Gym Times!

It's decided. I prefer the gym to people.

*There's quite a bit more profanity in this than I would usually use. You've been warned.*

I don't even particularly like most of the people at my gym right now.
Granted that's because I don't know them and I've only been going a few weeks and they all seem like scary, steroid-filled meatheads but still: they're preferable to most of the irl people I know. As a side note, it took me no less than seven attempts at writing 'irl' there - my mac kept correcting it to 'url'... Clearly it's not hip on the lingo at the moment. Anyway...

I've come to the realisation that most of the people I know irl just bring me down and burden me with all their shit. I am so over that. I mean come on, I'm sick of being everyone's go to girl when they're bitching and moaning about things that they could have prevented. I'm not going to go into specifics but I'm sure you get the idea.
I love helping people and being there for people but I sort of expect the same liberties. I mean if I'm having a shitty day, I want them to take five minutes out of being so wrapped up in their own problems to help me out. Of if my meds are fucking me up - I need to be able to talk about that crap. What I most certainly do not need is my so called friends to get all uncomfortable and change the subject as soon as possible. Or talk over me. Or stop talking to me at all. Or conveniently forget that we were supposed to be meeting up.
None of that. None of that shit. I'm done. What I want, what I need, is people who are going to help me. People who are going to cut me a break when I need it or, hell, even when I don't need it - just when I want it!

I'm sorry, I really am, about all the rants in the posts this week. I've just been realising a lot about myself. I haven't been taking as many propranolol as directed either - I keep forgetting - but to be perfectly honest, I think I'm coming across some fairly ground-breaking realisations about myself right now. I'm supposed to take 3 per day but they were making me really tired and even 2 a day was slashing my energy levels. Right now I'm taking 1-2 per day when I remember and I'm feeling so much better.
I'm still having really depressive days when I just can't shift the cloud. And times like yesterday I just burst into tears for no reason. Yesterday I was tense and paranoid and worried about everything and then I went to the gym and within 30 minutes I was perfectly fine. It's like freaking magic!

Then I go on Facebook (the devil in disguise) and within seconds I'm freaking miserable. I realise that I really, really don't like most of them! I don't really care about most of the ones that I haven't spoken to in months. Or who haven't made an effort to talk to me.
In fact, as of writing that last paragraph, I've gotten rid of like a fifth of my 'friends' on Facebook. Any people whose names were met with 'who the fuck are they?' or 'I'm sick of their shit.' or 'I haven't spoken to them in x years and I can't see me actually talking to them again.' have gone. I could get rid of more but I kept a few for nostalgia like school friends and the like.

I'm feeling slightly better already. I like that I've realised that my own health is important. I needed that. Especially after this summer. I don't really know what's triggered it, I think I just feel as though it's time now, to look after myself and to take care of myself until I'm better.

Back to the original point!

I love, love, LOVE the gym.

I mean, I kinda hate it when I'm sitting in bed on the internet and I know that I need to go and put on some pants (yes, underwear, not trousers - over-share, I know) and some real clothes and brush my hair and drag myself up the street to the gym where all the scary men are. But once I've done my warm up and I've started my first rep everything else just melts away.
When I'm there it becomes my form, my technique, the weight I'm lifting and how much it does (or doesn't) burn when I'm finishing my last rep. I know that I'm overweight, I don't feel any less self-conscious about my fat rolls there than anywhere else but at least, when I'm there, I can say: 'Well, fuck you all, haters,  at least I'm working on it.'
At least I've gotten my ass out of bed and into some moisture control trousers and into the gym.
And hell, this emotional benefit? I've never felt that before! Not really, anyway. I get it from yoga but it doesn't last long really. I didn't get it from karate in the later years - I mostly hated it all the time. I resented the fact that I didn't get the chance to learn. I resented the people, my instructor, all of it. I sort of got it from running but I think, mentally, I wasn't in as good a place then as I am now - I put myself down way too much to get a buzz from anything.

