TGIO!

Across the world, writers - both professional and amateur alike - are celebrating the end of another NaNoWriMo. It's been a helluva month for everyone involved as always and as a first time Municipal Liaison, it's been particularly stressful for me! While I'm sure that MLs across the world will say that too,  I wanted to share some of my triumphs and hardships on here as a means of reflecting on my MLness so I can improve for next year.

1. I was way under prepared. 

I really had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. My region hadn't had an ML for a few years for one reason or another and the Wrimos had gotten used to that, I think. Yes there were a lot of first timers but at the same time, they had about as much clue as to what they were doing as I did! They did do exceptionally well though, and they were really understanding when I was in a flap.

To combat this, I'll do the following things:

Next year, I'll make sure I've got all my resources sorted well before NaNo actually starts. I'll not rely on the shoddy library printer either - I've been meaning to buy my own so I'll be using that.

I'll book rooms ahead of time in pubs, cafés, bars etc so that we always have somewhere to go. I tried that this year but my group size was just too unreliable.

2. I got stressed and hopeless when my Wrimos didn't show up for meet-ups.

This triggered my depression and I really struggled for a couple of weeks during November. I pretty much just stopped writing because I just didn't see why it mattered. Of course when I actually finished, after clawing it back for a few days, it was amazing. Loads of my Wrimos finished ahead of time so that was lovely too.

I realise that next year, I'll just have to take the numbers as they come. I know now not to expect a huge turn out or even a reliable one. I know that people will say by text that they'll do something or they'll help out but then, a lot of the time, they actually don't when it comes down to it. It's a shame but that's just people I guess!

3. I didn't look after myself enough.

I spent that much time worrying and staying up until ungodly hours that I didn't get enough sleep at all. And, on top of that, because I was staying up so late, I kept forgetting to take my medication. On top of the new hormones from getting the coil out and the implant in, by the end of the month, I was a paranoid, stressed, emotional wreck. I was even hallucinating yesterday and the day before!

Next year, I'll endeavour to (at the very least) take my medication on time. I'll try to keep my bed time as regular as possible too.

4. I could have scheduled more Wrimo time.

I only sent one email a week and I wasn't really that omnipresent on the forums either. To be honest though, my Wrimos felt that the OLL sent out too many emails so in a way I was  glad that I wasn't part of that problem.

I did however, post my mobile number, email and twitter addresses so that my Wrimos could get in touch at any time. If they didn't utilise that then, frankly, that isn't my fault.

5. My college work took a back seat, to my detriment.

Although I didn't fail my module, by any stretch, I didn't do as well as I could have either. I could have planned my photoshoot in advance and researched more, I could have done the shoot on time and not handed everything in late.

All of these things I could have avoided and gotten a better grade. Never mind though, I suppose, it's passed now so there's nothing I can do but do better at the next module.

All in all, I still feel that it was a success. I crossed that 50,000 word finish line with a few hours to spare and a whole bunch of my Wrimos were successful too. My meet-ups were attended, even if numbers were low, and people had fun and made friends too. Obviously, I want to do it all again next year and, hopefully, I'll have less work on at college then too.

Non-NaNoWriMo Related News

As much as I'd like to write about the many things that have happened since my last proper update post, I can't. Nothing much really has happened. I've had a few NaNo meets and the washing machine broke. Plus there was a flat inspection and then the hoover broke too. Other than that very little has gone on.

College is still going fine, I'm still in my third year, still doing photography, still loving it. The only thing that's changed there is that I'm now fairly determined to do the top-up year in order to make my FdA a full BA in Photography once I've finished this summer. After my Gran died, I did a lot of thinking about it and, especially since Matt's going to be at college an extra year now, I think it's for the best. I'll get a more credible, more widely recognised and understood qualification plus more funding in that year. It may mean adjusting my work hours but hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. It'll also give me the means to set up my own business which is what I want to do in the long term after all!

