As Good As It Was...

Sincerest apologies for being pretty absent recently. I've had a lot on, sort of.
By that, I mean I've not actually had a lot going on but it's felt like a ridiculous amount of stuff due to my epic lack of mental oomph these days. Right this moment I'm actually getting hassle from the webzine I volunteer for. They're saying I didn't send them the right pictures even though I did - it's not my fault if where the venue allow me to stand has a shitty viewpoint... Plus, if they'd done their job right in the first place I'd have been able to do the entire job rather than just do damage control from that failure of a day...
Other than that, I've had a disciplinary hearing at work for being off so much and they really grilled me about every little detail. They didn't quite want to hear the gruesome bits so much though. And the note-taker managed to make me sound like a moron. Instead of actually writing what I said he paraphrased it resulting in me sounding incredibly simple. I've applied for a temp job at Lush in Eldon Square in town over the winter so hopefully I'll get that and they'll keep me on. That way I'll be able to get out of my current job for good. I don't even care if I have to work twice as much - it's something I really want to do and will doubtless have fun doing. I found out the other week that I'd been shortlisted for an interview so I'm pretty psyched about that!
My ability to do housework guttered out about the same time the will to anything that wasn't watching mindless American TV did. It took me a little while to notice - we'd ran out of forks and underwear before I actually did anything about it. Most of my free time has been spent getting really fucking blitzed.

The meds have plateaued again. I think all the stress has just shut down my serotonin and ramped up the cortisol and I'm really not doing very well. When I rang the doctors' yesterday to get an appointment, and a prescription, I was told there was no pre-bookable appointments available until some time in September. As a result, I'm just going to have to turn up one morning and hope for the best! They always have on-the-day appointments for emergencies. I guess I just wish that exceptions could be made. I suppose then everyone would want to be the exception though...
I want some time off work - I feel like I need to just pull back and regroup. Just to sort myself out before I jump back into work. I've got a new therapist now - she's a psychologist rather than a CBT therapist. She seems lovely. I just think that the whole therapy thing is going to get worse before it gets better and I'm honestly not sure if I can do work as well. I can barely talk to customers right now as it is! If it gets any worse I'm worried that I'll say something to someone that'll land me in so much shit that I'll just get fired.
I'm also scared to take time off because then I'll probably end up in another disciplinary hearing and, even though they're all related illnesses, I'm concerned that I'll be treated more severely since it'll be my fourth absence and my second time in a hearing.
Plus there's the whole holiday mix up from last weekend as well. I was convinced I was on holiday because it was my cousin's wedding. But apparently there's no evidence of me ever requesting that day off so, when I wasn't there, it went down as an unauthorised absence. Since I effectively didn't show up for my shift.
I'm feeling so hopeless right now that part of me just wishes they would fire my ass... I hate feeling like that - I worked damn hard for 14 months to get that job and I'm fucking good at it!

Because my willpower's taken a hit, so has the CBT exercises, pole-dancing, yoga and the diet. I think the diet was pretty doomed early on to be honest but, at the same time, I've still been eating really healthily since that's the only kind of food I've been buying. I rarely leave the house for anything other than work and the hospital. Even then I go grudgingly.
With the hospital I end up so drained that I can barely walk afterwards which, when coupled with the exhaustion I get from the Mirtazapine, is pretty dire. On my first light treatment session they burned me quite badly - no blisters or anything, just a nasty sunburn for a couple of days. The psoriasis is clearing up really nicely though so that's refreshing! I still have to use the Eumovate and the coal tar and salicylic acid coconut oil stuff every week. I don't actually use it (I know, I know) it's the whole willpower thing again. Frankly it's awful to use. It smells bad. It looks bad. It feels bad. But it's bloody good stuff...

I think this will do for now. I have more photos to edit and they're not going to darken themselves. Fortunately Matt has a friend coming round tonight so I'll have the evening to myself to do the editing - even though I promised I'd play Magic with them. Honestly, the editing shouldn't take long.


So I shall leave you with this, one of my current favourite songs: the beautiful and vibrant, Veela.

