down, I was able to get ready and leave for work. Upon getting there, I came over feeling light-headed and weak. I was nauseous and so tired I could barely stand! Walking was a chore, I was disorientated and confused. I couldn't talk without really concentrating and even when I was sitting down I was clumsy and tired. I kept dropping things and pressing the wrong buttons. An hour and a half in I was feeling worse than ever so I called over one of my supervisors and they arranged for me to go home. I was supposed to go to the hospital on account of how ill I was feeling (light-headed, lethargic, tight chest, short of breath etc) so I called my step-dad, after calling Matt and my mam, to take me there. We got halfway through the one-way maze that is Newcastle's roads before he got so frustrated that he started ranting about how the situation was 'a fucking nightmare'. I was getting really nervous and feeling worse than ever (since it was a fairly hot day and he had the heat blasting 'to cool the engine down') so I offered to just get out and make my own way there. He agreed that would be best and I left. I decided then to screw the hospital and just come home.

I've been home a few hours now and I feel a bit better. I've managed to have lunch and then had a cheese sandwich a few hours ago and I'm trying to keep hydrated but all in all I'm still feeling pretty naff...

I'm just making a watermark for my images at the moment while watching Archer. I'm about to upload a bunch more photography to my photoblog to keep it up to date. Adding the watermark will hopefully stop any theft from happening instantly...

Yesterday I actually managed to do a backwards roll out of an aerial yoga hammock - I was incredibly proud of myself. The session itself was pretty hard, really relaxing though. I spent the two hours prior to that in rent-a-pole/flex spinning and stretching and flipping myself into flexy oblivion. I managed to get into a 'crab' position from my knees but unfortunately not from my feet - give me time and I'll do it though. I'm aching like hell now though. Can't wait until Monday for my next pole class! If I'm up to it by then that is...

Something to chew over.

I've just posted this on my photography blog/college progress journal that I have to keep as part of my degree. It just struck me - the profound effect my mental state is having on my life and my loves. This time last year, and before then too, photography was everything to me. It's all I wanted to do. Now I hardly ever indulge it.


"So since my summer term begins on Tuesday, I thought I'd best update this again.

I'm struggling. More than I ever have before. I was supposed to hand in an essay two weeks ago. Not only did I miss the deadline because of being sick, it wasn't even finished. I've never found essays hard. Ever. But this is something else. I just can't write it. I can't formulate the words, the argument, the research. I've never just not handed work in!
I think the largest part of the reason for my dreadful attendance and shoddy punctuality is my medication and my current mental state. My struggle with severe depression and anxiety has meant that I have been unable to make it into college on several occasions. There have also been times when medical appointments have interfered with my ability to get to college. Not only that, but they've impacted on my photography. I don't go out anymore just to take photos, I don't organise shoots, I don't do gigs for GetYourRockOut, I don't do any editing. I feel like my dream of getting into the photography business is slipping through my fingers because I can't bear to do anything. I haven't got the energy or the willpower to do anything at all.
From time to time I feel like I can do it: like I can carry on and take photos, like I can make it in the industry. But really, most of the time I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time and money doing this degree. I feel utterly hopeless and lost.
I just don't know where I belong anymore.

Despite all of this, one of our current assignments is all about branding material so I've just spent a couple of hours designing some business cards. I'll be paying for them on Friday because it's payday then and I currently have less than a fiver to my name...
I'm about to start working on my creative CV and add more to my work based learning document. I'm going to email GYRO and explain why I've gone AWOL and hopefully they'll understand. That way I might be able to do some more gigs for them and maybe more interviews.
I love it when I'm there - it really is what I want to do with my life. When I was at Hammerfest in March I would have done anything to be in the pit with the rest of the photographers - it was driving me crazy just being in the crowd.

I'm still thinking of doing a journalism degree after the third year of the FdA. I'm just doubting my ability to do it I guess, along with worrying about the horrendous level of debt I'll have at that point. Heaven knows what the university fees will be like in September 2014.

I've just realised that September 2014 is terrifyingly close. It's a year and a half away. That's no time at all. I don't think I could ever possibly be ready for that!"

Find the rest of the posts - happier posts - at shootforthemoonphotography.blogspot.com
There's also examples of my photography there too!

Eight Days Of Fluoxetine, Three Days Of Herbalife.