Other news - exciting news, that is - concerns me going back to karate as a favourite thing and maybe, possibly opening my own club up in the spring this year. Hopefully between myself and the three/four others I'll be working with, we'll have our own permanent, 24 hour venue in which to run fitness classes, flexibility training, karate classes, kick-boxing, tae kwon do and sports massage sessions. I also want to start teaching yoga but at the moment I'm no where near good enough for that! We're going down to Birmingham in January to start our formal instructor training with a gentleman from Verve. I'm pretty excited (and simultaneously terrified).
In the same vein, I finally got approved for joining a gym by the doctor when I visited this morning. What one guy was going to charge me £20 for (and not actually give me a medical exam) I got for free from the doctor that sorts my medication. He's not my GP but at the moment he's as good as - he sorts my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets as my GP was on maternity leave at the time and I'd rather not have too many people adjusting my medication here and there as they see fit! As soon as I got the note saying that I was deemed well enough to join the gym, I dropped it off at the gym in question and booked by induction for Friday afternoon. I'm super excited for it, if I'm honest, and a little bit nervous but to be honest, that's usually the best combination.
Now that I've got that sorted, I'm going to start eating paleo (again) and stick to it through doing 80:20. In short, I'll eat paleo 80% of the time but allow myself one day (or just a few meals) that aren't paleo compliant in order to not restrict myself so much that I can't stick to the way of eating. I really want to cut back on my gluten consumption too - after reading into what gluten can actually do to your digestive system and about how people who are sensitive don't often know it, I think it'd just be safer not to eat it. After all, it could be a contributor to my psoriasis and god knows I'll do anything to get rid of that!
I'm still doing fairly well after the light treatment ended. I've got a few patches on my face that have come back but I know that if I moisturise they'll calm down and, failing that, I've still got some Eumovate and Tacrolimus ointments. It's my scalp that's doing the worst at the moment but that's due to me not using the Sebco ointment and wearing my hair up or in hats because of work and the cold... Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother keeping on top of all my creams and things because I feel so awful about myself anyway. Then I remember that I always feel better when my skin and hair look better - I worry less about my appearance and am generally happier. Plus I'm more willing to do other things to look after myself such as my CBT activities, exercise and healthy eating.
Another reason that I was at the doctors today is that I found a lump in my breast and Matt insisted that I got it checked out. My mum had a breast cancer scare earlier this year so it'd be a lie to say that I wasn't worried about it but, fortunately, the doctor thinks that it's unlikely to be anything serious and is likely just a cyst that may need drained (which is pretty disgusting but certainly not cancer so yay!) Even so, he's sending me off to the special under-30s breast clinic in the next couple of weeks to get an ultrasound just in case and for them to treat it in whatever way they see fit.

That's everything that I can think of for now but I shall be sure to update if anything else comes up!

As Good As It Was...

Sincerest apologies for being pretty absent recently. I've had a lot on, sort of.
By that, I mean I've not actually had a lot going on but it's felt like a ridiculous amount of stuff due to my epic lack of mental oomph these days. Right this moment I'm actually getting hassle from the webzine I volunteer for. They're saying I didn't send them the right pictures even though I did - it's not my fault if where the venue allow me to stand has a shitty viewpoint... Plus, if they'd done their job right in the first place I'd have been able to do the entire job rather than just do damage control from that failure of a day...
Other than that, I've had a disciplinary hearing at work for being off so much and they really grilled me about every little detail. They didn't quite want to hear the gruesome bits so much though. And the note-taker managed to make me sound like a moron. Instead of actually writing what I said he paraphrased it resulting in me sounding incredibly simple. I've applied for a temp job at Lush in Eldon Square in town over the winter so hopefully I'll get that and they'll keep me on. That way I'll be able to get out of my current job for good. I don't even care if I have to work twice as much - it's something I really want to do and will doubtless have fun doing. I found out the other week that I'd been shortlisted for an interview so I'm pretty psyched about that!
My ability to do housework guttered out about the same time the will to anything that wasn't watching mindless American TV did. It took me a little while to notice - we'd ran out of forks and underwear before I actually did anything about it. Most of my free time has been spent getting really fucking blitzed.

