Coming Up Blank

Writing this shit is hard. Like the title says, I'm coming up blank on pretty much everything these days. I'm on holiday from work which is kinda nice but at the same time, I feel sort of purposeless. This is why I tend not to take holiday. I've only been off for seven days and it feels like a fucking eternity. I'm not even due back until Sunday either...

Time is taking like six times as long as it should. It's only January 13th but it feels like it should be like March or something. November feels like a year away when in actual fact, NaNoWriMo ended barely six weeks ago. I can't handle all this too well. 

I'm getting paranoid, dejected, lonely even though my boyfriend's right there with me. It's sort of ridiculous but at the same time, I haven't even got the energy to feel that bad about myself. I mean, obviously I do, that's most of what's getting me down after all, but at the same time I'm just so apathetic towards it. I feel dead inside. Like a zombie or something.

I know it can be the meds. Mirtazapine can do that to you. One of the people I know had this reaction and switched to Fluoxetine. Obviously I can't do that - having tried them and it going badly, I don't exactly want to do it again. I don't know what I need, really, I guess, or what I want. Apart from a hug and some attention. Unfortunately, everyone's out at the moment so that's going to have to wait until later.

As for progress, I've started doing the washing. I've got maybe three loads left to do. And all the kitchen's nearly clean and the dishes are all done apart from a bunch of glasses and the plate and mug I used this morning. I changed the bedding yesterday. Or maybe the day before. Either way, it's changed. It doesn't match this time like it did but I guess that doesn't really matter. My eating's not going so well and with all the festive disruption my gym going's kind of gone all to pot but I'll be going later today, and then before college tomorrow, with a rest day on Wednesday. I don't want to plan too far ahead, because I can find it too restricting and overwhelming, but at the same time I need some structure to actually make me get out of bed in the morning. I'm actually managing to do my currents project at college now too. There's the PPD 2 and the portfolio that we're doing at the moment. PPD is personal and professional development or something like that, and weirdly for once, it is actually exactly what you'd think. It's a portfolio of work that details my progression into photography and the world of photographers. Everything that I've learned about shoots and target setting and visiting class speakers and jobs in the industry that I've looked at. It all goes into the documents and then it counts for a decent portion of my grade at the end. The other project is the portfolio which is huge and important and it's to be used in our professional lives to get clients and frankly, that fucking terrifies me. What scares me more - I guess that should be 'scared' now - is the fact that it is supposed to be a professional grade portfolio which costs approximately £150 - £200.

I worried and worried about this, and the money that I had to pull out my arse for the London trip, until last Thursday. I turned up to college fairly convinced that I was supposed to have a lesson but apparently not. But I bumped into my lecturer, who I'll not be getting on there but more on that later, and sorted of freaked out all my stresses about there was no fucking way I can afford any of any of the things I 'need' this year. 

We agreed that I can submit my portfolio on my iPad - it's only going to have to be with my lecturer for one day in the summer. Hopefully it's not going to be when I'm at a festival! (More on that later too.)

As for the trip to London, I've got to talk to one of the girls on the full-time who's organising it all with the gallery. I still need to do that. I've been meaning to do it since November but I dunno. The thought of talking to a stranger about it, about the fact that I need yet more time to get £40 together, fucking terrifies me. I nearly lost my shit when I had to talk to my lecturer about it back in November! I feel like it'd be a wasted opportunity but then again, any sort of opportunity like that is never going to be a waste unless I really just submitted crappy work and frankly, I don't do crappy work. Especially not where music photography is concerned. 

I think I should just stop worrying about it or something. It's all going to turn out fine in the end. I just wish I didn't feel so shitty in the interim.

NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo

Now apparently, according to 20SB (twenty-something bloggers) NaBloPoMo is a thing. It stands for (I believe) National Blog Posting Month. Now I've heard that it's a thing that runs all year round, rather than just for one month a year, like NaNoWriMo.

When I was on WordPress, I posted every day for a year the first six months (ish) of 2011. I'm aiming to do that again but for just a month. Then maybe two months. Then maybe a year. We'll just see how it goes.
I left the WordPress blog for a few reasons. I wanted a fresh start. I wanted a bit of privacy (ironic, I know). I wanted to get rid of a follower troll. I hated the new layout. The list goes on...

I spent a few minutes going back over my WordPress blog when I wrote this post. While it was only two years ago, it feels like a lifetime. I am nothing like who I was in so many ways. I mean, I haven't changed a lot but, especially since starting the meds and getting therapy, I'm just different somehow. Sometimes it's fairly obvious but at others it's sort of intangible.
I guess it's a good thing. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got much of an identity, much of a personality, but I know that that's not really true.

What's a shame though, is everything that I've lost. The friends I've moved on from or the friends who've moved on from me. It's sad but I suppose it's just the way life is. People grow apart. Especially when they're living in different cities, doing different things, hanging out with different people. There's always more that can be done to stop it happening. I could call more, text more, message more. But so could they. I imagine they've been busy. But so have I. It's no one's fault, not really. But it's still sad.
I imagine, with a few of these cases, that everything could be fine if we could just hangout a few times. Unfortunately, that's unlikely to be a thing in the near future. That old lack of money and time to go down the country thing is rearing its head again.
It's time to stop living in the past. It's no good for anyone.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - J. K. Rowling.

Well that escalated quickly!
What I meant to post about was my progress with NaNoWriMo but I'm finding that my blogging topics are getting a little hard to control. Much as my novel is getting a little hard to control too...
Thus far, I've managed to keep up with most of the word count. I've fallen behind a little in the last couple of days however. My mind just hasn't been in it. I don't know why really. It's just difficult to focus. I guess it's the only thing I've really had to focus on since my gran died and I'm just struggling with it.
To be honest I'm just struggling generally. Life is fucking hard. It should come with a manual...
In lieu of a manual, I'm going to stick with this blog. And writing. A bit of escapism always helps.