Phobias

So, since a related event has just occurred, I thought now be an appropriate time to write about some of the things that I have fears of. My list goes thus (mostly in order):

1. Spiders - this is the big one. The only spiders I can usually 'tolerate' are the tiny, tiny, tiny ones. 
2. Centipedes/Millipedes and maggots
3. Most things that have more than four legs (why on earth would anything need more that four legs?)
4. Sharks
5. Imagined 'things' (note: this is usually when I have had a bad meds day or some such)
6. Imagined 'things' in the dark (see note above)
7. Making people angry
8. Deep water (including points 3 and 4)
9. Going crazy
10. Heights

In one fell swoop when I was putting dishes away about twenty minutes ago, I encountered fears 1 and 3. A spider eating, as in actually on top of, a wrapped up hide beetle. Now I have a thing about hide beetles because, they themselves look kinda like woodlice. Their young look like woolly maggots crossed with centipedes. In the last flat I lived in, we had a horrendous infestation of hide beetles. This infestation created the fear.

After I opened the cupboard door and saw this spider - at first I just thought it was a bit of rubbish or something - I sat there transfixed as it moved off the hide beetle then proceeded to run along the sides and back of the cupboard behind the other dishes and away into the dark. I was shaken but ok. Then everything started to itch. Now I'm afraid to pick anything up or move anything in case there's a spider underneath it. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I want to get a drink but I can't because I'm afraid to leave the room.

Now, I was due some propranolol anyway and I didn't take it before work this morning so (I know, I'm not supposed to but) I doubled my midday dose. It's taken the edge off and I've stopped shaking but it hasn't really done anything else. To be honest, when I started taking the propranolol, it made my phobias and such like worse even though it made my anxiety better.

Spiders and other creepy crawlies play the biggest part in my visual hallucinations. I see them coming out of the walls and the ceiling and crawling towards me along the floor. It's not too great. It makes me jumpy. I've mentioned this to my doctor and he at first asked me if I drank a lot because that sort of hallucination can be alcohol related. I've since found out that seeing spiders and whatnot crawling out of walls was something my great grandma saw too. Now I don't drink a lot or very often and I'm fairly certain that she was t-total so I'm not convinced it's alcohol related. As for any other reasons, I'm mildly concerned that I'm going round the bend.

I'll be sure to keep you posted...

In other news, the Herbalife thing is going fairly well. I'm not sure if I've actually lost any weight or inches because I forgot to do my measurements at the start but I'm reacting fairly badly to lots of carbs. For example, I had pizza the other night and was ill all night and the next day... I am enjoying it though so that's something at least :)

Anyway, i'm going to get back to writing my college essay - I'm fairly certain I failed the module already so I'm not sure why I'm even bothering but I just can't leave it unhanded in...