In the last 12 months, a startling number of people I was close to have died. Last January, my Great Grandma Vi, who'd lived to the grand old age of 101, died just short of her 102nd birthday. It both was and wasn't a surprise at the same time. She was very old (obviously) and very frail but she kept her wits until the moment of her death which was wonderful. I regret not spending more time listening to her stories. After a century on this earth, she must have had some amazing ones.
Then in the summer, my step-dad's mam, Jean, died. She took ill fairly suddenly and we were told as soon as she went into hospital that she was unlikely to make it more than six more weeks. She made less than three. She passed relatively peacefully, all things considered, although the manner of her sickness was, and still is, a point of embarrassment for my step-family. Simply, she was an alcoholic. The human body just isn't equipped to deal with the volume of alcohol she took in.
In September, as I've already written, my Gran, Dorothy, died. We were incredibly close. She pretty much raised me - even though I lived with my mum and step-dad, they both worked full-time so I spent a lot of time at my Gran's house until I was in college. Her death was sudden and heart-breaking. I think what made it even worse was that she recovered from her heart operation faster than we expected - doctors and nurses on the cardiac ward included. The speed of the turnaround from fine-but-tired-after-undergoing-heart-surgery to, well, dying was enough to give even the most seasoned head-banger whiplash.
The week before last, I heard that a close childhood friend, Hal, took his own life. We'd been in the county swimming club and competed together. He was in the year above me at the same school and even though we didn't hang out often through school, we always got on well and always promised to get together more often. It never materialised, unfortunately. Through college, I'd bump into him every other week or so and we always talked as if no time had passed. I regret not talking to him more. His life was a one so full of promise. He was a musician and a writer. He'd played at festivals with his band and was looking to get books published. He would have been so great. In one way, I wonder how it went so wrong for him but then again, at the same time, I totally understand how it could have happened, even if I don't know exactly what he went through. I can wish all I want that I was there for him when, realistically, it's pointless. He had better, closer friends than me who were or should have been there for him. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter how many people are there for you, if you feel as though you have no self-worth then nothing can make it better but you. It's a catch 22 situation and it's horrible.
This year has very limited ways that it can be worse than last year. I've said that before and I was told that I was jinxing it. Fuck jinxing it. There'll be hell to pay if this year falls to shit as well as last year. Frankly, after my sorry mental state in the last few weeks, I'm not sure I'd make it if this year was worse.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Friday, 17 January 2014
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Non-NaNoWriMo Related News
As much as I'd like to write about the many things that have happened since my last proper update post, I can't. Nothing much really has happened. I've had a few NaNo meets and the washing machine broke. Plus there was a flat inspection and then the hoover broke too. Other than that very little has gone on.
College is still going fine, I'm still in my third year, still doing photography, still loving it. The only thing that's changed there is that I'm now fairly determined to do the top-up year in order to make my FdA a full BA in Photography once I've finished this summer. After my Gran died, I did a lot of thinking about it and, especially since Matt's going to be at college an extra year now, I think it's for the best. I'll get a more credible, more widely recognised and understood qualification plus more funding in that year. It may mean adjusting my work hours but hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. It'll also give me the means to set up my own business which is what I want to do in the long term after all!
Other news - exciting news, that is - concerns me going back to karate as a favourite thing and maybe, possibly opening my own club up in the spring this year. Hopefully between myself and the three/four others I'll be working with, we'll have our own permanent, 24 hour venue in which to run fitness classes, flexibility training, karate classes, kick-boxing, tae kwon do and sports massage sessions. I also want to start teaching yoga but at the moment I'm no where near good enough for that! We're going down to Birmingham in January to start our formal instructor training with a gentleman from Verve. I'm pretty excited (and simultaneously terrified).
In the same vein, I finally got approved for joining a gym by the doctor when I visited this morning. What one guy was going to charge me £20 for (and not actually give me a medical exam) I got for free from the doctor that sorts my medication. He's not my GP but at the moment he's as good as - he sorts my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets as my GP was on maternity leave at the time and I'd rather not have too many people adjusting my medication here and there as they see fit! As soon as I got the note saying that I was deemed well enough to join the gym, I dropped it off at the gym in question and booked by induction for Friday afternoon. I'm super excited for it, if I'm honest, and a little bit nervous but to be honest, that's usually the best combination.
Now that I've got that sorted, I'm going to start eating paleo (again) and stick to it through doing 80:20. In short, I'll eat paleo 80% of the time but allow myself one day (or just a few meals) that aren't paleo compliant in order to not restrict myself so much that I can't stick to the way of eating. I really want to cut back on my gluten consumption too - after reading into what gluten can actually do to your digestive system and about how people who are sensitive don't often know it, I think it'd just be safer not to eat it. After all, it could be a contributor to my psoriasis and god knows I'll do anything to get rid of that!
I'm still doing fairly well after the light treatment ended. I've got a few patches on my face that have come back but I know that if I moisturise they'll calm down and, failing that, I've still got some Eumovate and Tacrolimus ointments. It's my scalp that's doing the worst at the moment but that's due to me not using the Sebco ointment and wearing my hair up or in hats because of work and the cold... Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother keeping on top of all my creams and things because I feel so awful about myself anyway. Then I remember that I always feel better when my skin and hair look better - I worry less about my appearance and am generally happier. Plus I'm more willing to do other things to look after myself such as my CBT activities, exercise and healthy eating.
Another reason that I was at the doctors today is that I found a lump in my breast and Matt insisted that I got it checked out. My mum had a breast cancer scare earlier this year so it'd be a lie to say that I wasn't worried about it but, fortunately, the doctor thinks that it's unlikely to be anything serious and is likely just a cyst that may need drained (which is pretty disgusting but certainly not cancer so yay!) Even so, he's sending me off to the special under-30s breast clinic in the next couple of weeks to get an ultrasound just in case and for them to treat it in whatever way they see fit.
