No, Actually, I'm Not Dead Yet.

Getting back into the blog writing thing is tricky. I set up a little scheduling reminder thing on my phone a little while back to remind me to blog on certain days and stuff and I've steadfastly ignored each and every one up until today. To be honest, I even ignored today's until I got bored and restless enough.
I've been in a pretty dark place over the last few months and I know that I find blogging cathartic, it's just getting the willpower to actually do it that's the hard part.

A lot of the time, I just can't be bothered to blog; I'm so consumed will loathing for pretty much everything that the idea of doing something constructive disgusts and repels me. Although, occasionally, I can use this as fuel for creativity - photo-editing and things like it have been done very successfully in these darker days. NaNoWriMo in particular pulled me through a pretty rough time last year - it was just about a month after my Gran passed away and having Wrimo related obligations pulled me through it and forced me out of the house on a bi-weekly basis. It gave me a good, solid, creative outlet something to do other than just the monotony of work and college and crying. It helped. Sure, my grades for that period still suffered, my manner with the customers took a beating, but I didn't do too many self-destructive things. As pointless and futile as living seemed, I stuck with it, I got my 50k words in the 30 days, against all odds and successfully 'won' NaNoWriMo.

Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling on about that now, this post was just to get me back into the swing of writing (again) and I think it has. I'll do another post tonight, probably a medication based one. Maybe a music based one. It doesn't really matter to be honest, I'm just trying to theme my posts or at least my days a little bit more than having my brain vomit guff all over the internet. Maybe I'll do a weekly round-up of 'Shit That I Find Interesting' rather than spamming my Facebook feed with links from anywhere and everywhere... ANYWAY! I'm just trying to get my head in a little bit of order or something so that I don't feel like I'm going around the bend all the time.

Peace, people, TTYL!

Coming Up Blank

Writing this shit is hard. Like the title says, I'm coming up blank on pretty much everything these days. I'm on holiday from work which is kinda nice but at the same time, I feel sort of purposeless. This is why I tend not to take holiday. I've only been off for seven days and it feels like a fucking eternity. I'm not even due back until Sunday either...

Time is taking like six times as long as it should. It's only January 13th but it feels like it should be like March or something. November feels like a year away when in actual fact, NaNoWriMo ended barely six weeks ago. I can't handle all this too well. 

I'm getting paranoid, dejected, lonely even though my boyfriend's right there with me. It's sort of ridiculous but at the same time, I haven't even got the energy to feel that bad about myself. I mean, obviously I do, that's most of what's getting me down after all, but at the same time I'm just so apathetic towards it. I feel dead inside. Like a zombie or something.

I know it can be the meds. Mirtazapine can do that to you. One of the people I know had this reaction and switched to Fluoxetine. Obviously I can't do that - having tried them and it going badly, I don't exactly want to do it again. I don't know what I need, really, I guess, or what I want. Apart from a hug and some attention. Unfortunately, everyone's out at the moment so that's going to have to wait until later.

As for progress, I've started doing the washing. I've got maybe three loads left to do. And all the kitchen's nearly clean and the dishes are all done apart from a bunch of glasses and the plate and mug I used this morning. I changed the bedding yesterday. Or maybe the day before. Either way, it's changed. It doesn't match this time like it did but I guess that doesn't really matter. My eating's not going so well and with all the festive disruption my gym going's kind of gone all to pot but I'll be going later today, and then before college tomorrow, with a rest day on Wednesday. I don't want to plan too far ahead, because I can find it too restricting and overwhelming, but at the same time I need some structure to actually make me get out of bed in the morning. I'm actually managing to do my currents project at college now too. There's the PPD 2 and the portfolio that we're doing at the moment. PPD is personal and professional development or something like that, and weirdly for once, it is actually exactly what you'd think. It's a portfolio of work that details my progression into photography and the world of photographers. Everything that I've learned about shoots and target setting and visiting class speakers and jobs in the industry that I've looked at. It all goes into the documents and then it counts for a decent portion of my grade at the end. The other project is the portfolio which is huge and important and it's to be used in our professional lives to get clients and frankly, that fucking terrifies me. What scares me more - I guess that should be 'scared' now - is the fact that it is supposed to be a professional grade portfolio which costs approximately £150 - £200.