NEWSFLASH: I'm Feeling Happy For The First Time In A Long Time.

Like legit happy, not "I've had so many tablets today you could shoot me and I'd hug you" happy but actually happy. Like lighter and not held down by this giant depressive black cloud. Not on a tightrope above that abyss. Not so alone that all the people in the world couldn't make me feel wanted.

It's beautiful.
It's humbling.
I think most of all, it's terrifying, because it's come out of nowhere but there is no way in hell that I'm taking it for granted.

I think I know it's down to the Mirtazapine but I'm happy that I've finally found a medication that it making me better rather than not having an effect or making me worse. I like that it's pretty much almost stopped with the auditory hallucinations too - they were annoying although they weren't as bad as the mind-fuckery I've had with everything else!
My urge to eat everything has calmed down for the most part too which is really nice given that I was starting to get proper fat... I'm trying not to weigh myself these days so much because it's too much of a risk with my mood. If I lose weight, I either get super happy and determined to carry on or I get complacent and 'treat' myself. If I gain weight, I usually get super down because I've been trying really fucking hard or I get depressed because I tell myself I haven't been trying enough and that I'm worthless and so on and so forth... Very occasionally, if that little number on the display goes up I can go easy on myself, saying that maybe I haven't been as good as I could have been but not to worry or I can remember that sometimes weight just does that depending on so many different things like water retention, digestion, 'time of the month' blah, blah, blah. Usually it's the former though. It can get pretty brutal...

In diet related news, I've officially started the Whole30 plan for this month (as of July 2nd). I've had a couple of slip-ups (I know, I know, it's only been four days, how can I possibly have slipped up already) but that's okay. I've had one totally perfect day so far and as for the slip-ups: one, I didn't even realise what I was eating had sugar in it and two of them were 'special occasions' (a meal with a friend today and lunch delivered by my mam yesterday when I was having a rather turbulent day).
Another plus, in my book anyway, when I have slipped up, I haven't scrapped the rest of the day. I've stuck to the plan and I've eaten well. I know it doesn't make it better but damage control is better than no control in my opinion.
One of my favourite things right now, on the Whole30 program is Nakd bars. They're compliant with the paleo diet and the Whole30 program, they're really filling, super tasty and really handy on the go so I'm not tempted to go off the clean eating. On that note, I've just found this which is amazing and is going to save me unprecedented amounts of money in the future - Nakd bars are also really quite expensive... I'm going to go and make some cherry and ginger bars when I get in from work tomorrow.

Right now, I'm sitting listening to Taylor Swift - nothing specific really, just the four albums (I think) - with my hair full of Marilyn and my skin covered in Dream Cream (well okay, I've got Tacrolimus on my face - more on that in a moment) and it's pretty nice. Matt's away at a festival and, while yesterday was a little weird, I think I'm enjoying the time to myself. I tidied a bit yesterday and my mum came over - she cleaned my bathroom while she was here - and I've got almost all of the washing done. Now I can just relax I guess.
Yesterday was probably so strange because it's the first time I've been here without Matt - I kept expecting him to come in from work or something! He texted this morning saying they were heading down to the festival and that he'd talk to me later but I told him not to worry about it. I don't want him thinking he has to text me while he's away - I want him to go and enjoy himself and do whatever people do at open air jazz festivals. He's due back on either Monday or Tuesday since he doesn't have his return journey sorted yet (if that was me, I'd be going mad with worry thinking that I'd get stuck in London forever or something equally insane). I think my only complaint is that time seems to be going really, really slowly! I can't believe that he only left yesterday and that it's still Friday! I mean what the hell is up with that? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but since it's current events and I'm not catatonic in anyway and I'm coping very well, I thought it was worth a mention... (I did expect to be absolutely fine - I think Matt was just worried that I'd have worked myself up into such a state worry and panic and misery that I'd off myself or something... I'll have you know I cope fine on my own, it's adding other people to the equation that causes problems!)
As for Marilyn and Dream Cream - if you don't already know - they're Lush products. Dream Cream is my favourite moisturiser and Marilyn is a hair moisturiser and lightener filled with camomile and lemon juice that stops brassy tones building up. I've not used it before (bought it earlier today) and I'm looking forward to seeing how good it is! I was planning on having a Lush bath bomb bath once I finished this post but as it's already after 11pm I'm really not going to have time. I might have to leave this in over night... I've just noticed how gorgeous and lemony my hair smells! So nice! Here's hoping it's a little lighter too by the morning. I think I might put Superbalm on my scalp tonight, instead of the scalic acid/coal tar/coconut oil compound stuff that the hospital gave me. I know the hospital one works but it smells awful and doesn't half linger... I also think that the scalp psoriasis I had is mostly gone now (due to the hospital ointment). It worked really quickly and really well which was pretty incredible - it's never really happened like that before. The tacrolimus is shockingly good too. Cleared my face and ears in a matter of days. Burned to hell for the first week but it was a pretty amazing transformation! I've got to stop using it on Monday though because my light treatment starts soon and it makes my skin more sensitive to sunlight and thus more prone to burning horribly with the light treatment.
In all honesty, they're yet to NOT burn me at the hospital with the broadband UVB anyway! I'd rather not risk them doing it worse than the two previous occasions though - they were more than bad enough. The first time was 3rd degree burns down my upper arms and the second were the same degree but blistered across my nose and cheek bones. Both very painful and very icky to say the least.

