I think the worst has passed...

After an appointment with the doctor this Tuesday past, we decided that I should stay on the Mirtazapine a while longer. He's now referring to my Day of Rage as a 'blip' and, in order to prevent future 'blips' I'm to stay on 15mg for another three weeks before we change the dose to a higher one.

I've had a few really bad days of suicidal feelings but I haven't actually acted on any. I may have taken more medication than advised once or twice but never actually enough to kill me. I've not self-harmed either which I'm quite proud of. A much as I've wanted to and as much as the compulsion's been there, I've not actually done it. I think taking up yoga has really helped. I'm not doing it everyday, even though I want to, but even three or four times a week is seeming to have a huge impact! 

Work can be really stressful sometimes - especially if I've had a stream of absolutely horrid customers... It just really gets me down and then I get caught in a downward spiral of self-loathing and panic and it can pretty much ruin my head. 

I've not been going out as much as I want to recently, I've mostly been too tired or I've slept in etc. They say that Mirtazapine is like the king of sleepyland because it sends people to sleep but now that I've been taking it a while I find that it makes me kind of tired for a couple of hours after taking it then I'm fine but once I've slept and my alarm goes off, I'm near impossible to wake. When I do wake up, I can fall asleep again but be convinced I'm awake! Cue missing lunch dates and whatnot...

I've got four medical appointments lined up over the next six weeks - three in June: with my old therapist, Sarah; with a consultant at dermatology outpatients' at the RVI to discuss light treatment and the last with my doctor to sort out my Mirtazapine dosage. The final one is in the first week of July and that's with my new therapist Judith - we had to rearrange because of the 

Mirtazapine sending me doolally...

On top of all of this, my mum went for a mammogram a week or two ago and they seem to have found something. She's going for further testing today. I'm not even going to lie - I'm pretty worried. Last month she was on really strong antibiotics for a nasty lymph node infection so that doesn't really seem to bode all that well...

She'll probably find out the results in a few days so I'll mention that when it happens. A for me, I'm going to go and get some breakfast before I go to work - three and a half hours. Most pointless shift ever...

Two weeks on.

I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to die in the last fortnight. Half the time I didn't actually want to kill myself, I just wanted to die. Whether it was to curl up and pass away or be hit by a bus or something, anything, as long as it ended my life. My self-preservation instinct is gone. I don't care about anything. I'm either numb, depressed or so filled with rage it's terrifying.

Sometimes I'm fine though, like now. Six hours ago I was a shaking sobbing wreck. I barely had the strength to grip a pen and I just wanted to die. I'd been feeling violent towards myself all day but by 8pm I just wanted to drop dead. Violently, peacefully, whatever as long as it involved me not living. 

Then everyone came home. That helped me through it and hearing about the misfortune of a friend of ours tapped my maternal side which pulled me round as I went to cheer him up a bit - utilising Lush bath bombs, Savannah Dry Cider and fancy teas from Whittard of Chelsea.

The only reason I haven't self-harmed again is because I've managed to guilt myself out of it each time since I promised I'd stop hurting myself. I have, on occasion taken more than the recommended dose of my tablets but not so many as to overdose. Just enough to take the edge of more than usual. Singularly, none of my tablets are normally fatal in overdoses but together I'm not so sure. I'm careful. And I only do it when I really need to - when I feel as though I'd do something worse to myself otherwise. 

Tomorrow I'm going to ask if there's anything they can do to dull the whole rage side-effect thing and if they can up my Mirtazapine dose. I'm not sure what my psychologist appointment is going to involve so I'll write about that tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it but hopefully it'll help me out in the long run.