As you can probably tell, today is my eighth day of taking Fluoxetine instead of Citalopram. The withdrawal symptoms from taking reduced doses of Citalopram were pretty intense. After getting over the viral infection, I still had to take the Penicillin VK until yesterday morning (horrifying tasting stuff that is...) but I was all better and things so all I had to deal with were the bizarre withdrawal symptoms of the Citalopram and the new side effects of the Fluoxetine.
Now, before I started taking it (the Fluoxetine) I'd managed to pretty much terrify myself by reading various accounts of what people had gone through for the first six weeks of taking the new medication. As far as I could tell, most people were taking it for anxiety rather than depression however, and they hadn't previously been taking an SSRI (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor such as Citalopram). Contrary to everything that I read, my first week has gone really smoothly. Even the doctor thought I'd have a hard time adjusting to the new medication but strangely, I've been alright. To be honest, on my first day of Fluoxetine, I did have a breakdown in the bathrooms at work. I think it managed to terrify everyone - they keep asking me how I am and how I'm adjusting to tills and if I'm okay. I just keep telling them that I'm feeling a lot better and that working on checkouts is better for me than the fresh department. Which it is - fresh was lonely and I had far too much time to dwell on things whereas with checkouts I can't do that.
After I got over the virus and the Citalopram withdrawal, I've not really felt anything - I don't feel worse, apart from the occasional bad spat of anxiety, but I don't feel all that better either. I'm forgetting things, spacing out, getting confused easily. I don't really feel happier or anything like that so I'm suspecting that, on Thursday, when I go back to the doctors, he'll increase my dose.

Aside from the new medication, I've also started drinking the Herbalife meal replacement shakes. They're really nice and I think I'm already noticing a difference in my eating after just three days! I'm having two shakes, two teas, two snacks and one nutritious meal per day. It feels kind of like Slimfast but I feel nowhere near as bloated and sluggish as I did after their meal replacements. It's obviously forcing me to eat a lot healthier too - even though I have approximately zero money.
Last night, my main meal was noodle salad with a whole egg. The salad part comprised of half a green pepper, half an onion, half a tiny turnip, a third of a cup of broccoli, half a cup of cos lettuce and some dried chilli salt, half a vegetable OXO cube and pepper for seasoning. It was gorgeous! Less than 300kcals too! (Notice how I've put in my MyFitnessPal page for you! My screen name's Sarah2808 should any of you wish to follow me.)

I'm hoping, once I've been paid on Friday, to get to pole dancing at least twice a week and I'm going to start walking to and from work as of tomorrow and maybe even to and from town when I'm at college and things - saves a hell of a lot of money! Also, now that I've got the spare room under control, I'm wanting to get a little space heater and use it as a yoga/pole dancing room as well. That way, not only will I - hopefully - be losing weight through Herbalife, but I'll be getting leaner and more toned through exercise too.

Well, that said, I'm off to make my morning shake (yes, I realise it's past 2pm but that's beside the point...) 

TTFN!

One Month Later

So it's been just over a month since I last posted anything here and I can't quite decide whether to say not much has happened or loads of stuff has happened... After mostly recovering from the medical shambles that was the end of January, I've been to the doctors three more times. Two check-ups and progress reports for my pills and one hospital referral for my psoriasis. During the final one, the referral, I mentioned that I was finally managing to take myself off the Diazepam - hell of a rocky road, that one! - but wasn't feeling any improvement in my anxiety or depression. I've hit a plateau. In the world of mental health medication, that means it's time to change things up a bit.
Dr Nerves double-checked the dosages I'm currently on and concluded, slightly sadly, that it was time to take me off the Citalopram in favour of something stronger. A little bit different. Unfortunately my current dosages are already at their maximums so a change means that, simply, I'll be weaned off the Citalopram, have a 'short time' with no tablets and then be slowly introduced to the upgrade.
I was, and still am, apprehensive - I didn't take well to the Citalopram in the first place never mind having to do it all again with something stronger! I told Doc that I'd have to give it a few day's thought and talk it over with my other half before I decided on anything. Naturally, he agreed, since he'd seen me the first time I had medication and we arranged to have a follow-up appointment.
I was worried about telling Matt. My mental state and my medication have already caused us enough relationship problems as it is, I don't want to make anything worse or ruin what we've got now but I don't want to live in this sort of constant depression either. I expected him to share my concerns and my apprehension but instead he looked me dead in the eye, shrugged slightly and was like, 'okay, we'll get through it - don't worry'. At first, I genuinely didn't think he realised what I was saying, like, he'd misheard me or misunderstood. I tried to remind him how awful it had been but he just wasn't swayed. I was surprised but nonetheless comforted. He's got my back. I should have known, really. After everything, after the last year, we really seem to have settled into each other. It seems like we're both happier and more relaxed - I know I can't really talk for him but I can call it as I see it. It gives me hope.