I had my assessment with Newcastle Psychological Services on Monday just gone. It went pretty well but there's a three to four month waiting list unfortunately. I said that I wasn't fussy on which psychologist I saw, I just wanted to be seen sooner rather than later to get all of the nasty stuff over with.
By nasty stuff I just mean the whole part where it gets worse before it gets better. It's already been a year and I have come one hell of a long way since then. I still just want to be better now.
With the assessment, I was discharged from Newcastle Talking Therapies and, like last time, I am able to go back to the service any time I feel that I need to. Hopefully I won't need to but it's nice to always have the option for it if I need it rather than be totally on my own. The psychologist I saw recommended a few different things for me in the waiting time between now and getting my psychologist: reading material "A Mindful Way Through Depression" and group therapy with Tyneside Women's Health. I think I'm going to give the mindfulness thing a shot before the group therapy. I dunno why I'm so apprehensive about it. I guess I'm just scared of being judged or, worse, scared of being too judgmental of others. I terrible with stuff like that - especially when it's other women whom I don't know. If I know them first then I'm totally fine but if it's a stranger going on about their problem it's 50/50 whether my internal reaction will be sympathetic or whether it'll be bitter and malicious. It's horrible, I feel like I can't control it! The level of contempt I have for some other people really gets to me sometimes because I don't know why I have such strong feelings about them.
I guess, just like everything else, it's something I'm going to have to work through and unravel slowly...

Well, I'm getting pretty sleepy now so I'm going to wrap my hair up, take my meds and get myself to bed! Night folks, I hope this makes up for the lack of recent posting and I promise I'll post again over the weekend about Camp NaNoWriMo and applying to be an ML for Newcastle/Durham. Byee xoxo

Anti-depressants: The Bane of the Fat Girl

Yeah, the worst really hadn't passed when I last posted. It's all been pretty grim. Instead of cutting I turned to scratching and picking and biting: the therapist's whole "draw where you'd cut" thing didn't work for very long at all - ten minutes tops. My CBT sessions have restarted to stop me flipping out too much before I go to NPS next month and, as of this morning, I'm not due back at the doctors until I feel like something's going wrong. 

It's a little bit scary to not have my next appointment mapped out - it's been so long! - it should be alright though. 

I'm a bit worried about going up to 30mg Mirtazapine too but, again, it should be alright. I'm still getting the anxiety episodes and the days of epic rage but they aren't as bad anymore really. As for my low mood and the like, well, it's pretty nasty - hence the upping of the dose. 

