Well this was supposed to go up a couple of days ago but I was in such a state, mentally and physically, that I was unable to bring myself to write the post.
My doctors, well their receptionists, managed to so royally screw up my prescription I had to go without my propranolol tablets for two and a half days. By the end of the first day, I was hearing things, by the lunch on the second day, I was seeing things. When I finally got the tablets at 9.20 on the third day, I was having full on visual and auditory hallucinations, could barely function and, consequentially nearly threw myself into the road to get rid of it all. My deterioration was so rapid and so incredible that it totally knocked me off my feet and, four days later, I'm still feeling the effects of it.
Aside from being missing the propranolol, I was missing the diazepam for a day and a half and the citalopram for a day too. It wasn't fun - looking back on it, it has a kind of morbid amusement but beyond that, I genuinely think I couldn't have made it through another night.
Thursday 31 January 2013
Tuesday 29 January 2013
Medication Mishap
Verbal exchange of the day:
At the doctors -
Receptionist: Well since your prescription isn't here, I can probably get it sorted for you tomorrow.
Me: No, that's not really going to work for me - I ran out of Citalopram yesterday...
Receptionist: So you won't be ok?
Me: No, I really do need it...
(For contextual purposes, I had previously been told that my script would just be there to pick up when I needed it and I really wouldn't be able to manage a day or two with no anti-depressants AND no anti-anxiety. That really just wouldn't be a thing - if I wasn't dead by the morning, I'd be a burbling, incarcerated mess...)
So! Today was a little bit mental. I was just buzzing around doing photography all afternoon for Mind and then trying to get everything printed off in time at college for the family portraits before the next class started as well as sorting out the quality of half of them... As consequence of my crazy day, I was three hours late for college and seven hours late in taking a third of the normal dose of my medication.
Thankfully, I'm now sitting and blogging, just finishing off a Jager and Coke, with all the guys (Matt, Boz and Dale) while they play Magic.
On a better note, I used my first ever Lush bath bomb last night - it was one of the Christmas ones, Cinders - and it was absolutely amazing! By the end of all the fizzing and the popping candy, I was pretty much just sitting in a bath of yellow which, while it sounds weird, was actually pretty fun. I also got to use Soak 'n' Float and Superbalm for my currently horrendously psoriasis-covered scalp. Unfortunately, I didn't wash it all out thoroughly enough so my hair just looked and felt all horrible and greasy this morning which warranted another shower and, I can safely say, after two uses, Soak 'n' Float, despite its godawful scent, is incredible and has already made a hell of a difference! I'm looking forward to just seeing more and more improvement as I use it more.
I got my first 'proper' bit of Cath Kidston clothing yesterday! My auntie bought me one of the new patterned dresses as part exchange for books that I had sold her. It's the gorgeous strawberry patterned one, I think I'm going to wear it tomorrow when I go to visit Charlotte. Today, as a part of an outfit to go with the dress, I bought myself a Cath Kidston cardigan in plain red. It's gorgeous. As well as a set of four hair grips and, since we collectively spent £30 or more twice before the 28th of February and got two stamps on the little card thing they have going at the moment, I got a free clasp purse worth £12. I chose the pale blue one with strawberries to match the dress.
As for work, I did over 30 hours last week whereas I'd usually only do 12 per week so I'm rather looking forward to getting paid next month. One of my shifts was 12 hours on its own whereas another one ended up being 11 when it should only have been 9. Once I was called in early, one was a normal shift and the other was pretty much forced overtime... By forced, I mean I said no, firmly, to my team leader to which he acted as if I'd said 'well I guess, but only four hours' and then put me in for 9am till 1pm on Sunday. It's because of this that I justified paying an obscene amount for a plain red woollen cardigan which I could totally make myself...
Anyway, because I was so distracted during the writing of this post, it has like no continuity whatsoever. Sorry about that. I shall maybe, maybe write some more tomorrow for you lovely lot but for now, I'm going to play on The Sims 3!