The meds have plateaued again. I think all the stress has just shut down my serotonin and ramped up the cortisol and I'm really not doing very well. When I rang the doctors' yesterday to get an appointment, and a prescription, I was told there was no pre-bookable appointments available until some time in September. As a result, I'm just going to have to turn up one morning and hope for the best! They always have on-the-day appointments for emergencies. I guess I just wish that exceptions could be made. I suppose then everyone would want to be the exception though...
I want some time off work - I feel like I need to just pull back and regroup. Just to sort myself out before I jump back into work. I've got a new therapist now - she's a psychologist rather than a CBT therapist. She seems lovely. I just think that the whole therapy thing is going to get worse before it gets better and I'm honestly not sure if I can do work as well. I can barely talk to customers right now as it is! If it gets any worse I'm worried that I'll say something to someone that'll land me in so much shit that I'll just get fired.
I'm also scared to take time off because then I'll probably end up in another disciplinary hearing and, even though they're all related illnesses, I'm concerned that I'll be treated more severely since it'll be my fourth absence and my second time in a hearing.
Plus there's the whole holiday mix up from last weekend as well. I was convinced I was on holiday because it was my cousin's wedding. But apparently there's no evidence of me ever requesting that day off so, when I wasn't there, it went down as an unauthorised absence. Since I effectively didn't show up for my shift.
I'm feeling so hopeless right now that part of me just wishes they would fire my ass... I hate feeling like that - I worked damn hard for 14 months to get that job and I'm fucking good at it!

Because my willpower's taken a hit, so has the CBT exercises, pole-dancing, yoga and the diet. I think the diet was pretty doomed early on to be honest but, at the same time, I've still been eating really healthily since that's the only kind of food I've been buying. I rarely leave the house for anything other than work and the hospital. Even then I go grudgingly.
With the hospital I end up so drained that I can barely walk afterwards which, when coupled with the exhaustion I get from the Mirtazapine, is pretty dire. On my first light treatment session they burned me quite badly - no blisters or anything, just a nasty sunburn for a couple of days. The psoriasis is clearing up really nicely though so that's refreshing! I still have to use the Eumovate and the coal tar and salicylic acid coconut oil stuff every week. I don't actually use it (I know, I know) it's the whole willpower thing again. Frankly it's awful to use. It smells bad. It looks bad. It feels bad. But it's bloody good stuff...

I think this will do for now. I have more photos to edit and they're not going to darken themselves. Fortunately Matt has a friend coming round tonight so I'll have the evening to myself to do the editing - even though I promised I'd play Magic with them. Honestly, the editing shouldn't take long.


So I shall leave you with this, one of my current favourite songs: the beautiful and vibrant, Veela.

Anti-depressants: The Bane of the Fat Girl

Yeah, the worst really hadn't passed when I last posted. It's all been pretty grim. Instead of cutting I turned to scratching and picking and biting: the therapist's whole "draw where you'd cut" thing didn't work for very long at all - ten minutes tops. My CBT sessions have restarted to stop me flipping out too much before I go to NPS next month and, as of this morning, I'm not due back at the doctors until I feel like something's going wrong. 

It's a little bit scary to not have my next appointment mapped out - it's been so long! - it should be alright though. 

I'm a bit worried about going up to 30mg Mirtazapine too but, again, it should be alright. I'm still getting the anxiety episodes and the days of epic rage but they aren't as bad anymore really. As for my low mood and the like, well, it's pretty nasty - hence the upping of the dose. 

I think that my longest ongoing health issue, alongside the depression, is my complete inability to lose weight and stay at whatever lower weight for any period of time at all. I had, in fact, started losing weight a month or two ago through calorie controlling and exercise but then I started taking Mirtazapine which makes you eat like a mofo... I mentioned this to my doctor, having gained nearly six kilos in a month, and he just looked at me apologetically and said "Unfortunately there's nothing I can do. It's just a side-effect of most anti-depressants. It's just a matter of finding ways to combat the weight gain..."

So aside from being generally fat (also, all the women in my family are overweight which can only exacerbate things really >_<) the meds make me bloated and sluggish. When I do exercise it makes me happy for about ten minutes afterwards then I just feel shit again. Regardless of how long I exercise or how intensely I do it. My psoriasis is getting so bad my skin's swelling up and chafing like crazy. To combat that, I'm starting light treatment in the next week or so too so that's going to pull the psoriasis back but probably also give me sunburn and/or 3rd degree burn blisters on my face/arms/stomach - you name it... Another side-effect of the Mirtazapine that I'm experiencing is 'strange sensations in the skin' which basically means either pins and needles, numbness or itching in one or more parts of my body. Usually my face/mouth (weirdest thing ever) or legs/forearms. Nothing really helps that apart from willpower. 

