As much as I'd like to write about the many things that have happened since my last proper update post, I can't. Nothing much really has happened. I've had a few NaNo meets and the washing machine broke. Plus there was a flat inspection and then the hoover broke too. Other than that very little has gone on.
College is still going fine, I'm still in my third year, still doing photography, still loving it. The only thing that's changed there is that I'm now fairly determined to do the top-up year in order to make my FdA a full BA in Photography once I've finished this summer. After my Gran died, I did a lot of thinking about it and, especially since Matt's going to be at college an extra year now, I think it's for the best. I'll get a more credible, more widely recognised and understood qualification plus more funding in that year. It may mean adjusting my work hours but hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. It'll also give me the means to set up my own business which is what I want to do in the long term after all!
Other news - exciting news, that is - concerns me going back to karate as a favourite thing and maybe, possibly opening my own club up in the spring this year. Hopefully between myself and the three/four others I'll be working with, we'll have our own permanent, 24 hour venue in which to run fitness classes, flexibility training, karate classes, kick-boxing, tae kwon do and sports massage sessions. I also want to start teaching yoga but at the moment I'm no where near good enough for that! We're going down to Birmingham in January to start our formal instructor training with a gentleman from Verve. I'm pretty excited (and simultaneously terrified).
In the same vein, I finally got approved for joining a gym by the doctor when I visited this morning. What one guy was going to charge me £20 for (and not actually give me a medical exam) I got for free from the doctor that sorts my medication. He's not my GP but at the moment he's as good as - he sorts my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets as my GP was on maternity leave at the time and I'd rather not have too many people adjusting my medication here and there as they see fit! As soon as I got the note saying that I was deemed well enough to join the gym, I dropped it off at the gym in question and booked by induction for Friday afternoon. I'm super excited for it, if I'm honest, and a little bit nervous but to be honest, that's usually the best combination.
Now that I've got that sorted, I'm going to start eating paleo (again) and stick to it through doing 80:20. In short, I'll eat paleo 80% of the time but allow myself one day (or just a few meals) that aren't paleo compliant in order to not restrict myself so much that I can't stick to the way of eating. I really want to cut back on my gluten consumption too - after reading into what gluten can actually do to your digestive system and about how people who are sensitive don't often know it, I think it'd just be safer not to eat it. After all, it could be a contributor to my psoriasis and god knows I'll do anything to get rid of that!
I'm still doing fairly well after the light treatment ended. I've got a few patches on my face that have come back but I know that if I moisturise they'll calm down and, failing that, I've still got some Eumovate and Tacrolimus ointments. It's my scalp that's doing the worst at the moment but that's due to me not using the Sebco ointment and wearing my hair up or in hats because of work and the cold... Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother keeping on top of all my creams and things because I feel so awful about myself anyway. Then I remember that I always feel better when my skin and hair look better - I worry less about my appearance and am generally happier. Plus I'm more willing to do other things to look after myself such as my CBT activities, exercise and healthy eating.
Another reason that I was at the doctors today is that I found a lump in my breast and Matt insisted that I got it checked out. My mum had a breast cancer scare earlier this year so it'd be a lie to say that I wasn't worried about it but, fortunately, the doctor thinks that it's unlikely to be anything serious and is likely just a cyst that may need drained (which is pretty disgusting but certainly not cancer so yay!) Even so, he's sending me off to the special under-30s breast clinic in the next couple of weeks to get an ultrasound just in case and for them to treat it in whatever way they see fit.
That's everything that I can think of for now but I shall be sure to update if anything else comes up!
Showing posts with label cbt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cbt. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
As Good As It Was...
Sincerest apologies for being pretty absent recently. I've had a lot on, sort of.
By that, I mean I've not actually had a lot going on but it's felt like a ridiculous amount of stuff due to my epic lack of mental oomph these days. Right this moment I'm actually getting hassle from the webzine I volunteer for. They're saying I didn't send them the right pictures even though I did - it's not my fault if where the venue allow me to stand has a shitty viewpoint... Plus, if they'd done their job right in the first place I'd have been able to do the entire job rather than just do damage control from that failure of a day...