Saturday 26 January 2013
A Post From The Snowstorm and Happy Burns Night!
Well it's snowing outside - nothing new if you've been in the UK at all for the last fortnight - and it's forecast for about 10cm over the weekend. 10cm! That's like the middle of my shins! It's already ankle height - coming in over the tops of my shoes when I walk - it'll actually just swallow me whole if it gets that much deeper.
That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.
Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...
When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...
There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!
That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.
Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...
When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...
There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!
Wednesday 16 January 2013
The End Is Nigh... Look Busy!
So next week heralds the end of my CBT sessions. I'm almost looking forward to it - my Monday mornings can be my lazy day lie-in again for the first time in forever! It's not only that though, I'm excited to be able to really have a chance to do this on my own at last - to test myself and see if I'm ready to stand up without Sarah as my weekly safety net.
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!
On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.
For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!
On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.
For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!
Friday 4 January 2013
Ticking along
My latest doctor's appointment, which went pleasingly well, was the day before yesterday. It was just a routine check-up for my newest meds (the Diazopam from just before Christmas). It was nice to be able to say that everything's going fine and that the tablets aren't making me sick or worse than before.
I don't know how or why it's happened, or really even when it happened to be honest, but everything has calmed down. When I say everything, I mostly mean that I have calmed down - I'm not flighty or scared or nervous all the time, I'm relaxed and composed and secure for the first time in well over a year. Matt thought the sudden change in my mental state was his fault but I think this proves that, while I'll admit sometimes he really didn't help, it was never down to him. That it was all me, all in my head.
Drinking is getting easier too - since I've settled into the medication I've stopped having panic attacks after half a bottle of slowly sipped Rekorderlig. Everything is pretty much back to normal. I'm still hearing things and I still get times when I just feel overwhelmed by things or sad/hopeless/withdrawn but I think what I have to remember is that this kind of thing - long-term, severe depression etc - takes time to heal. I just have to be patient with myself, I can't force it and neither can anyone else.
My last two CBT sessions are this Monday and the one after. Sarah and I will be working on coping, consolidation and maintenance techniques. I'm not sure if I'll be getting any more CBT sessions. Or anything like that at all. I'm not too sure whether I'd want them either. It took a very long time for me to see any benefit from them but then again, having someone who truly understood from a medical/mental point of view to talk to every week really, really helped. The support I got from Stephen and Sarah helped more than anything I guess, as well as their knowledge, of course. I guess I do want to stop this depression at the root cause but I suppose since it's major trigger was nine years ago and it's also probably a lot to do with my genetics, I'm not sure if trying to 'cure' it once and for all would actually just make things worse...
I'll have to talk to Sarah about it next week.
Beyond all of that, the new year's been pretty great! I've not really done much but work and tidy although I did meet up with Charlotte yesterday. That was really good, we had a good catch up (well, I sat and gorged myself on cheesy pasta and garlic bread in Pizza Hut while she talked at me for three hours - don't get me wrong, mind, I had a really great day seeing her for a while) and we had a bit of a shop and a bitch and a moan about things too. She's still with that good for nothing but kindling, bastard boyfriend but ever since me, Matt and my mother scared the shit out of him on the 31st, he's been treating her better. I still wish she'd just get rid of him but that's not likely to happen anytime soon unfortunately...
Anyway, that'll have to do for now, I'm after something to eat before work. TTYL!
I don't know how or why it's happened, or really even when it happened to be honest, but everything has calmed down. When I say everything, I mostly mean that I have calmed down - I'm not flighty or scared or nervous all the time, I'm relaxed and composed and secure for the first time in well over a year. Matt thought the sudden change in my mental state was his fault but I think this proves that, while I'll admit sometimes he really didn't help, it was never down to him. That it was all me, all in my head.