I've had a couple of run ins with HR at work because of my uniform (I wear a knee-length black skirt that happens to not be made by their supplier). They then gave me a pair of trousers to wear. Four hours later my legs were so swollen and painful, I could barely walk. I haven't been able to go pole dancing because of the state of my thighs and, needless to say, I have gone back to wearing my skirt. If they'd ordered me one four month ago like I'd asked, we wouldn't be having this problem...

All in all, life hasn't really changed here. I'm still fat and depressed and living in a crappy, messy flat with my other half and our flatmate, who isn't really speaking to either of us for some reason. I have started doing yoga properly though, I'm trying to do at least 20 minutes 3 times a week. I managed 30 minutes after work the day before yesterday, hoping to do an hour today once I've finished this. I do feel like it's really helping, I'm a lot calmer than I was and feel pretty peaceful. I've only done like five sessions though so I'm thinking that I'm not yet reaping the full benefits. 

I'm going to make a pretty drastic diet change (again) come Monday - I'm going paleo-vegetarian for 30 days to cleanse and detox my body. I'm doing it via Whole9 and it's reported to help improve the condition of people suffering from various medical things such as depression, anxiety, psoriasis, arthritis, lupus, Crohn's etc. In my opinion, I can't really get much worse than I have been these last few years so I've got bugger all to lose! 

Coming up this week (I'm trying to plan my blogs more so I actually do them), we've got a closer look at how I'm going to go paleo, my bucket list and why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed! See you later!

*links to come*

Day 1 of Mirtazapine...

I took my first Mirtazapine last night with my Propranolol and Diazepam. I felt fine and I fell asleep almost straight away. I was still exhausted when I woke up like nine hours later!

I was irritable and oversensitive when I got up and when my partner snapped at me because I was making too much rustling noise (my business cards came and I got a little excited about opening them immediately) I became scared and upset because I automatically assumed that he was really pissed off at me. 

Naturally, he wasn't and once I calmed down, I was able to get ready and leave for work. Upon getting there, I came over feeling light-headed and weak. I was nauseous and so tired I could barely stand! Walking was a chore, I was disorientated and confused. I couldn't talk without really concentrating and even when I was sitting down I was clumsy and tired. I kept dropping things and pressing the wrong buttons. An hour and a half in I was feeling worse than ever so I called over one of my supervisors and they arranged for me to go home. I was supposed to go to the hospital on account of how ill I was feeling (light-headed, lethargic, tight chest, short of breath etc) so I called my step-dad, after calling Matt and my mam, to take me there. We got halfway through the one-way maze that is Newcastle's roads before he got so frustrated that he started ranting about how the situation was 'a fucking nightmare'. I was getting really nervous and feeling worse than ever (since it was a fairly hot day and he had the heat blasting 'to cool the engine down') so I offered to just get out and make my own way there. He agreed that would be best and I left. I decided then to screw the hospital and just come home.

I've been home a few hours now and I feel a bit better. I've managed to have lunch and then had a cheese sandwich a few hours ago and I'm trying to keep hydrated but all in all I'm still feeling pretty naff...

I'm just making a watermark for my images at the moment while watching Archer. I'm about to upload a bunch more photography to my photoblog to keep it up to date. Adding the watermark will hopefully stop any theft from happening instantly...

Yesterday I actually managed to do a backwards roll out of an aerial yoga hammock - I was incredibly proud of myself. The session itself was pretty hard, really relaxing though. I spent the two hours prior to that in rent-a-pole/flex spinning and stretching and flipping myself into flexy oblivion. I managed to get into a 'crab' position from my knees but unfortunately not from my feet - give me time and I'll do it though. I'm aching like hell now though. Can't wait until Monday for my next pole class! If I'm up to it by then that is...

New Addition to the 'Sarah's Medication' Family.

As of tomorrow, I'll be replacing my current Fluoxetine tablets with a daily 15mg of Mirtazapine, a noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressant. It's also occasionally given to underweight cats to stimulate their appetite...