My diet's still pretty sucky. I could be doing that a lot better and, surprise, surprise, I guilt-trip myself about that too but it's better than it was! Apart from tea tonight. That's going to be a massive cheat...

I've decided though, that I'm going to be bad ass. I'm going to be strong and, maybe not ripped per se, but I'm going to have 'dat ass'. The ass of squats and the body of weight training. Fuck cardio workouts. Well not really. They have their uses but my workouts mostly concern of less than 10 minutes of cardio to warm up, then around 45 minutes of weights, then 10-20 minutes of cardio to cool down again.
I'm going to be military grade fit again because frankly, I owe it to myself. I don't deserve to be fat and miserable and unhealthy. Fuck that shit. All of it. Nope.

Boom inspiration! God knows where all that came from... It's true though. And this isn't going to be one of those 'does it for a month and then never again' things. This is it, baby.

I Keep Saying I'll Do This Bumf More Regularly...

I do really mean it, each and every time. I will do this more. I can blog more regularly. I do have things worth writing about sort of. Also, I can never remember, but is 'bumf' one f or two?
I realise that four days isn't exactly a long break for me but I still feel like this blogging should be a daily thing - it's not as if I think less about things now than I did a few years ago when I did #postaday on Wordpress! If anything I think more and thus, I shall post more often than I currently do.
Realistically, I think I should aim for two or three posts a week maybe even five posts then I can have two responsibility free days where I can just veg out and play lots of Pokemon X or something... That sounds fairly reasonable but I know I'm going to have to set some sort of phone reminder for this kind of thing - much like I need one for taking my meds, eating, working et cetera. That said, I should probably take my meds now - it's far later than I realised and if I don't take them now, I won't wake up in time for work in the morning.

The other day, Matt got a cold. He was really ill and pretty much couldn't function. He remained steadfast in his opinion that, if I wasn't careful, I'd get his cold/flu/virus or whatever it was. It's been going around so I pretty much expected I would get it sooner or later. I just wish that it hadn't been the day after my gym induction.
Yesterday was my much anticipated induction at Goldstar Gym across the road. Writing it like that makes it cooler because then it's like a Pokemon gym. Because of my meds, I had to go to the doctor's to get a note saying that I was fit to join the gym. When I got my appointment (the first time) it wasn't with my GP or the Dr who sorts my meds, but just with one of the others. He was nice enough but then wanted to charge me £20 for a line and a quarter saying that, yes, I could indeed go to the gym. As it happened, I didn't have my card on me at the time so couldn't pay so couldn't get a note. However, all wasn't lost as I had an appointment with my therapist the next day anyway and she's a certified doctor so I reasoned that she might be able to do it herself. When I mentioned it, she agreed that it'd likely be amazing for me but as she wasn't a medical doctor, she couldn't advise on my ability to go to the gym in regards to my medication. She did however, advise that I either go to one of the doctors at the surgery that I was familiar with and one who was familiar with me and my situation or, at least, get a second opinion as someone else might only charge me £10 or indeed do it for free. I arranged an appointment with the Dr who sorts my medication but missed it (due to my medication, ironically) and ended up having to wait nearly two more weeks to get another appointment. This one, I got through luck and good timing rather than being able to pre-book appointments. It's ridiculous how hard it is to get a doctor's appointment these days! If I want to pre-book, I have to wait over a month sometimes - it's horrendous! Anyway, I'm sure most of you have the same problem so I'm going to stop whining and get on with it. I decided, since it's so hard to get appointments, that with this one, I was going to kill three birds with one stone.
The long and short of it is, I got my note for the gym.
It took about 3 minutes for the 'assessment' from start to finish and the note (a photo of which can be found on my Instagram for which there is a link on the top right of this post). He took my pulse and blood pressure and was like: 'Well, all that seems in order, I think the gym would do you good. Here you go.'
So that was Tuesday morning. I dropped the note off at the gym straightaway, thinking that I'd likely lose it if I took it home, and arranged an induction for the following Friday (which was yesterday).