I think that my longest ongoing health issue, alongside the depression, is my complete inability to lose weight and stay at whatever lower weight for any period of time at all. I had, in fact, started losing weight a month or two ago through calorie controlling and exercise but then I started taking Mirtazapine which makes you eat like a mofo... I mentioned this to my doctor, having gained nearly six kilos in a month, and he just looked at me apologetically and said "Unfortunately there's nothing I can do. It's just a side-effect of most anti-depressants. It's just a matter of finding ways to combat the weight gain..."

So aside from being generally fat (also, all the women in my family are overweight which can only exacerbate things really >_<) the meds make me bloated and sluggish. When I do exercise it makes me happy for about ten minutes afterwards then I just feel shit again. Regardless of how long I exercise or how intensely I do it. My psoriasis is getting so bad my skin's swelling up and chafing like crazy. To combat that, I'm starting light treatment in the next week or so too so that's going to pull the psoriasis back but probably also give me sunburn and/or 3rd degree burn blisters on my face/arms/stomach - you name it... Another side-effect of the Mirtazapine that I'm experiencing is 'strange sensations in the skin' which basically means either pins and needles, numbness or itching in one or more parts of my body. Usually my face/mouth (weirdest thing ever) or legs/forearms. Nothing really helps that apart from willpower. 

I've had a couple of run ins with HR at work because of my uniform (I wear a knee-length black skirt that happens to not be made by their supplier). They then gave me a pair of trousers to wear. Four hours later my legs were so swollen and painful, I could barely walk. I haven't been able to go pole dancing because of the state of my thighs and, needless to say, I have gone back to wearing my skirt. If they'd ordered me one four month ago like I'd asked, we wouldn't be having this problem...

All in all, life hasn't really changed here. I'm still fat and depressed and living in a crappy, messy flat with my other half and our flatmate, who isn't really speaking to either of us for some reason. I have started doing yoga properly though, I'm trying to do at least 20 minutes 3 times a week. I managed 30 minutes after work the day before yesterday, hoping to do an hour today once I've finished this. I do feel like it's really helping, I'm a lot calmer than I was and feel pretty peaceful. I've only done like five sessions though so I'm thinking that I'm not yet reaping the full benefits. 

I'm going to make a pretty drastic diet change (again) come Monday - I'm going paleo-vegetarian for 30 days to cleanse and detox my body. I'm doing it via Whole9 and it's reported to help improve the condition of people suffering from various medical things such as depression, anxiety, psoriasis, arthritis, lupus, Crohn's etc. In my opinion, I can't really get much worse than I have been these last few years so I've got bugger all to lose! 

Coming up this week (I'm trying to plan my blogs more so I actually do them), we've got a closer look at how I'm going to go paleo, my bucket list and why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed! See you later!

*links to come*

I think the worst has passed...

After an appointment with the doctor this Tuesday past, we decided that I should stay on the Mirtazapine a while longer. He's now referring to my Day of Rage as a 'blip' and, in order to prevent future 'blips' I'm to stay on 15mg for another three weeks before we change the dose to a higher one.

I've had a few really bad days of suicidal feelings but I haven't actually acted on any. I may have taken more medication than advised once or twice but never actually enough to kill me. I've not self-harmed either which I'm quite proud of. A much as I've wanted to and as much as the compulsion's been there, I've not actually done it. I think taking up yoga has really helped. I'm not doing it everyday, even though I want to, but even three or four times a week is seeming to have a huge impact! 

Work can be really stressful sometimes - especially if I've had a stream of absolutely horrid customers... It just really gets me down and then I get caught in a downward spiral of self-loathing and panic and it can pretty much ruin my head. 

I've not been going out as much as I want to recently, I've mostly been too tired or I've slept in etc. They say that Mirtazapine is like the king of sleepyland because it sends people to sleep but now that I've been taking it a while I find that it makes me kind of tired for a couple of hours after taking it then I'm fine but once I've slept and my alarm goes off, I'm near impossible to wake. When I do wake up, I can fall asleep again but be convinced I'm awake! Cue missing lunch dates and whatnot...