I worried and worried about this, and the money that I had to pull out my arse for the London trip, until last Thursday. I turned up to college fairly convinced that I was supposed to have a lesson but apparently not. But I bumped into my lecturer, who I'll not be getting on there but more on that later, and sorted of freaked out all my stresses about there was no fucking way I can afford any of any of the things I 'need' this year. 

We agreed that I can submit my portfolio on my iPad - it's only going to have to be with my lecturer for one day in the summer. Hopefully it's not going to be when I'm at a festival! (More on that later too.)

As for the trip to London, I've got to talk to one of the girls on the full-time who's organising it all with the gallery. I still need to do that. I've been meaning to do it since November but I dunno. The thought of talking to a stranger about it, about the fact that I need yet more time to get £40 together, fucking terrifies me. I nearly lost my shit when I had to talk to my lecturer about it back in November! I feel like it'd be a wasted opportunity but then again, any sort of opportunity like that is never going to be a waste unless I really just submitted crappy work and frankly, I don't do crappy work. Especially not where music photography is concerned. 

I think I should just stop worrying about it or something. It's all going to turn out fine in the end. I just wish I didn't feel so shitty in the interim.

TGIO!

Across the world, writers - both professional and amateur alike - are celebrating the end of another NaNoWriMo. It's been a helluva month for everyone involved as always and as a first time Municipal Liaison, it's been particularly stressful for me! While I'm sure that MLs across the world will say that too,  I wanted to share some of my triumphs and hardships on here as a means of reflecting on my MLness so I can improve for next year.

1. I was way under prepared. 

I really had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. My region hadn't had an ML for a few years for one reason or another and the Wrimos had gotten used to that, I think. Yes there were a lot of first timers but at the same time, they had about as much clue as to what they were doing as I did! They did do exceptionally well though, and they were really understanding when I was in a flap.

To combat this, I'll do the following things:

Next year, I'll make sure I've got all my resources sorted well before NaNo actually starts. I'll not rely on the shoddy library printer either - I've been meaning to buy my own so I'll be using that.

I'll book rooms ahead of time in pubs, cafés, bars etc so that we always have somewhere to go. I tried that this year but my group size was just too unreliable.

2. I got stressed and hopeless when my Wrimos didn't show up for meet-ups.

This triggered my depression and I really struggled for a couple of weeks during November. I pretty much just stopped writing because I just didn't see why it mattered. Of course when I actually finished, after clawing it back for a few days, it was amazing. Loads of my Wrimos finished ahead of time so that was lovely too.

I realise that next year, I'll just have to take the numbers as they come. I know now not to expect a huge turn out or even a reliable one. I know that people will say by text that they'll do something or they'll help out but then, a lot of the time, they actually don't when it comes down to it. It's a shame but that's just people I guess!

3. I didn't look after myself enough.

I spent that much time worrying and staying up until ungodly hours that I didn't get enough sleep at all. And, on top of that, because I was staying up so late, I kept forgetting to take my medication. On top of the new hormones from getting the coil out and the implant in, by the end of the month, I was a paranoid, stressed, emotional wreck. I was even hallucinating yesterday and the day before!

Next year, I'll endeavour to (at the very least) take my medication on time. I'll try to keep my bed time as regular as possible too.

4. I could have scheduled more Wrimo time.

I only sent one email a week and I wasn't really that omnipresent on the forums either. To be honest though, my Wrimos felt that the OLL sent out too many emails so in a way I was  glad that I wasn't part of that problem.

I did however, post my mobile number, email and twitter addresses so that my Wrimos could get in touch at any time. If they didn't utilise that then, frankly, that isn't my fault.

5. My college work took a back seat, to my detriment.

Although I didn't fail my module, by any stretch, I didn't do as well as I could have either. I could have planned my photoshoot in advance and researched more, I could have done the shoot on time and not handed everything in late.

All of these things I could have avoided and gotten a better grade. Never mind though, I suppose, it's passed now so there's nothing I can do but do better at the next module.

All in all, I still feel that it was a success. I crossed that 50,000 word finish line with a few hours to spare and a whole bunch of my Wrimos were successful too. My meet-ups were attended, even if numbers were low, and people had fun and made friends too. Obviously, I want to do it all again next year and, hopefully, I'll have less work on at college then too.