The induction itself was longer than I expected - nearly 90 minutes from start to finish - but included a set of reps of every exercise (apart from leg raises) and a diet/nutrition plan. I was pretty nervous when I got there but managed the whole thing without making a twat out of myself so I was pretty proud by the end of it. The guy doing it didn't seem overly impressed that I was vegetarian and told me repeatedly (jokingly) that I should get some chicken fillets in me or, at the very least, some cans of tuna. I said that I would try and if I couldn't digest it, I'd stick to tofu, egg whites and cottage cheese. I think I'll stick to the veggie stuff anyway unless I absolutely have to (and I can't see that ever being a thing...)
I'll write more about the gym and fitness et cetera in another post, I'm going to have to draw this one to a close soon - the Mirtazapine's hit me slightly harder and somewhat faster than I anticipated! (Notice: I took my meds, like I have to and said I would but forget to occasionally from time to time yay!) Where was I going with this..? I've completely forgotten... Oh, yes!
So this morning, I woke up with a head full of cold. It was horrendous. And the weather was really grim too - sort of not too cold but rainy and weird.
By the time I got to work, my legs were so stiff from yesterday that I could barely walk and my head was so sore it was difficult to speak. Over the course of the day I haven't really gotten much better. I've taken some cold medication and some paracetamol but it doesn't seem to have helped. My nose is all bunged up and runny as hell and now it's also really sore from wiping it all the time. I've sneezed a few times which clears my head for a few minutes at a time but never longer. Even sinus massages aren't helping - now my eye sockets just feel slightly bruised...

Anyway, it's off to sleep for me now. Hopefully I'll write tomorrow. Maybe it'll be a lament for poor old Trillians...
Nighty night folks!

Non-NaNoWriMo Related News

As much as I'd like to write about the many things that have happened since my last proper update post, I can't. Nothing much really has happened. I've had a few NaNo meets and the washing machine broke. Plus there was a flat inspection and then the hoover broke too. Other than that very little has gone on.

College is still going fine, I'm still in my third year, still doing photography, still loving it. The only thing that's changed there is that I'm now fairly determined to do the top-up year in order to make my FdA a full BA in Photography once I've finished this summer. After my Gran died, I did a lot of thinking about it and, especially since Matt's going to be at college an extra year now, I think it's for the best. I'll get a more credible, more widely recognised and understood qualification plus more funding in that year. It may mean adjusting my work hours but hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. It'll also give me the means to set up my own business which is what I want to do in the long term after all!

Other news - exciting news, that is - concerns me going back to karate as a favourite thing and maybe, possibly opening my own club up in the spring this year. Hopefully between myself and the three/four others I'll be working with, we'll have our own permanent, 24 hour venue in which to run fitness classes, flexibility training, karate classes, kick-boxing, tae kwon do and sports massage sessions. I also want to start teaching yoga but at the moment I'm no where near good enough for that! We're going down to Birmingham in January to start our formal instructor training with a gentleman from Verve. I'm pretty excited (and simultaneously terrified).
In the same vein, I finally got approved for joining a gym by the doctor when I visited this morning. What one guy was going to charge me £20 for (and not actually give me a medical exam) I got for free from the doctor that sorts my medication. He's not my GP but at the moment he's as good as - he sorts my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets as my GP was on maternity leave at the time and I'd rather not have too many people adjusting my medication here and there as they see fit! As soon as I got the note saying that I was deemed well enough to join the gym, I dropped it off at the gym in question and booked by induction for Friday afternoon. I'm super excited for it, if I'm honest, and a little bit nervous but to be honest, that's usually the best combination.
Now that I've got that sorted, I'm going to start eating paleo (again) and stick to it through doing 80:20. In short, I'll eat paleo 80% of the time but allow myself one day (or just a few meals) that aren't paleo compliant in order to not restrict myself so much that I can't stick to the way of eating. I really want to cut back on my gluten consumption too - after reading into what gluten can actually do to your digestive system and about how people who are sensitive don't often know it, I think it'd just be safer not to eat it. After all, it could be a contributor to my psoriasis and god knows I'll do anything to get rid of that!
I'm still doing fairly well after the light treatment ended. I've got a few patches on my face that have come back but I know that if I moisturise they'll calm down and, failing that, I've still got some Eumovate and Tacrolimus ointments. It's my scalp that's doing the worst at the moment but that's due to me not using the Sebco ointment and wearing my hair up or in hats because of work and the cold... Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother keeping on top of all my creams and things because I feel so awful about myself anyway. Then I remember that I always feel better when my skin and hair look better - I worry less about my appearance and am generally happier. Plus I'm more willing to do other things to look after myself such as my CBT activities, exercise and healthy eating.
Another reason that I was at the doctors today is that I found a lump in my breast and Matt insisted that I got it checked out. My mum had a breast cancer scare earlier this year so it'd be a lie to say that I wasn't worried about it but, fortunately, the doctor thinks that it's unlikely to be anything serious and is likely just a cyst that may need drained (which is pretty disgusting but certainly not cancer so yay!) Even so, he's sending me off to the special under-30s breast clinic in the next couple of weeks to get an ultrasound just in case and for them to treat it in whatever way they see fit.

