A Year of Loss

In the last 12 months, a startling number of people I was close to have died. Last January, my Great Grandma Vi, who'd lived to the grand old age of 101, died just short of her 102nd birthday. It both was and wasn't a surprise at the same time. She was very old (obviously) and very frail but she kept her wits until the moment of her death which was wonderful. I regret not spending more time listening to her stories. After a century on this earth, she must have had some amazing ones.

Then in the summer, my step-dad's mam, Jean, died. She took ill fairly suddenly and we were told as soon as she went into hospital that she was unlikely to make it more than six more weeks. She made less than three. She passed relatively peacefully, all things considered, although the manner of her sickness was, and still is, a point of embarrassment for my step-family. Simply, she was an alcoholic. The human body just isn't equipped to deal with the volume of alcohol she took in.

In September, as I've already written, my Gran, Dorothy, died. We were incredibly close. She pretty much raised me - even though I lived with my mum and step-dad, they both worked full-time so I spent a lot of time at my Gran's house until I was in college. Her death was sudden and heart-breaking. I think what made it even worse was that she recovered from her heart operation faster than we expected - doctors and nurses on the cardiac ward included. The speed of the turnaround from fine-but-tired-after-undergoing-heart-surgery to, well, dying was enough to give even the most seasoned head-banger whiplash.

The week before last, I heard that a close childhood friend, Hal, took his own life. We'd been in the county swimming club and competed together. He was in the year above me at the same school and even though we didn't hang out often through school, we always got on well and always promised to get together more often. It never materialised, unfortunately. Through college, I'd bump into him every other week or so and we always talked as if no time had passed. I regret not talking to him more. His life was a one so full of promise. He was a musician and a writer. He'd played at festivals with his band and was looking to get books published. He would have been so great. In one way, I wonder how it went so wrong for him but then again, at the same time, I totally understand how it could have happened, even if I don't know exactly what he went through. I can wish all I want that I was there for him when, realistically, it's pointless. He had better, closer friends than me who were or should have been there for him. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter how many people are there for you, if you feel as though you have no self-worth then nothing can make it better but you. It's a catch 22 situation and it's horrible.

This year has very limited ways that it can be worse than last year. I've said that before and I was told that I was jinxing it. Fuck jinxing it. There'll be hell to pay if this year falls to shit as well as last year. Frankly, after my sorry mental state in the last few weeks, I'm not sure I'd make it if this year was worse.

A Post From The Snowstorm and Happy Burns Night!

Well it's snowing outside - nothing new if you've been in the UK at all for the last fortnight - and it's forecast for about 10cm over the weekend. 10cm! That's like the middle of my shins! It's already ankle height - coming in over the tops of my shoes when I walk - it'll actually just swallow me whole if it gets  that much deeper.

That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.

Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...

When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...

There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!

Happy One Year Anniversary!!

Happy new year too!
So today officially marks 366 days since Matt and I started going out. It's a fairly momentous day for both of us since it's my first 'proper' relationships as in, longer than a few days or a fortnight - that sort of thing - and it's his longest relationship generally. Saying that, he broke up with his last girlfriend a fortnight before their first year so I must admit, I've been a touch worried of late!
We spent last night with a load of mates, hosting a party to see in the new year. It was wild, everyone got wasted and generally had a great time. This morning, Matt woke up with one of the most amazing hangovers I've ever seen. I plied him with water and alka seltzer and hugs until he felt sort of better at which point I provided him with a couple of slices of toast while he was one the phone to his mate from down south and I ate real food (cheese, spinach and macaroni soup from Sainsbury's which took freaking ages to defrost and toast, for dipping) in the living room.
Post-food, we watched District 9 and now we're about to watch Inception while we wait for EPIC Domino's pizza to be delivered. We did have several actual plans but the hangover, lack of public transport and laziness put a stop to all of that!

Anyway, the film's starting now so I'll maybe write more later...