Checking In

So the last few weeks/months seem to have come straight from hell - special delivery too, might I add. After my last post, my gran deteriorated with alarming speed. An infection of some sort, and the whole heart rate thing were the cause of that. I visited her on Saturday evening and she was, obviously, very ill but she was also fairly stable. By Monday she could barely breathe on her own and, when I saw her in the early afternoon, had been moved to ICU.
At 5am on Tuesday morning, I got a call saying that we had to go in. The nurses at the hospital didn't think my gran would live long enough for us to get there. She held on for another hour and died just after 6am. It came out of nowhere and left us all in a shambles.

The three of us, my mum, auntie and I, organised the majority of the funeral details together. The day itself went without a hitch - for the most part - and there was a huge turnout at both the church and the crematorium. It just went to show how well-loved my gran was.

After that, I had a disciplinary at work for my absence at the end of August. After I explained to them how close I came to taking my own life they decided it would be against the company values to discipline me. They didn't do anything particularly helpful and I was allowed one day's worth of compassionate leave - my gran practically raised me so, even though I wasn't really entitled to any leave since she 'wasn't a direct relative', my special circumstances warranted a day off to organise the funeral.
Work's not gotten any better, I still pretty much hate it. The customers are awful and the staff aren't much better and, in all honesty, I can't wait for something else to come up so that I can leave.

In other news, college is going pretty well and I'm midway through my first two proper, graded projects (see my latest project here). On an even more fun (and nerve-wracking) note, NaNoWriMo is almost upon us! 50k words in 30 days whilst also working, studying and trying to corral a region for the first time? Total cake-walk...

Just when you think it's all over.

So my gran - the one mentioned in the earlier post today, who'd had a heart operation - had her check up with the consultant today. She'd not been doing too badly even though she hadn't really been doing enough exercise or drinking enough so we weren't expecting it to go badly. I don't think it went badly so much as created a mild concern for the consultant. She's being kept in again because her heart rate's too fast. I don't really know anything else just yet but hopefully it'll just be stress from being out of the house - she hasn't really left the house since her operation. She'd been out a couple of times but always with someone and, when it came to walking less than 500m to go to the doctors the other day, she wanted to be driven.
My gran used to be really independent and always busy - she was really physically fit and had a very 'make do and mend' out look on life and was generally a healthy, robust woman, if slightly overweight due to too many biscuits/carbs. I'm just worried that she's going to turn into one of these frail, sickly, old biddies who are scared to go anywhere in case something happens. We'd spend days in Newcastle walking, talking and shopping, stopping here and there for a bite to eat or a cup of tea but now it seems like that's never going to happen again and I'm worried that she's going to lose herself to this post-op fear.
It's probably nothing - maybe the consultant will give her a nudge in the right direction and she'll be back to her old self by the spring. She gets on well with Mr Lord, he's been her favourite doctor all along. Part of me wonders if it's because he's british and treats her like his own grandmother. She has that slightly narrow-minded personality that a lot of elderly people seem to have regarding 'foreign' doctors. Personally, as long as they speak the language well enough to work effectively, I don't see a problem with having doctors that weren't born and/or raised in Britain.

Anyway. I'm trying not to think about things that worry me, remember.

Today is my only free day this week - no college, no college work and no work. So far, I've pretty much wasted it. I was going to tidy and do yoga - spend the day improving my living and my living conditions. The only 'good' thing I've done is have a fairly healthy breakfast: overnight oats (fruit and nut muesli, a tbsp of maple syrup, topped up with low-fat natural yoghurt in a re-used salsa jar). The rest of my day thus far (at nearly 3pm) has been spent lamenting the death of iOS 6 and playing Papers, Please, which, if you haven't played it, I strongly recommend that you do. It has such a simple concept but it is in fact really captivating.
Regarding iOS 7, I'm not really a fan. It was too much of a change too quickly and nearly everything about its visuals is repulsive. It's cartoonish and child-like and too 'Android'. If I'd wanted something that looked and acted like an android, I'd have bought a friggin' android! I must admit, it is growing on me - very, very slowly. One of the features which I do really like is Airdrop. It's just so handy having aeroplane mode, bluetooth, 'do not disturb', wifi, music, etc in nice, easy-to-operate page which is accessible in one motion from any screen. The way they've changed the navigation bar is ok too - I did really like the other one but this one has much less clutter.
I don't like how blocky all the native icons are now either - it just looks really amateur and childish. I like the iPhone because it was sophisticated and business-like almost in its appearance. Now, though, that's all gone and there's just colours everywhere... Not even slightly muted colours either and it almost looks kind of trashy.
Maybe it'll grow on me. Maybe it's just where my head's at right now and it'll grow on me more as I become less of a cynic. Maybe I'll learn to enjoy trivial things and embracing the inner child. Or maybe pigs will fly.