As side effects for anti-depressants go, this has fairly minor/run of the mill ones. Anything from nausea to fainting, drowsiness etc. Unfortunately it also creates an increase in appetite and, thus, weight gain. Not really what I need right now but hey-ho maybe I'll start eating regularly enough to lose weight! Interestingly, according to 'the internet' it can also cause 'nocturnal emissions' which is an amusing term for... you guessed it... wet dreams. (If you guessed flatulence, you've obviously never known a guy in puberty!)

The doctor and I came to the conclusion that I should move away from the Fluoxetine when I started not only getting unpleasant mental side effects (dizziness, disorientation, confusion, paranoia, intense and irrational fear, irritability and aggressiveness to name a few) but also some nasty physical side effects - headaches, 'gut issues' (I won't scare you with the details), difficulty regulating my body temperature, restlessness, insomnia etc. etc. We discussed me going back to NTT (Newcastle Talking Therapies) and doing more CBT but since my personal self-review is Star Wars Day (4th May for you non-nerds) and my first appointment with my psychologist is May 16th (Star Wars Day Squared!) it might not be that worth it. It's nice knowing that the option is there though - kind of comforting even.

In non-medication related news, I've got my last formal, group session at college next Tuesday - I didn't make it in this week, I just couldn't bring myself to go. No idea why, it just happens sometimes with the depression - I can sometimes barely leave the bed never mind the house! I finally managed to get all of the essay written and submitted on Tuesday. I don't remember if I've said that already but I managed it at last and I'm proud of myself so I don't mind if I say it twice. The image didn't send the first time apparently but I managed to get it sent properly today thankfully. I know I've lost a substantial amount of my grade but at the moment I consider getting the work in an achievement in itself...
I missed pole on Monday - too tired - but I'm going tomorrow before going to Nando's for lunch with Charlotte.
This month had the best payday ever so I've successfully paid of all my debts, indulged myself a little and bought some amazing little business cards from moo.com. They're incredible - I'll be posting a picture when they're delivered (on May 2nd hopefully!).
*Just got an iMessage from Charlotte - she's skint and can neither make pole nor Nando's tomorrow. Sad Panda... We've rescheduled for a week today.*

After a fun, and sedating, excursion - well, break... - I'm going to leave this here and go to make some Mexican food.
Tortillas filled with refried beans, Quorn pieces, fajita sauce, fresh salad, stir-fried vegetables and mexicana cheese.
Foodie Heaven...

Eight Days Of Fluoxetine, Three Days Of Herbalife.

As you can probably tell, today is my eighth day of taking Fluoxetine instead of Citalopram. The withdrawal symptoms from taking reduced doses of Citalopram were pretty intense. After getting over the viral infection, I still had to take the Penicillin VK until yesterday morning (horrifying tasting stuff that is...) but I was all better and things so all I had to deal with were the bizarre withdrawal symptoms of the Citalopram and the new side effects of the Fluoxetine.
Now, before I started taking it (the Fluoxetine) I'd managed to pretty much terrify myself by reading various accounts of what people had gone through for the first six weeks of taking the new medication. As far as I could tell, most people were taking it for anxiety rather than depression however, and they hadn't previously been taking an SSRI (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor such as Citalopram). Contrary to everything that I read, my first week has gone really smoothly. Even the doctor thought I'd have a hard time adjusting to the new medication but strangely, I've been alright. To be honest, on my first day of Fluoxetine, I did have a breakdown in the bathrooms at work. I think it managed to terrify everyone - they keep asking me how I am and how I'm adjusting to tills and if I'm okay. I just keep telling them that I'm feeling a lot better and that working on checkouts is better for me than the fresh department. Which it is - fresh was lonely and I had far too much time to dwell on things whereas with checkouts I can't do that.
After I got over the virus and the Citalopram withdrawal, I've not really felt anything - I don't feel worse, apart from the occasional bad spat of anxiety, but I don't feel all that better either. I'm forgetting things, spacing out, getting confused easily. I don't really feel happier or anything like that so I'm suspecting that, on Thursday, when I go back to the doctors, he'll increase my dose.