Other than that, I've had a disciplinary hearing at work for being off so much and they really grilled me about every little detail. They didn't quite want to hear the gruesome bits so much though. And the note-taker managed to make me sound like a moron. Instead of actually writing what I said he paraphrased it resulting in me sounding incredibly simple. I've applied for a temp job at Lush in Eldon Square in town over the winter so hopefully I'll get that and they'll keep me on. That way I'll be able to get out of my current job for good. I don't even care if I have to work twice as much - it's something I really want to do and will doubtless have fun doing. I found out the other week that I'd been shortlisted for an interview so I'm pretty psyched about that!
My ability to do housework guttered out about the same time the will to anything that wasn't watching mindless American TV did. It took me a little while to notice - we'd ran out of forks and underwear before I actually did anything about it. Most of my free time has been spent getting really fucking blitzed.
The meds have plateaued again. I think all the stress has just shut down my serotonin and ramped up the cortisol and I'm really not doing very well. When I rang the doctors' yesterday to get an appointment, and a prescription, I was told there was no pre-bookable appointments available until some time in September. As a result, I'm just going to have to turn up one morning and hope for the best! They always have on-the-day appointments for emergencies. I guess I just wish that exceptions could be made. I suppose then everyone would want to be the exception though...
I want some time off work - I feel like I need to just pull back and regroup. Just to sort myself out before I jump back into work. I've got a new therapist now - she's a psychologist rather than a CBT therapist. She seems lovely. I just think that the whole therapy thing is going to get worse before it gets better and I'm honestly not sure if I can do work as well. I can barely talk to customers right now as it is! If it gets any worse I'm worried that I'll say something to someone that'll land me in so much shit that I'll just get fired.
I'm also scared to take time off because then I'll probably end up in another disciplinary hearing and, even though they're all related illnesses, I'm concerned that I'll be treated more severely since it'll be my fourth absence and my second time in a hearing.
Plus there's the whole holiday mix up from last weekend as well. I was convinced I was on holiday because it was my cousin's wedding. But apparently there's no evidence of me ever requesting that day off so, when I wasn't there, it went down as an unauthorised absence. Since I effectively didn't show up for my shift.
I'm feeling so hopeless right now that part of me just wishes they would fire my ass... I hate feeling like that - I worked damn hard for 14 months to get that job and I'm fucking good at it!
Because my willpower's taken a hit, so has the CBT exercises, pole-dancing, yoga and the diet. I think the diet was pretty doomed early on to be honest but, at the same time, I've still been eating really healthily since that's the only kind of food I've been buying. I rarely leave the house for anything other than work and the hospital. Even then I go grudgingly.
With the hospital I end up so drained that I can barely walk afterwards which, when coupled with the exhaustion I get from the Mirtazapine, is pretty dire. On my first light treatment session they burned me quite badly - no blisters or anything, just a nasty sunburn for a couple of days. The psoriasis is clearing up really nicely though so that's refreshing! I still have to use the Eumovate and the coal tar and salicylic acid coconut oil stuff every week. I don't actually use it (I know, I know) it's the whole willpower thing again. Frankly it's awful to use. It smells bad. It looks bad. It feels bad. But it's bloody good stuff...
I think this will do for now. I have more photos to edit and they're not going to darken themselves. Fortunately Matt has a friend coming round tonight so I'll have the evening to myself to do the editing - even though I promised I'd play Magic with them. Honestly, the editing shouldn't take long.
So I shall leave you with this, one of my current favourite songs: the beautiful and vibrant, Veela.
By that, I mean I've not actually had a lot going on but it's felt like a ridiculous amount of stuff due to my epic lack of mental oomph these days. Right this moment I'm actually getting hassle from the webzine I volunteer for. They're saying I didn't send them the right pictures even though I did - it's not my fault if where the venue allow me to stand has a shitty viewpoint... Plus, if they'd done their job right in the first place I'd have been able to do the entire job rather than just do damage control from that failure of a day...
Other than that, I've had a disciplinary hearing at work for being off so much and they really grilled me about every little detail. They didn't quite want to hear the gruesome bits so much though. And the note-taker managed to make me sound like a moron. Instead of actually writing what I said he paraphrased it resulting in me sounding incredibly simple. I've applied for a temp job at Lush in Eldon Square in town over the winter so hopefully I'll get that and they'll keep me on. That way I'll be able to get out of my current job for good. I don't even care if I have to work twice as much - it's something I really want to do and will doubtless have fun doing. I found out the other week that I'd been shortlisted for an interview so I'm pretty psyched about that!