That's everything that I can think of for now but I shall be sure to update if anything else comes up!

Just when you think it's all over.

So my gran - the one mentioned in the earlier post today, who'd had a heart operation - had her check up with the consultant today. She'd not been doing too badly even though she hadn't really been doing enough exercise or drinking enough so we weren't expecting it to go badly. I don't think it went badly so much as created a mild concern for the consultant. She's being kept in again because her heart rate's too fast. I don't really know anything else just yet but hopefully it'll just be stress from being out of the house - she hasn't really left the house since her operation. She'd been out a couple of times but always with someone and, when it came to walking less than 500m to go to the doctors the other day, she wanted to be driven.
My gran used to be really independent and always busy - she was really physically fit and had a very 'make do and mend' out look on life and was generally a healthy, robust woman, if slightly overweight due to too many biscuits/carbs. I'm just worried that she's going to turn into one of these frail, sickly, old biddies who are scared to go anywhere in case something happens. We'd spend days in Newcastle walking, talking and shopping, stopping here and there for a bite to eat or a cup of tea but now it seems like that's never going to happen again and I'm worried that she's going to lose herself to this post-op fear.
It's probably nothing - maybe the consultant will give her a nudge in the right direction and she'll be back to her old self by the spring. She gets on well with Mr Lord, he's been her favourite doctor all along. Part of me wonders if it's because he's british and treats her like his own grandmother. She has that slightly narrow-minded personality that a lot of elderly people seem to have regarding 'foreign' doctors. Personally, as long as they speak the language well enough to work effectively, I don't see a problem with having doctors that weren't born and/or raised in Britain.

Anyway. I'm trying not to think about things that worry me, remember.

Today is my only free day this week - no college, no college work and no work. So far, I've pretty much wasted it. I was going to tidy and do yoga - spend the day improving my living and my living conditions. The only 'good' thing I've done is have a fairly healthy breakfast: overnight oats (fruit and nut muesli, a tbsp of maple syrup, topped up with low-fat natural yoghurt in a re-used salsa jar). The rest of my day thus far (at nearly 3pm) has been spent lamenting the death of iOS 6 and playing Papers, Please, which, if you haven't played it, I strongly recommend that you do. It has such a simple concept but it is in fact really captivating.
Regarding iOS 7, I'm not really a fan. It was too much of a change too quickly and nearly everything about its visuals is repulsive. It's cartoonish and child-like and too 'Android'. If I'd wanted something that looked and acted like an android, I'd have bought a friggin' android! I must admit, it is growing on me - very, very slowly. One of the features which I do really like is Airdrop. It's just so handy having aeroplane mode, bluetooth, 'do not disturb', wifi, music, etc in nice, easy-to-operate page which is accessible in one motion from any screen. The way they've changed the navigation bar is ok too - I did really like the other one but this one has much less clutter.
I don't like how blocky all the native icons are now either - it just looks really amateur and childish. I like the iPhone because it was sophisticated and business-like almost in its appearance. Now, though, that's all gone and there's just colours everywhere... Not even slightly muted colours either and it almost looks kind of trashy.
Maybe it'll grow on me. Maybe it's just where my head's at right now and it'll grow on me more as I become less of a cynic. Maybe I'll learn to enjoy trivial things and embracing the inner child. Or maybe pigs will fly.