Aside from the new medication, I've also started drinking the Herbalife meal replacement shakes. They're really nice and I think I'm already noticing a difference in my eating after just three days! I'm having two shakes, two teas, two snacks and one nutritious meal per day. It feels kind of like Slimfast but I feel nowhere near as bloated and sluggish as I did after their meal replacements. It's obviously forcing me to eat a lot healthier too - even though I have approximately zero money.
Last night, my main meal was noodle salad with a whole egg. The salad part comprised of half a green pepper, half an onion, half a tiny turnip, a third of a cup of broccoli, half a cup of cos lettuce and some dried chilli salt, half a vegetable OXO cube and pepper for seasoning. It was gorgeous! Less than 300kcals too! (Notice how I've put in my MyFitnessPal page for you! My screen name's Sarah2808 should any of you wish to follow me.)

I'm hoping, once I've been paid on Friday, to get to pole dancing at least twice a week and I'm going to start walking to and from work as of tomorrow and maybe even to and from town when I'm at college and things - saves a hell of a lot of money! Also, now that I've got the spare room under control, I'm wanting to get a little space heater and use it as a yoga/pole dancing room as well. That way, not only will I - hopefully - be losing weight through Herbalife, but I'll be getting leaner and more toned through exercise too.

Well, that said, I'm off to make my morning shake (yes, I realise it's past 2pm but that's beside the point...) 

TTFN!

One Month Later

So it's been just over a month since I last posted anything here and I can't quite decide whether to say not much has happened or loads of stuff has happened... After mostly recovering from the medical shambles that was the end of January, I've been to the doctors three more times. Two check-ups and progress reports for my pills and one hospital referral for my psoriasis. During the final one, the referral, I mentioned that I was finally managing to take myself off the Diazepam - hell of a rocky road, that one! - but wasn't feeling any improvement in my anxiety or depression. I've hit a plateau. In the world of mental health medication, that means it's time to change things up a bit.
Dr Nerves double-checked the dosages I'm currently on and concluded, slightly sadly, that it was time to take me off the Citalopram in favour of something stronger. A little bit different. Unfortunately my current dosages are already at their maximums so a change means that, simply, I'll be weaned off the Citalopram, have a 'short time' with no tablets and then be slowly introduced to the upgrade.
I was, and still am, apprehensive - I didn't take well to the Citalopram in the first place never mind having to do it all again with something stronger! I told Doc that I'd have to give it a few day's thought and talk it over with my other half before I decided on anything. Naturally, he agreed, since he'd seen me the first time I had medication and we arranged to have a follow-up appointment.
I was worried about telling Matt. My mental state and my medication have already caused us enough relationship problems as it is, I don't want to make anything worse or ruin what we've got now but I don't want to live in this sort of constant depression either. I expected him to share my concerns and my apprehension but instead he looked me dead in the eye, shrugged slightly and was like, 'okay, we'll get through it - don't worry'. At first, I genuinely didn't think he realised what I was saying, like, he'd misheard me or misunderstood. I tried to remind him how awful it had been but he just wasn't swayed. I was surprised but nonetheless comforted. He's got my back. I should have known, really. After everything, after the last year, we really seem to have settled into each other. It seems like we're both happier and more relaxed - I know I can't really talk for him but I can call it as I see it. It gives me hope.

In other news, Hammerfest soon! Just the weekend after next and I can't wait! No idea how I'm going to pay for everything but not to worry, I suppose, I'll manage somehow... No doubt I'll end up borrowing money from somewhere - the bank of mum perhaps - until payday (roll on the 22nd!). I only recognise two bands in the line up and, of them, only like one but hopefully, just like Bloodstock, I'll find a few new loves. I doubt there'll be anything like Pythia but you never know I suppose... I'm mostly just looking forward to the festival itself. The fact that it's indoors should be an experience! And the fact that we'll have beds rather than sleeping bags on the floor in tents. I think I'll request that I change my meds after Hammerfest - during might have too much of an effect on me. Then again, the festival could prove a useful distraction...

Other good news - I got to change departments at work! Instead of Fresh I'm on Checkouts - yay! Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I just love being on the tills - and it comes with 7 more contracted hours and all the overtime I could possibly dream of! It'll probably be in a few weeks but I'm already doing a load of tills overtime as it is.
It's not a job I want to have for a long time but it pays the bills and keeps me out of the house. It took me long enough to get it so I was unbelievably thankful when I did - I was in shock for a week! I'm not sure if I want to meet my replacement but, since I'm going to be sitting around all day for my shifts, I'm going to start walking to work again. Plus it'll save me money. I might even see what walking into Newcastle's like. It takes just over half an hour at a decent pace and that will save me a crazy amount of money! And there's obviously the health and weight-loss benefits too... I'm planning to start running again too, as soon as the weather gets a bit nicer - I detest running in the snow/rain/cold. I'll be going back to pole as well, when my Herbalife shakes arrive, which I'm looking forward to. I've missed the metal and I was progressing so well! I'll have to upload some photos or something soon - it'd be nice to have a bit of a brag...