My ability to do housework guttered out about the same time the will to anything that wasn't watching mindless American TV did. It took me a little while to notice - we'd ran out of forks and underwear before I actually did anything about it. Most of my free time has been spent getting really fucking blitzed.
The meds have plateaued again. I think all the stress has just shut down my serotonin and ramped up the cortisol and I'm really not doing very well. When I rang the doctors' yesterday to get an appointment, and a prescription, I was told there was no pre-bookable appointments available until some time in September. As a result, I'm just going to have to turn up one morning and hope for the best! They always have on-the-day appointments for emergencies. I guess I just wish that exceptions could be made. I suppose then everyone would want to be the exception though...
I want some time off work - I feel like I need to just pull back and regroup. Just to sort myself out before I jump back into work. I've got a new therapist now - she's a psychologist rather than a CBT therapist. She seems lovely. I just think that the whole therapy thing is going to get worse before it gets better and I'm honestly not sure if I can do work as well. I can barely talk to customers right now as it is! If it gets any worse I'm worried that I'll say something to someone that'll land me in so much shit that I'll just get fired.
I'm also scared to take time off because then I'll probably end up in another disciplinary hearing and, even though they're all related illnesses, I'm concerned that I'll be treated more severely since it'll be my fourth absence and my second time in a hearing.
Plus there's the whole holiday mix up from last weekend as well. I was convinced I was on holiday because it was my cousin's wedding. But apparently there's no evidence of me ever requesting that day off so, when I wasn't there, it went down as an unauthorised absence. Since I effectively didn't show up for my shift.
I'm feeling so hopeless right now that part of me just wishes they would fire my ass... I hate feeling like that - I worked damn hard for 14 months to get that job and I'm fucking good at it!
Because my willpower's taken a hit, so has the CBT exercises, pole-dancing, yoga and the diet. I think the diet was pretty doomed early on to be honest but, at the same time, I've still been eating really healthily since that's the only kind of food I've been buying. I rarely leave the house for anything other than work and the hospital. Even then I go grudgingly.
With the hospital I end up so drained that I can barely walk afterwards which, when coupled with the exhaustion I get from the Mirtazapine, is pretty dire. On my first light treatment session they burned me quite badly - no blisters or anything, just a nasty sunburn for a couple of days. The psoriasis is clearing up really nicely though so that's refreshing! I still have to use the Eumovate and the coal tar and salicylic acid coconut oil stuff every week. I don't actually use it (I know, I know) it's the whole willpower thing again. Frankly it's awful to use. It smells bad. It looks bad. It feels bad. But it's bloody good stuff...
I think this will do for now. I have more photos to edit and they're not going to darken themselves. Fortunately Matt has a friend coming round tonight so I'll have the evening to myself to do the editing - even though I promised I'd play Magic with them. Honestly, the editing shouldn't take long.
So I shall leave you with this, one of my current favourite songs: the beautiful and vibrant, Veela.
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
More and More Appointments.
At the moment it seems as though, if I'm not in an appointment with a doctor/nurse, I'm booking one. There was one today - bloods, to check my thyroid and blood sugar; this Thursday, a follow up from my last medication change; the I booked my new therapist - an actual shrink this time - for the 3rd week in May; on the second week of June I've got an appointment with the consultant at the RVI for my light treatment appointments.
I know that on Thursday I'm going to have to tell my doctor that the Fluoxetine just isn't cutting it and he's already insinuated that, since I was having difficulty adjusting, I'd have to have something new. I hope it's a new SSRI rather than something altogether new - I'm concerned that I'd have a far worse withdrawal/new medication reaction to something that wasn't an SSRI.
I'm getting an actual psychologist instead of a high-intensity therapist because the CBT, even though it was helping a huge amount, just wasn't making the grade in the long run. It helped me make my illness less obvious to others, I bottled things up and people didn't realise because I didn't get the physical symptoms or I didn't react like I usually would have. I told the doctor that I wanted to work further into my past rather than the immediate present because I felt that it helped more when I did things like that with my regular intensity therapist in the first place. I did say this last autumn but no one took any notice back then.
Other than that, I'm still having difficulty finding the motivation to do pretty much anything - go to college, walk to work etc. Hopefully before long they'll have me put right but in the mean time, I'm just going to try my best to do a little bit of something every day. I'll try to walk to work tomorrow instead of getting the bus there and back - I know it's not a long walk, only about half an hour but when I leave the house it just seems impossible...