I've got four medical appointments lined up over the next six weeks - three in June: with my old therapist, Sarah; with a consultant at dermatology outpatients' at the RVI to discuss light treatment and the last with my doctor to sort out my Mirtazapine dosage. The final one is in the first week of July and that's with my new therapist Judith - we had to rearrange because of the 

Mirtazapine sending me doolally...

On top of all of this, my mum went for a mammogram a week or two ago and they seem to have found something. She's going for further testing today. I'm not even going to lie - I'm pretty worried. Last month she was on really strong antibiotics for a nasty lymph node infection so that doesn't really seem to bode all that well...

She'll probably find out the results in a few days so I'll mention that when it happens. A for me, I'm going to go and get some breakfast before I go to work - three and a half hours. Most pointless shift ever...

Eight Days Of Fluoxetine, Three Days Of Herbalife.

As you can probably tell, today is my eighth day of taking Fluoxetine instead of Citalopram. The withdrawal symptoms from taking reduced doses of Citalopram were pretty intense. After getting over the viral infection, I still had to take the Penicillin VK until yesterday morning (horrifying tasting stuff that is...) but I was all better and things so all I had to deal with were the bizarre withdrawal symptoms of the Citalopram and the new side effects of the Fluoxetine.
Now, before I started taking it (the Fluoxetine) I'd managed to pretty much terrify myself by reading various accounts of what people had gone through for the first six weeks of taking the new medication. As far as I could tell, most people were taking it for anxiety rather than depression however, and they hadn't previously been taking an SSRI (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor such as Citalopram). Contrary to everything that I read, my first week has gone really smoothly. Even the doctor thought I'd have a hard time adjusting to the new medication but strangely, I've been alright. To be honest, on my first day of Fluoxetine, I did have a breakdown in the bathrooms at work. I think it managed to terrify everyone - they keep asking me how I am and how I'm adjusting to tills and if I'm okay. I just keep telling them that I'm feeling a lot better and that working on checkouts is better for me than the fresh department. Which it is - fresh was lonely and I had far too much time to dwell on things whereas with checkouts I can't do that.
After I got over the virus and the Citalopram withdrawal, I've not really felt anything - I don't feel worse, apart from the occasional bad spat of anxiety, but I don't feel all that better either. I'm forgetting things, spacing out, getting confused easily. I don't really feel happier or anything like that so I'm suspecting that, on Thursday, when I go back to the doctors, he'll increase my dose.

Aside from the new medication, I've also started drinking the Herbalife meal replacement shakes. They're really nice and I think I'm already noticing a difference in my eating after just three days! I'm having two shakes, two teas, two snacks and one nutritious meal per day. It feels kind of like Slimfast but I feel nowhere near as bloated and sluggish as I did after their meal replacements. It's obviously forcing me to eat a lot healthier too - even though I have approximately zero money.
Last night, my main meal was noodle salad with a whole egg. The salad part comprised of half a green pepper, half an onion, half a tiny turnip, a third of a cup of broccoli, half a cup of cos lettuce and some dried chilli salt, half a vegetable OXO cube and pepper for seasoning. It was gorgeous! Less than 300kcals too! (Notice how I've put in my MyFitnessPal page for you! My screen name's Sarah2808 should any of you wish to follow me.)

I'm hoping, once I've been paid on Friday, to get to pole dancing at least twice a week and I'm going to start walking to and from work as of tomorrow and maybe even to and from town when I'm at college and things - saves a hell of a lot of money! Also, now that I've got the spare room under control, I'm wanting to get a little space heater and use it as a yoga/pole dancing room as well. That way, not only will I - hopefully - be losing weight through Herbalife, but I'll be getting leaner and more toned through exercise too.

Well, that said, I'm off to make my morning shake (yes, I realise it's past 2pm but that's beside the point...) 

TTFN!

The End Is Nigh... Look Busy!

So next week heralds the end of my CBT sessions. I'm almost looking forward to it - my Monday mornings can be my lazy day lie-in again for the first time in forever! It's not only that though, I'm excited to be able to really have a chance to do this on my own at last - to test myself and see if I'm ready to stand up without Sarah as my weekly safety net.
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!

On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.

For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!