A Post From The Snowstorm and Happy Burns Night!

Well it's snowing outside - nothing new if you've been in the UK at all for the last fortnight - and it's forecast for about 10cm over the weekend. 10cm! That's like the middle of my shins! It's already ankle height - coming in over the tops of my shoes when I walk - it'll actually just swallow me whole if it gets  that much deeper.

That aside, most things have been going pretty well. My tattoo has healed beautifully, my degree's going well and my medication has stabilised for now. I think I'm successfully not addicted to Diazepam and my last therapy session is on the first Monday in February. It would have been last Monday but due to the inclement weather conditions, Sarah and I just spoke over the phone. We agreed that, because my anxiety was still quite an issue and I didn't really want any telephone sessions, she would provide me with a reading list of helpful books in order to try and keep everything under control. My review date for where I'm at mentally will now be May 4th (Star Wars Day!!!) rather than the 21st of April but not to worry - it's a three month wait whichever way you slice it! I've got a review at the doctors for my tablets in a week or two, I'll have to mention that I'm still getting very anxious from time to time so I'm not sure what'll be going on there. I'm fairly certain he want's to take me off the Diazepam altogether since it's so addictive but I'm just a touch worried that I'll get too anxious and things without it... Maybe he'll exchange it for something else rather than just leaving me hanging.

Work's not been too bad - that problem colleague has now mostly downgraded to telling all the staff members not to talk to me because "they'll get in trouble" since I apparently grassed him up. It's annoying but it's schoolboy stuff and I can't be bothered to get involved. This week has held loads of overtime for me - nearly twenty hours! - so that's double my contract and a bit. Because of this, I'm looking forward to my rather healthy pay slip at the end of February! To be fair, I'm going to need it - my bank account has looked rather grim since Christmas Eve. Hey ho I suppose, hopefully I'll still be able to get that grant from Student Finance for my degree. I should have applied for it in September but never mind...

When I'm not working or at college, I'm either sleeping, writing or doing housework these days. I've got a couple of photography projects to work on including some voluntary stuff for a friend and the charity, Mind. I'm at a festival on the 15th of February in Carlisle for Get Your Rock Out. It's called Rockmantic and is for all the rock 'lovers' out there. I think it a pretty cute idea to be honest and I'm really, really looking forward to going down. Hopefully if I do well enough there they'll send me to Hammerfest or Bloodstock or one of the other big festivals this year. I was asked to do Damnation for them last year but I couldn't get the time of work. I'll be buying my train tickets for Rockmantic in the morning - I'm super excited! With all of that in mind, hopefully at some point in the near future, Charlotte and I will be going down to the Warner Brothers Studio in Watford to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter for which I am even more excited!!! She's been before but really wants to go again and I've not been and am desperate to go - I had the chance last year but couldn't make it at the time, nor did I have any money for their gift shop and I would have been very sad indeed if I couldn't buy anything while I was there...

There was more that I was going to post tonight but I got distracted by a few different things at once e.g. apple crumble tart and twitter. And Pottermore. And Burns Night. And Wattpad... So nighty night. I may write more tomorrow during the break in my shifts at work. 11.30-4.30 and then 6-10 - the joys!

The End Is Nigh... Look Busy!