At least I finally finished that essay for college - took me an extra month but I did it in the end... I've lost about 25% of my grade already and I might even just get 40% overall but at least I handed it in in the end. I wasn't even going to do that the other day. This morning I even contemplated dropping out but then I pulled myself together, made and paid for some amazing business cards and got down to doing the essay and the photo editing. (Click here for more info on my photography and my college work.)
Yesterday involved a lot of personal stress - potentially why I'm feeling so skewed today. Fortunately I have since found out that everything's been resolved well and there's no longer anything to fret about so that's good at least!
I've recently discovered a newfound love of drawing manga and whatnot. I've been on Paigeedraw pretty much everyday since I downloaded it a week and a half ago. I've been uploading pretty consistently too - the only day I've not done anything at all is today because I was determined to do that essay (even though it literally took ten hours to write 1200 words - horrendous for me!). I bought myself some coloured pencils rather than jumping straight in and shelling out £60 for some Copic markers but I haven't had the chance to use them yet. I think I'm going to get some extra overtime in and save up for some Copics, a Fitbit and a set of fancy fat/muscle measuring scales like the Aria ones on the fitbit site...
I've realised that I want to be fit, regardless of weight or size - I just need to remember that in my not so good moments. I'm going to set myself some goals - I took the idea from the lululemon site earlier today - so I'm going to to do vague ten year and five year ones and then more specific one year ones. I'm going to do three categories (health, personal and career) and there'll be two goals per category. There's a handy worksheet here that I'm thinking of downloading and printing off at college on Thursday.
As for pole dancing, everything's going pretty well. I've almost mastered the split grip and I learned the corkscrew spin the other day. Then I ripped open the side of my middle finger and was consequentially useless for the last ten minutes of my class... I missed it on Monday because I was just so exhausted but hopefully I'll be back in on Friday. I'm also hoping to get my own pole up in the spare room this week sometime. It'll be good to have one here to practice on all the time - maybe that way I'll get better and fitter faster.
Anyway, that's it for now - I'm off to put pizza in the oven for Matt and myself. I might even make myself a packed lunch to take to work tomorrow since I'm doing eight hours rather than my normal six hours. I've got a load of salad and some Quorn chicken style pieces and pitta breads and houmous... The options are endless!
Saturday, 26 January 2013
A Post From The Snowstorm and Happy Burns Night!
Well it's snowing outside - nothing new if you've been in the UK at all for the last fortnight - and it's forecast for about 10cm over the weekend. 10cm! That's like the middle of my shins! It's already ankle height - coming in over the tops of my shoes when I walk - it'll actually just swallow me whole if it gets that much deeper.
That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.
Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...
When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...
There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!
That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.
Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...
When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...
There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
The End Is Nigh... Look Busy!
So next week heralds the end of my CBT sessions. I'm almost looking forward to it - my Monday mornings can be my lazy day lie-in again for the first time in forever! It's not only that though, I'm excited to be able to really have a chance to do this on my own at last - to test myself and see if I'm ready to stand up without Sarah as my weekly safety net.
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!
On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.
For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!
On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.
For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!
Friday, 4 January 2013
Ticking along
My latest doctor's appointment, which went pleasingly well, was the day before yesterday. It was just a routine check-up for my newest meds (the Diazopam from just before Christmas). It was nice to be able to say that everything's going fine and that the tablets aren't making me sick or worse than before.
I don't know how or why it's happened, or really even when it happened to be honest, but everything has calmed down. When I say everything, I mostly mean that I have calmed down - I'm not flighty or scared or nervous all the time, I'm relaxed and composed and secure for the first time in well over a year. Matt thought the sudden change in my mental state was his fault but I think this proves that, while I'll admit sometimes he really didn't help, it was never down to him. That it was all me, all in my head.
Drinking is getting easier too - since I've settled into the medication I've stopped having panic attacks after half a bottle of slowly sipped Rekorderlig. Everything is pretty much back to normal. I'm still hearing things and I still get times when I just feel overwhelmed by things or sad/hopeless/withdrawn but I think what I have to remember is that this kind of thing - long-term, severe depression etc - takes time to heal. I just have to be patient with myself, I can't force it and neither can anyone else.