Until then, I'm just going to make do with what I've got and organise things til I feel better.

More and More Appointments.

At the moment it seems as though, if I'm not in an appointment with a doctor/nurse, I'm booking one. There was one today - bloods, to check my thyroid and blood sugar; this Thursday, a follow up from my last medication change; the I booked my new therapist - an actual shrink this time - for the 3rd week in May; on the second week of June I've got an appointment with the consultant at the RVI for my light treatment appointments. 

I know that on Thursday I'm going to have to tell my doctor that the Fluoxetine just isn't cutting it and he's already insinuated that, since I was having difficulty adjusting, I'd have to have something new. I hope it's a new SSRI rather than something altogether new - I'm concerned that I'd have a far worse withdrawal/new medication reaction to something that wasn't an SSRI.

I'm getting an actual psychologist instead of a high-intensity therapist because the CBT, even though it was helping a huge amount, just wasn't making the grade in the long run. It helped me make my illness less obvious to others, I bottled things up and people didn't realise because I didn't get the physical symptoms or I didn't react like I usually would have. I told the doctor that I wanted to work further into my past rather than the immediate present because I felt that it helped more when I did things like that with my regular intensity therapist in the first place. I did say this last autumn but no one took any notice back then.

Other than that, I'm still having difficulty finding the motivation to do pretty much anything - go to college, walk to work etc. Hopefully before long they'll have me put right but in the mean time, I'm just going to try my best to do a little bit of something every day. I'll try to walk to work tomorrow instead of getting the bus there and back - I know it's not a long walk, only about half an hour but when I leave the house it just seems impossible...

At least I finally finished that essay for college - took me an extra month but I did it in the end... I've lost about 25% of my grade already and I might even just get 40% overall but at least I handed it in in the end. I wasn't even going to do that the other day. This morning I even contemplated dropping out but then I pulled myself together, made and paid for some amazing business cards and got down to doing the essay and the photo editing. (Click here for more info on my photography and my college work.)

Yesterday involved a lot of personal stress - potentially why I'm feeling so skewed today. Fortunately I have since found out that everything's been resolved well and there's no longer anything to fret about so that's good at least!

I've recently discovered a newfound love of drawing manga and whatnot. I've been on Paigeedraw pretty much everyday since I downloaded it a week and a half ago. I've been uploading pretty consistently too - the only day I've not done anything at all is today because I was determined to do that essay (even though it literally took ten hours to write 1200 words - horrendous for me!). I bought myself some coloured pencils rather than jumping straight in and shelling out £60 for some Copic markers but I haven't had the chance to use them yet. I think I'm going to get some extra overtime in and save up for some Copics, a Fitbit and a set of fancy fat/muscle measuring scales like the Aria ones on the fitbit site... 

I've realised that I want to be fit, regardless of weight or size - I just need to remember that in my not so good moments. I'm going to set myself some goals - I took the idea from the lululemon site earlier today - so I'm going to to do vague ten year and five year ones and then more specific one year ones. I'm going to do three categories (health, personal and career) and there'll be two goals per category. There's a handy worksheet here that I'm thinking of downloading and printing off at college on Thursday.

As for pole dancing, everything's going pretty well. I've almost mastered the split grip and I learned the corkscrew spin the other day. Then I ripped open the side of my middle finger and was consequentially useless for the last ten minutes of my class... I missed it on Monday because I was just so exhausted but hopefully I'll be back in on Friday. I'm also hoping to get my own pole up in the spare room this week sometime. It'll be good to have one here to practice on all the time - maybe that way I'll get better and fitter faster.