Until then, I'm just going to make do with what I've got and organise things til I feel better.

As Good As It Was...

Sincerest apologies for being pretty absent recently. I've had a lot on, sort of.
By that, I mean I've not actually had a lot going on but it's felt like a ridiculous amount of stuff due to my epic lack of mental oomph these days. Right this moment I'm actually getting hassle from the webzine I volunteer for. They're saying I didn't send them the right pictures even though I did - it's not my fault if where the venue allow me to stand has a shitty viewpoint... Plus, if they'd done their job right in the first place I'd have been able to do the entire job rather than just do damage control from that failure of a day...
Other than that, I've had a disciplinary hearing at work for being off so much and they really grilled me about every little detail. They didn't quite want to hear the gruesome bits so much though. And the note-taker managed to make me sound like a moron. Instead of actually writing what I said he paraphrased it resulting in me sounding incredibly simple. I've applied for a temp job at Lush in Eldon Square in town over the winter so hopefully I'll get that and they'll keep me on. That way I'll be able to get out of my current job for good. I don't even care if I have to work twice as much - it's something I really want to do and will doubtless have fun doing. I found out the other week that I'd been shortlisted for an interview so I'm pretty psyched about that!
My ability to do housework guttered out about the same time the will to anything that wasn't watching mindless American TV did. It took me a little while to notice - we'd ran out of forks and underwear before I actually did anything about it. Most of my free time has been spent getting really fucking blitzed.

The meds have plateaued again. I think all the stress has just shut down my serotonin and ramped up the cortisol and I'm really not doing very well. When I rang the doctors' yesterday to get an appointment, and a prescription, I was told there was no pre-bookable appointments available until some time in September. As a result, I'm just going to have to turn up one morning and hope for the best! They always have on-the-day appointments for emergencies. I guess I just wish that exceptions could be made. I suppose then everyone would want to be the exception though...
I want some time off work - I feel like I need to just pull back and regroup. Just to sort myself out before I jump back into work. I've got a new therapist now - she's a psychologist rather than a CBT therapist. She seems lovely. I just think that the whole therapy thing is going to get worse before it gets better and I'm honestly not sure if I can do work as well. I can barely talk to customers right now as it is! If it gets any worse I'm worried that I'll say something to someone that'll land me in so much shit that I'll just get fired.
I'm also scared to take time off because then I'll probably end up in another disciplinary hearing and, even though they're all related illnesses, I'm concerned that I'll be treated more severely since it'll be my fourth absence and my second time in a hearing.
Plus there's the whole holiday mix up from last weekend as well. I was convinced I was on holiday because it was my cousin's wedding. But apparently there's no evidence of me ever requesting that day off so, when I wasn't there, it went down as an unauthorised absence. Since I effectively didn't show up for my shift.
I'm feeling so hopeless right now that part of me just wishes they would fire my ass... I hate feeling like that - I worked damn hard for 14 months to get that job and I'm fucking good at it!

Because my willpower's taken a hit, so has the CBT exercises, pole-dancing, yoga and the diet. I think the diet was pretty doomed early on to be honest but, at the same time, I've still been eating really healthily since that's the only kind of food I've been buying. I rarely leave the house for anything other than work and the hospital. Even then I go grudgingly.
With the hospital I end up so drained that I can barely walk afterwards which, when coupled with the exhaustion I get from the Mirtazapine, is pretty dire. On my first light treatment session they burned me quite badly - no blisters or anything, just a nasty sunburn for a couple of days. The psoriasis is clearing up really nicely though so that's refreshing! I still have to use the Eumovate and the coal tar and salicylic acid coconut oil stuff every week. I don't actually use it (I know, I know) it's the whole willpower thing again. Frankly it's awful to use. It smells bad. It looks bad. It feels bad. But it's bloody good stuff...