My last two CBT sessions are this Monday and the one after. Sarah and I will be working on coping, consolidation and maintenance techniques. I'm not sure if I'll be getting any more CBT sessions. Or anything like that at all. I'm not too sure whether I'd want them either. It took a very long time for me to see any benefit from them but then again, having someone who truly understood from a medical/mental point of view to talk to every week really, really helped. The support I got from Stephen and Sarah helped more than anything I guess, as well as their knowledge, of course. I guess I do want to stop this depression at the root cause but I suppose since it's major trigger was nine years ago and it's also probably a lot to do with my genetics, I'm not sure if trying to 'cure' it once and for all would actually just make things worse...
I'll have to talk to Sarah about it next week.
Beyond all of that, the new year's been pretty great! I've not really done much but work and tidy although I did meet up with Charlotte yesterday. That was really good, we had a good catch up (well, I sat and gorged myself on cheesy pasta and garlic bread in Pizza Hut while she talked at me for three hours - don't get me wrong, mind, I had a really great day seeing her for a while) and we had a bit of a shop and a bitch and a moan about things too. She's still with that good for nothing but kindling, bastard boyfriend but ever since me, Matt and my mother scared the shit out of him on the 31st, he's been treating her better. I still wish she'd just get rid of him but that's not likely to happen anytime soon unfortunately...
Anyway, that'll have to do for now, I'm after something to eat before work. TTYL!
I don't know how or why it's happened, or really even when it happened to be honest, but everything has calmed down. When I say everything, I mostly mean that I have calmed down - I'm not flighty or scared or nervous all the time, I'm relaxed and composed and secure for the first time in well over a year. Matt thought the sudden change in my mental state was his fault but I think this proves that, while I'll admit sometimes he really didn't help, it was never down to him. That it was all me, all in my head.
Drinking is getting easier too - since I've settled into the medication I've stopped having panic attacks after half a bottle of slowly sipped Rekorderlig. Everything is pretty much back to normal. I'm still hearing things and I still get times when I just feel overwhelmed by things or sad/hopeless/withdrawn but I think what I have to remember is that this kind of thing - long-term, severe depression etc - takes time to heal. I just have to be patient with myself, I can't force it and neither can anyone else.
My last two CBT sessions are this Monday and the one after. Sarah and I will be working on coping, consolidation and maintenance techniques. I'm not sure if I'll be getting any more CBT sessions. Or anything like that at all. I'm not too sure whether I'd want them either. It took a very long time for me to see any benefit from them but then again, having someone who truly understood from a medical/mental point of view to talk to every week really, really helped. The support I got from Stephen and Sarah helped more than anything I guess, as well as their knowledge, of course. I guess I do want to stop this depression at the root cause but I suppose since it's major trigger was nine years ago and it's also probably a lot to do with my genetics, I'm not sure if trying to 'cure' it once and for all would actually just make things worse...
I'll have to talk to Sarah about it next week.
Beyond all of that, the new year's been pretty great! I've not really done much but work and tidy although I did meet up with Charlotte yesterday. That was really good, we had a good catch up (well, I sat and gorged myself on cheesy pasta and garlic bread in Pizza Hut while she talked at me for three hours - don't get me wrong, mind, I had a really great day seeing her for a while) and we had a bit of a shop and a bitch and a moan about things too. She's still with that good for nothing but kindling, bastard boyfriend but ever since me, Matt and my mother scared the shit out of him on the 31st, he's been treating her better. I still wish she'd just get rid of him but that's not likely to happen anytime soon unfortunately...
Anyway, that'll have to do for now, I'm after something to eat before work. TTYL!
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Breakthroughs
I keep having little breakthroughs at my CBT sessions. Unfortunately, almost as soon as I've gotten home after a session I forget what it was. The breakthrough and the thinking patterns it brings don't tend to leave me, just the actual thing itself. I find this really rather annoying because I always want to write them down...
I guess I want to record them so that when I'm feeling really awful, I can remember how I should be thinking and how I can change my thinking and my behaviour to something better and more effective/productive.
I'm getting a little better at it now but I know I could still improve.
I think, tomorrow, I'm going to spend most of the day tidying the flat and things - it's getting a little out of hand... After tidying I'm going to pop into work and buy an iPad 2 - I'm astoundingly excited about this, it seems like a beautiful use of my christmas money. I think I'm going to come home, sync it all up with my mac and my iPhone, take the music off my phone, update my iPod and properly organise my life a bit. I'm feeling surprisingly productive at the moment!