Anyway, that's it for now - I'm off to put pizza in the oven for Matt and myself. I might even make myself a packed lunch to take to work tomorrow since I'm doing eight hours rather than my normal six hours. I've got a load of salad and some Quorn chicken style pieces and pitta breads and houmous... The options are endless!

Something to chew over.

I've just posted this on my photography blog/college progress journal that I have to keep as part of my degree. It just struck me - the profound effect my mental state is having on my life and my loves. This time last year, and before then too, photography was everything to me. It's all I wanted to do. Now I hardly ever indulge it.


"So since my summer term begins on Tuesday, I thought I'd best update this again.

I'm struggling. More than I ever have before. I was supposed to hand in an essay two weeks ago. Not only did I miss the deadline because of being sick, it wasn't even finished. I've never found essays hard. Ever. But this is something else. I just can't write it. I can't formulate the words, the argument, the research. I've never just not handed work in!
I think the largest part of the reason for my dreadful attendance and shoddy punctuality is my medication and my current mental state. My struggle with severe depression and anxiety has meant that I have been unable to make it into college on several occasions. There have also been times when medical appointments have interfered with my ability to get to college. Not only that, but they've impacted on my photography. I don't go out anymore just to take photos, I don't organise shoots, I don't do gigs for GetYourRockOut, I don't do any editing. I feel like my dream of getting into the photography business is slipping through my fingers because I can't bear to do anything. I haven't got the energy or the willpower to do anything at all.
From time to time I feel like I can do it: like I can carry on and take photos, like I can make it in the industry. But really, most of the time I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time and money doing this degree. I feel utterly hopeless and lost.
I just don't know where I belong anymore.

Despite all of this, one of our current assignments is all about branding material so I've just spent a couple of hours designing some business cards. I'll be paying for them on Friday because it's payday then and I currently have less than a fiver to my name...
I'm about to start working on my creative CV and add more to my work based learning document. I'm going to email GYRO and explain why I've gone AWOL and hopefully they'll understand. That way I might be able to do some more gigs for them and maybe more interviews.
I love it when I'm there - it really is what I want to do with my life. When I was at Hammerfest in March I would have done anything to be in the pit with the rest of the photographers - it was driving me crazy just being in the crowd.

I'm still thinking of doing a journalism degree after the third year of the FdA. I'm just doubting my ability to do it I guess, along with worrying about the horrendous level of debt I'll have at that point. Heaven knows what the university fees will be like in September 2014.

I've just realised that September 2014 is terrifyingly close. It's a year and a half away. That's no time at all. I don't think I could ever possibly be ready for that!"

Find the rest of the posts - happier posts - at shootforthemoonphotography.blogspot.com
There's also examples of my photography there too!

Phobias

So, since a related event has just occurred, I thought now be an appropriate time to write about some of the things that I have fears of. My list goes thus (mostly in order):

1. Spiders - this is the big one. The only spiders I can usually 'tolerate' are the tiny, tiny, tiny ones. 
2. Centipedes/Millipedes and maggots
3. Most things that have more than four legs (why on earth would anything need more that four legs?)
4. Sharks
5. Imagined 'things' (note: this is usually when I have had a bad meds day or some such)
6. Imagined 'things' in the dark (see note above)
7. Making people angry
8. Deep water (including points 3 and 4)
9. Going crazy
10. Heights

In one fell swoop when I was putting dishes away about twenty minutes ago, I encountered fears 1 and 3. A spider eating, as in actually on top of, a wrapped up hide beetle. Now I have a thing about hide beetles because, they themselves look kinda like woodlice. Their young look like woolly maggots crossed with centipedes. In the last flat I lived in, we had a horrendous infestation of hide beetles. This infestation created the fear.

After I opened the cupboard door and saw this spider - at first I just thought it was a bit of rubbish or something - I sat there transfixed as it moved off the hide beetle then proceeded to run along the sides and back of the cupboard behind the other dishes and away into the dark. I was shaken but ok. Then everything started to itch. Now I'm afraid to pick anything up or move anything in case there's a spider underneath it. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I want to get a drink but I can't because I'm afraid to leave the room.

Now, I was due some propranolol anyway and I didn't take it before work this morning so (I know, I'm not supposed to but) I doubled my midday dose. It's taken the edge off and I've stopped shaking but it hasn't really done anything else. To be honest, when I started taking the propranolol, it made my phobias and such like worse even though it made my anxiety better.