I think this will do for now. I have more photos to edit and they're not going to darken themselves. Fortunately Matt has a friend coming round tonight so I'll have the evening to myself to do the editing - even though I promised I'd play Magic with them. Honestly, the editing shouldn't take long.


So I shall leave you with this, one of my current favourite songs: the beautiful and vibrant, Veela.

Anti-depressants: The Bane of the Fat Girl

Yeah, the worst really hadn't passed when I last posted. It's all been pretty grim. Instead of cutting I turned to scratching and picking and biting: the therapist's whole "draw where you'd cut" thing didn't work for very long at all - ten minutes tops. My CBT sessions have restarted to stop me flipping out too much before I go to NPS next month and, as of this morning, I'm not due back at the doctors until I feel like something's going wrong. 

It's a little bit scary to not have my next appointment mapped out - it's been so long! - it should be alright though. 

I'm a bit worried about going up to 30mg Mirtazapine too but, again, it should be alright. I'm still getting the anxiety episodes and the days of epic rage but they aren't as bad anymore really. As for my low mood and the like, well, it's pretty nasty - hence the upping of the dose. 

I think that my longest ongoing health issue, alongside the depression, is my complete inability to lose weight and stay at whatever lower weight for any period of time at all. I had, in fact, started losing weight a month or two ago through calorie controlling and exercise but then I started taking Mirtazapine which makes you eat like a mofo... I mentioned this to my doctor, having gained nearly six kilos in a month, and he just looked at me apologetically and said "Unfortunately there's nothing I can do. It's just a side-effect of most anti-depressants. It's just a matter of finding ways to combat the weight gain..."

So aside from being generally fat (also, all the women in my family are overweight which can only exacerbate things really >_<) the meds make me bloated and sluggish. When I do exercise it makes me happy for about ten minutes afterwards then I just feel shit again. Regardless of how long I exercise or how intensely I do it. My psoriasis is getting so bad my skin's swelling up and chafing like crazy. To combat that, I'm starting light treatment in the next week or so too so that's going to pull the psoriasis back but probably also give me sunburn and/or 3rd degree burn blisters on my face/arms/stomach - you name it... Another side-effect of the Mirtazapine that I'm experiencing is 'strange sensations in the skin' which basically means either pins and needles, numbness or itching in one or more parts of my body. Usually my face/mouth (weirdest thing ever) or legs/forearms. Nothing really helps that apart from willpower. 

I've had a couple of run ins with HR at work because of my uniform (I wear a knee-length black skirt that happens to not be made by their supplier). They then gave me a pair of trousers to wear. Four hours later my legs were so swollen and painful, I could barely walk. I haven't been able to go pole dancing because of the state of my thighs and, needless to say, I have gone back to wearing my skirt. If they'd ordered me one four month ago like I'd asked, we wouldn't be having this problem...

All in all, life hasn't really changed here. I'm still fat and depressed and living in a crappy, messy flat with my other half and our flatmate, who isn't really speaking to either of us for some reason. I have started doing yoga properly though, I'm trying to do at least 20 minutes 3 times a week. I managed 30 minutes after work the day before yesterday, hoping to do an hour today once I've finished this. I do feel like it's really helping, I'm a lot calmer than I was and feel pretty peaceful. I've only done like five sessions though so I'm thinking that I'm not yet reaping the full benefits. 

I'm going to make a pretty drastic diet change (again) come Monday - I'm going paleo-vegetarian for 30 days to cleanse and detox my body. I'm doing it via Whole9 and it's reported to help improve the condition of people suffering from various medical things such as depression, anxiety, psoriasis, arthritis, lupus, Crohn's etc. In my opinion, I can't really get much worse than I have been these last few years so I've got bugger all to lose! 

Coming up this week (I'm trying to plan my blogs more so I actually do them), we've got a closer look at how I'm going to go paleo, my bucket list and why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed! See you later!

*links to come*