I guess I want to record them so that when I'm feeling really awful, I can remember how I should be thinking and how I can change my thinking and my behaviour to something better and more effective/productive.
I'm getting a little better at it now but I know I could still improve.
I think, tomorrow, I'm going to spend most of the day tidying the flat and things - it's getting a little out of hand... After tidying I'm going to pop into work and buy an iPad 2 - I'm astoundingly excited about this, it seems like a beautiful use of my christmas money. I think I'm going to come home, sync it all up with my mac and my iPhone, take the music off my phone, update my iPod and properly organise my life a bit. I'm feeling surprisingly productive at the moment!
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Hello World!
Now that I've started this blog, and configured it all to how I want it (for now at least), I don't know what to write.
I'm simply not entirely sure where to start. I want to introduce myself but I also want to keep my level of privacy. I want to get straight to the point but that seems a little blunt. I don't want to be all namby-pamby but at the same time I don't want to start this blog by being overly brutal. That's just not me.
I guess we'll have to go with at least a slightly more direct approach for now at least. Doubtless it won't last, it makes me slightly uncomfortable since it's very "Look at me! Behold my issues!" and people who are like that piss me off something rotten - mental problems are not something to be celebrated.
I was recently - I'll get a more specific timeline later - diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At this point I was already undergoing my second course of treatment for 'low mood, anxiety and low self-esteem'. My depression, at the time of my diagnosis, was so severe I was immediately advised to start taking Citalopram. A week later, the Citalopram - two per day - had made my anxiety so bad that I also had to start taking up to three Propanolol every day, as needed.
I'm going to go into exactly how my therapy sessions and my medication have effected me in due course but for now I think I'm going to go back to writing a little more about what I want to do with this blog.
I've been blogging for over a year now on Wordpress but it's most recent interface change was the last straw - I used to hate the way blogger looked in a similar way to how I'm uncomfortable with the way Wordpress has changed. I also had a number of people following that blog who don't currently know about my mental health situation and I would like to keep it that way until I am completely ready.
I'm not really sure what to do about the rather sizeable number of posts I have over on WP. I kind of want to have everything archived in one place but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to go about importing them all - e.g. is it really relevant? - and that would probably take forever thus I can't really be bothered right now...
I want to have this blog primarily as a 'this is how I'm coping with my conditions' record but I also want to have it as my main blog for my daily life. I want to be able to post here everyday at least once about everything and anything from my medication to my work, my family and my pole dancing!
I hope it works out alright - blogging really does help with the whole depression and anxiety thing. It's nice to get everything off my chest.
I'm simply not entirely sure where to start. I want to introduce myself but I also want to keep my level of privacy. I want to get straight to the point but that seems a little blunt. I don't want to be all namby-pamby but at the same time I don't want to start this blog by being overly brutal. That's just not me.
I guess we'll have to go with at least a slightly more direct approach for now at least. Doubtless it won't last, it makes me slightly uncomfortable since it's very "Look at me! Behold my issues!" and people who are like that piss me off something rotten - mental problems are not something to be celebrated.
I was recently - I'll get a more specific timeline later - diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At this point I was already undergoing my second course of treatment for 'low mood, anxiety and low self-esteem'. My depression, at the time of my diagnosis, was so severe I was immediately advised to start taking Citalopram. A week later, the Citalopram - two per day - had made my anxiety so bad that I also had to start taking up to three Propanolol every day, as needed.
I'm going to go into exactly how my therapy sessions and my medication have effected me in due course but for now I think I'm going to go back to writing a little more about what I want to do with this blog.
I've been blogging for over a year now on Wordpress but it's most recent interface change was the last straw - I used to hate the way blogger looked in a similar way to how I'm uncomfortable with the way Wordpress has changed. I also had a number of people following that blog who don't currently know about my mental health situation and I would like to keep it that way until I am completely ready.
I'm not really sure what to do about the rather sizeable number of posts I have over on WP. I kind of want to have everything archived in one place but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to go about importing them all - e.g. is it really relevant? - and that would probably take forever thus I can't really be bothered right now...
I want to have this blog primarily as a 'this is how I'm coping with my conditions' record but I also want to have it as my main blog for my daily life. I want to be able to post here everyday at least once about everything and anything from my medication to my work, my family and my pole dancing!
I hope it works out alright - blogging really does help with the whole depression and anxiety thing. It's nice to get everything off my chest.
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