Drinking is getting easier too - since I've settled into the medication I've stopped having panic attacks after half a bottle of slowly sipped Rekorderlig. Everything is pretty much back to normal. I'm still hearing things and I still get times when I just feel overwhelmed by things or sad/hopeless/withdrawn but I think what I have to remember is that this kind of thing - long-term, severe depression etc - takes time to heal. I just have to be patient with myself, I can't force it and neither can anyone else.
My last two CBT sessions are this Monday and the one after. Sarah and I will be working on coping, consolidation and maintenance techniques. I'm not sure if I'll be getting any more CBT sessions. Or anything like that at all. I'm not too sure whether I'd want them either. It took a very long time for me to see any benefit from them but then again, having someone who truly understood from a medical/mental point of view to talk to every week really, really helped. The support I got from Stephen and Sarah helped more than anything I guess, as well as their knowledge, of course. I guess I do want to stop this depression at the root cause but I suppose since it's major trigger was nine years ago and it's also probably a lot to do with my genetics, I'm not sure if trying to 'cure' it once and for all would actually just make things worse...
I'll have to talk to Sarah about it next week.
Beyond all of that, the new year's been pretty great! I've not really done much but work and tidy although I did meet up with Charlotte yesterday. That was really good, we had a good catch up (well, I sat and gorged myself on cheesy pasta and garlic bread in Pizza Hut while she talked at me for three hours - don't get me wrong, mind, I had a really great day seeing her for a while) and we had a bit of a shop and a bitch and a moan about things too. She's still with that good for nothing but kindling, bastard boyfriend but ever since me, Matt and my mother scared the shit out of him on the 31st, he's been treating her better. I still wish she'd just get rid of him but that's not likely to happen anytime soon unfortunately...
Anyway, that'll have to do for now, I'm after something to eat before work. TTYL!
Tuesday 1 January 2013
Happy One Year Anniversary!!
Happy new year too!
So today officially marks 366 days since Matt and I started going out. It's a fairly momentous day for both of us since it's my first 'proper' relationships as in, longer than a few days or a fortnight - that sort of thing - and it's his longest relationship generally. Saying that, he broke up with his last girlfriend a fortnight before their first year so I must admit, I've been a touch worried of late!
We spent last night with a load of mates, hosting a party to see in the new year. It was wild, everyone got wasted and generally had a great time. This morning, Matt woke up with one of the most amazing hangovers I've ever seen. I plied him with water and alka seltzer and hugs until he felt sort of better at which point I provided him with a couple of slices of toast while he was one the phone to his mate from down south and I ate real food (cheese, spinach and macaroni soup from Sainsbury's which took freaking ages to defrost and toast, for dipping) in the living room.
Post-food, we watched District 9 and now we're about to watch Inception while we wait for EPIC Domino's pizza to be delivered. We did have several actual plans but the hangover, lack of public transport and laziness put a stop to all of that!
Anyway, the film's starting now so I'll maybe write more later...
So today officially marks 366 days since Matt and I started going out. It's a fairly momentous day for both of us since it's my first 'proper' relationships as in, longer than a few days or a fortnight - that sort of thing - and it's his longest relationship generally. Saying that, he broke up with his last girlfriend a fortnight before their first year so I must admit, I've been a touch worried of late!
We spent last night with a load of mates, hosting a party to see in the new year. It was wild, everyone got wasted and generally had a great time. This morning, Matt woke up with one of the most amazing hangovers I've ever seen. I plied him with water and alka seltzer and hugs until he felt sort of better at which point I provided him with a couple of slices of toast while he was one the phone to his mate from down south and I ate real food (cheese, spinach and macaroni soup from Sainsbury's which took freaking ages to defrost and toast, for dipping) in the living room.
Post-food, we watched District 9 and now we're about to watch Inception while we wait for EPIC Domino's pizza to be delivered. We did have several actual plans but the hangover, lack of public transport and laziness put a stop to all of that!
Anyway, the film's starting now so I'll maybe write more later...
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