Spiders and other creepy crawlies play the biggest part in my visual hallucinations. I see them coming out of the walls and the ceiling and crawling towards me along the floor. It's not too great. It makes me jumpy. I've mentioned this to my doctor and he at first asked me if I drank a lot because that sort of hallucination can be alcohol related. I've since found out that seeing spiders and whatnot crawling out of walls was something my great grandma saw too. Now I don't drink a lot or very often and I'm fairly certain that she was t-total so I'm not convinced it's alcohol related. As for any other reasons, I'm mildly concerned that I'm going round the bend.

I'll be sure to keep you posted...

In other news, the Herbalife thing is going fairly well. I'm not sure if I've actually lost any weight or inches because I forgot to do my measurements at the start but I'm reacting fairly badly to lots of carbs. For example, I had pizza the other night and was ill all night and the next day... I am enjoying it though so that's something at least :)

Anyway, i'm going to get back to writing my college essay - I'm fairly certain I failed the module already so I'm not sure why I'm even bothering but I just can't leave it unhanded in... 

Flu, Viral Infection or Meningitis - Medical Roulette

After explaining my symptoms to one of the out of doctors, I was told I probably had one of the above three conditions. Their symptom checker, which, yes, I made the mistake of using, told me I'd either had a stroke or had a "serious illness". The first person I spoke to after calling 111 seemed a bit simple - I'm not sure whether she knew what she was doing or whether she thought I wasn't talking sense but she kept asking and re-asking the same questions, explaining the difference between dizzy and light-headed by using roundabout analogies, and managed to come up with about four different versions of my surname after I'd explained it to her and then spelled the whole thing out twice. The actual doctor I spoke to was lovely and really helpful, she went through her questions like a normal person and didn't treat me like an invalid but did manage to give me the "probably flu, a viral infection or maybe meningitis" diagnosis which was a little alarming... She put me on the 'urgent' list for call backs and appointments and a little while later I got a call saying to get to the hospital as soon as I possibly could so, with a friend in tow (at the demand of my other half who was at work), I made my way to A&E. After a pretty reasonable waiting time, I got to see the doctor. She made me do a few rather fun coordination and reaction tests after taking my temperature, blood pressure and pulse. She checked the back of my eyes and made me stand with my arms across my chest and eyes shut - to see if I fell over essentially - and then checked my throat and tonsils before quickly dismissing the notion of meningitis and flu. A viral infection then, and quite a nasty one at that, was deemed most of the cause of my problems. Another contributing factor, she said, is withdrawal from Citalopram. That's likely the cause of my five day migraine. Joy... So I left the hospital with a prescription for some lovely penicillin based antibiotics (which I couldn't get today - damn bank holidays) and the feeling of being reassured that the lining of my brain was not inflamed in any way.

To go back to the Citalopram withdrawal: I meant to write a couple of weeks ago about how the Citalopram was no longer cutting it and the doctor and I had decided it was possibly time for a change. I asked for a few days to think and that, because it's nigh impossible to get an appointment at the surgery, turned into a few weeks. I went back on Tuesday after spending all of Monday in a semi-catatonic state and he decided that I should move onto Fluoxetine within the week. My instructions for the transition were to go to half dose for three days (yesterday was day two, I nearly killed myself, I instead spent about half an hour self-harming) and then to drop to quarter dose for three days. After that, I can start taking 20mg of Fluoxetine a day. Apparently it's a rough starter and that can last anywhere from two to six weeks and since I already had a rocky beginning with Citalopram, I'm not looking forward to it so much... I dunno, maybe it'll be alright - it can't get tooooo much worse I suppose.

Other than that, things are going alright, I moved departments at work so I'm even happier there now than I was before. College is going alright but I missed my latest deadline due to sickness (read Citalopram withdrawal and viral infection) so I'll lose out on marks for that unfortunately. On the plus side, we've broke for Easter now so I've got a fortnight to improve my essay and work on my image. I've gone back to pole dancing and I'm getting back into the swing of it all so to speak.
I'm going to start setting proper times and dates to blog and I'm going to start writing and drawing again. And, now that the weather's getting better, I'm going to start running again. I think it'll all help with the depression lark and stuff.

Anyway, I'm going to get some more rest. Night all!