So next week heralds the end of my CBT sessions. I'm almost looking forward to it - my Monday mornings can be my lazy day lie-in again for the first time in forever! It's not only that though, I'm excited to be able to really have a chance to do this on my own at last - to test myself and see if I'm ready to stand up without Sarah as my weekly safety net.
Standard procedure for the end of a session of intensive CBT is 'give it three months and reevaluate'. So on March 21st - fitting, I believe at least, since it's the first day of Spring - I've got to see where I'm at and how far I've come mentally and physically as to whether I needed any top-up sessions or new courses of therapy etc. In a few weeks I'm back at the doctors to see how my medication is going. I'm finally used to not having so much Diazepam now so everything has calmed down nicely where that's concerned. Eventually I'll be able to come off everything, I think, but I'm not sure when - if tablets and them occasionally making me ill or really hyper is the price I have to pay to deal with the depression and anxiety, then I'll go through with it gladly.
As far as my psoriasis goes, it's getting steadily worse but I don't particularly want to go back to the hospital about it. I'm thinking just sun-beds and lots of intensive moisturiser - I'm not using my steroid creams at all any more, they're just too damaging for my skin. They make it thin and fragile and greasy and eventually, I get resistant to them so they stop working and I end up needing stronger ones. Frankly, they're foul. They look awful. They smell awful. They feel awful. Some of them stain clothes and bedding. It's just not fun. It could certainly be worse but if I can get by without I'm damn well going to!

On a substantially happier note, I got some new Benefit make-up recently which I've been desperate to try out properly. I got Brows A-Go-Go yesterday to go with todays eye brow waxing (first ever wax, it's really not that bad!) so I think I'm going to use that properly tomorrow when I go out to visit Stitch whom I haven't seen in quite a bit over a year. I'm taking cupcakes, six vanilla and six chocolate, as a 'sorry it's been so long but now I've got a working oven' present for him, Kymmie and Harrison. I'm looking forward to it. It's always a really relaxing environment and we've been good friends for ages ergo I'm fully intending to spend the vast majority of the day there.
I also got two assignments from college today, one is solely a photographic project - painting with light in order to advertise a product - and the other is an essay that has to be accompanied by an image in the style of the photographer that you chose to do the essay about. I'm looking forward to both of them - mostly the painting with light one, to be honest - and I've got a pretty long time to do them both too.

For the remainder of the time before I sleep I think I'm going to read. Nighty night!

Ticking along

My latest doctor's appointment, which went pleasingly well, was the day before yesterday. It was just a routine check-up for my newest meds (the Diazopam from just before Christmas). It was nice to be able to say that everything's going fine and that the tablets aren't making me sick or worse than before.
I don't know how or why it's happened, or really even when it happened to be honest, but everything has calmed down. When I say everything, I mostly mean that I have calmed down - I'm not flighty or scared or nervous all the time, I'm relaxed and composed and secure for the first time in well over a year. Matt thought the sudden change in my mental state was his fault but I think this proves that, while I'll admit sometimes he really didn't help, it was never down to him. That it was all me, all in my head.
Drinking is getting easier too - since I've settled into the medication I've stopped having panic attacks after half a bottle of slowly sipped Rekorderlig. Everything is pretty much back to normal. I'm still hearing things and I still get times when I just feel overwhelmed by things or sad/hopeless/withdrawn but I think what I have to remember is that this kind of thing - long-term, severe depression etc - takes time to heal. I just have to be patient with myself, I can't force it and neither can anyone else.
My last two CBT sessions are this Monday and the one after. Sarah and I will be working on coping, consolidation and maintenance techniques. I'm not sure if I'll be getting any more CBT sessions. Or anything like that at all. I'm not too sure whether I'd want them either. It took a very long time for me to see any benefit from them but then again, having someone who truly understood from a medical/mental point of view to talk to every week really, really helped. The support I got from Stephen and Sarah helped more than anything I guess, as well as their knowledge, of course. I guess I do want to stop this depression at the root cause but I suppose since it's major trigger was nine years ago and it's also probably a lot to do with my genetics, I'm not sure if trying to 'cure' it once and for all would actually just make things worse...
I'll have to talk to Sarah about it next week.

Beyond all of that, the new year's been pretty great! I've not really done much but work and tidy although I did meet up with Charlotte yesterday. That was really good, we had a good catch up (well, I sat and gorged myself on cheesy pasta and garlic bread in Pizza Hut while she talked at me for three hours - don't get me wrong, mind, I had a really great day seeing her for a while) and we had a bit of a shop and a bitch and a moan about things too. She's still with that good for nothing but kindling, bastard boyfriend but ever since me, Matt and my mother scared the shit out of him on the 31st, he's been treating her better. I still wish she'd just get rid of him but that's not likely to happen anytime soon unfortunately...

Anyway, that'll have to do for now, I'm after something to eat before work. TTYL!