In other news, Hammerfest soon! Just the weekend after next and I can't wait! No idea how I'm going to pay for everything but not to worry, I suppose, I'll manage somehow... No doubt I'll end up borrowing money from somewhere - the bank of mum perhaps - until payday (roll on the 22nd!). I only recognise two bands in the line up and, of them, only like one but hopefully, just like Bloodstock, I'll find a few new loves. I doubt there'll be anything like Pythia but you never know I suppose... I'm mostly just looking forward to the festival itself. The fact that it's indoors should be an experience! And the fact that we'll have beds rather than sleeping bags on the floor in tents. I think I'll request that I change my meds after Hammerfest - during might have too much of an effect on me. Then again, the festival could prove a useful distraction...

Other good news - I got to change departments at work! Instead of Fresh I'm on Checkouts - yay! Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I just love being on the tills - and it comes with 7 more contracted hours and all the overtime I could possibly dream of! It'll probably be in a few weeks but I'm already doing a load of tills overtime as it is.
It's not a job I want to have for a long time but it pays the bills and keeps me out of the house. It took me long enough to get it so I was unbelievably thankful when I did - I was in shock for a week! I'm not sure if I want to meet my replacement but, since I'm going to be sitting around all day for my shifts, I'm going to start walking to work again. Plus it'll save me money. I might even see what walking into Newcastle's like. It takes just over half an hour at a decent pace and that will save me a crazy amount of money! And there's obviously the health and weight-loss benefits too... I'm planning to start running again too, as soon as the weather gets a bit nicer - I detest running in the snow/rain/cold. I'll be going back to pole as well, when my Herbalife shakes arrive, which I'm looking forward to. I've missed the metal and I was progressing so well! I'll have to upload some photos or something soon - it'd be nice to have a bit of a brag...

To rant or not to rant, that is the question...

Well this was supposed to go up a couple of days ago but I was in such a state, mentally and physically, that I was unable to bring myself to write the post.

My doctors, well their receptionists, managed to so royally screw up my prescription I had to go without my propranolol tablets for two and a half days. By the end of the first day, I was hearing things, by the lunch on the second day, I was seeing things. When I finally got the tablets at 9.20 on the third day, I was having full on visual and auditory hallucinations, could barely function and, consequentially nearly threw myself into the road to get rid of it all. My deterioration was so rapid and so incredible that it totally knocked me off my feet and, four days later, I'm still feeling the effects of it.

Aside from being missing the propranolol, I was missing the diazepam for a day and a half and the citalopram for a day too. It wasn't fun - looking back on it, it has a kind of morbid amusement but beyond that, I genuinely think I couldn't have made it through another night.

A Post From The Snowstorm and Happy Burns Night!

Well it's snowing outside - nothing new if you've been in the UK at all for the last fortnight - and it's forecast for about 10cm over the weekend. 10cm! That's like the middle of my shins! It's already ankle height - coming in over the tops of my shoes when I walk - it'll actually just swallow me whole if it gets  that much deeper.

That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.

Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...

When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...

There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!

The End Is Nigh... Look Busy!

So next week heralds the end of my CBT sessions. I'm almost looking forward to it - my Monday mornings can be my lazy day lie-in again for the first time in forever! It's not only that though, I'm excited to be able to really have a chance to do this on my own at last - to test myself and see if I'm ready to stand up without Sarah as my weekly safety net.
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!

On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.

For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!

Medicated

So since the blog's maiden voyage - well, post, rather - I've done a few things. I've been to the doctor's. The wonderful, jumpy Dr McMeds then upped my Citalopram to 30mg from 20mg and put me on 2mg of Diazepam - a sleeping medication administered if Propanolol 'doesn't quite hit the mark'.
I've also decided that this 'privacy' lark is pointless - if I was THAT bothered, I'd obviously have created a totally new and relatively untraceable email address rather than using the one connected to everything I have (pretty much) on the internet. And not just that but I know this blog is linked in some way to my Google+ account so privacy is pretty much a moot point. That said, hi folks, I'm Sarah. I'll be putting up an about me somewhere and possibly editing this page in other ways to add more of the 'me' element.
The last major thing I've done, I think, is tell my mum about all this. Not the blog, but all of the depression and anxiety and therapy and medication. I always thought I'd never do that because she'd worry too much or freak out or be angry but she was surprisingly calm about it all. She said she was relieved and proud that I was doing the right thing and getting help when I recognised that I needed it. When I told her I hadn't wanted to tell her in case she was worried, she said she'd been worried about me since Georgi died (more on this later). There was also some truth-telling on her part as well but I'm not too sure how appropriate it is to mention all of that really. As much as I'm not bothered about my privacy, the personal dealings of my friends and family are another matter entirely.

All that said, I have to go and get ready for work now. I'll do a 'Medicated cont.' either tonight when I get in or tomorrow.