That's everything that I can think of for now but I shall be sure to update if anything else comes up!
College is still going fine, I'm still in my third year, still doing photography, still loving it. The only thing that's changed there is that I'm now fairly determined to do the top-up year in order to make my FdA a full BA in Photography once I've finished this summer. After my Gran died, I did a lot of thinking about it and, especially since Matt's going to be at college an extra year now, I think it's for the best. I'll get a more credible, more widely recognised and understood qualification plus more funding in that year. It may mean adjusting my work hours but hopefully that won't be too much of a problem. It'll also give me the means to set up my own business which is what I want to do in the long term after all!
Other news - exciting news, that is - concerns me going back to karate as a favourite thing and maybe, possibly opening my own club up in the spring this year. Hopefully between myself and the three/four others I'll be working with, we'll have our own permanent, 24 hour venue in which to run fitness classes, flexibility training, karate classes, kick-boxing, tae kwon do and sports massage sessions. I also want to start teaching yoga but at the moment I'm no where near good enough for that! We're going down to Birmingham in January to start our formal instructor training with a gentleman from Verve. I'm pretty excited (and simultaneously terrified).
In the same vein, I finally got approved for joining a gym by the doctor when I visited this morning. What one guy was going to charge me £20 for (and not actually give me a medical exam) I got for free from the doctor that sorts my medication. He's not my GP but at the moment he's as good as - he sorts my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets as my GP was on maternity leave at the time and I'd rather not have too many people adjusting my medication here and there as they see fit! As soon as I got the note saying that I was deemed well enough to join the gym, I dropped it off at the gym in question and booked by induction for Friday afternoon. I'm super excited for it, if I'm honest, and a little bit nervous but to be honest, that's usually the best combination.
Now that I've got that sorted, I'm going to start eating paleo (again) and stick to it through doing 80:20. In short, I'll eat paleo 80% of the time but allow myself one day (or just a few meals) that aren't paleo compliant in order to not restrict myself so much that I can't stick to the way of eating. I really want to cut back on my gluten consumption too - after reading into what gluten can actually do to your digestive system and about how people who are sensitive don't often know it, I think it'd just be safer not to eat it. After all, it could be a contributor to my psoriasis and god knows I'll do anything to get rid of that!
I'm still doing fairly well after the light treatment ended. I've got a few patches on my face that have come back but I know that if I moisturise they'll calm down and, failing that, I've still got some Eumovate and Tacrolimus ointments. It's my scalp that's doing the worst at the moment but that's due to me not using the Sebco ointment and wearing my hair up or in hats because of work and the cold... Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother keeping on top of all my creams and things because I feel so awful about myself anyway. Then I remember that I always feel better when my skin and hair look better - I worry less about my appearance and am generally happier. Plus I'm more willing to do other things to look after myself such as my CBT activities, exercise and healthy eating.
Another reason that I was at the doctors today is that I found a lump in my breast and Matt insisted that I got it checked out. My mum had a breast cancer scare earlier this year so it'd be a lie to say that I wasn't worried about it but, fortunately, the doctor thinks that it's unlikely to be anything serious and is likely just a cyst that may need drained (which is pretty disgusting but certainly not cancer so yay!) Even so, he's sending me off to the special under-30s breast clinic in the next couple of weeks to get an ultrasound just in case and for them to treat it in whatever way they see fit.
That's everything that I can think of for now but I shall be sure to update if anything else comes up!
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Something to chew over.
I've just posted this on my photography blog/college progress journal that I have to keep as part of my degree. It just struck me - the profound effect my mental state is having on my life and my loves. This time last year, and before then too, photography was everything to me. It's all I wanted to do. Now I hardly ever indulge it.
"So since my summer term begins on Tuesday, I thought I'd best update this again.
I'm struggling. More than I ever have before. I was supposed to hand in an essay two weeks ago. Not only did I miss the deadline because of being sick, it wasn't even finished. I've never found essays hard. Ever. But this is something else. I just can't write it. I can't formulate the words, the argument, the research. I've never just not handed work in!
I think the largest part of the reason for my dreadful attendance and shoddy punctuality is my medication and my current mental state. My struggle with severe depression and anxiety has meant that I have been unable to make it into college on several occasions. There have also been times when medical appointments have interfered with my ability to get to college. Not only that, but they've impacted on my photography. I don't go out anymore just to take photos, I don't organise shoots, I don't do gigs for GetYourRockOut, I don't do any editing. I feel like my dream of getting into the photography business is slipping through my fingers because I can't bear to do anything. I haven't got the energy or the willpower to do anything at all.
From time to time I feel like I can do it: like I can carry on and take photos, like I can make it in the industry. But really, most of the time I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time and money doing this degree. I feel utterly hopeless and lost.
I just don't know where I belong anymore.
Despite all of this, one of our current assignments is all about branding material so I've just spent a couple of hours designing some business cards. I'll be paying for them on Friday because it's payday then and I currently have less than a fiver to my name...
I'm about to start working on my creative CV and add more to my work based learning document. I'm going to email GYRO and explain why I've gone AWOL and hopefully they'll understand. That way I might be able to do some more gigs for them and maybe more interviews.
I love it when I'm there - it really is what I want to do with my life. When I was at Hammerfest in March I would have done anything to be in the pit with the rest of the photographers - it was driving me crazy just being in the crowd.
I'm still thinking of doing a journalism degree after the third year of the FdA. I'm just doubting my ability to do it I guess, along with worrying about the horrendous level of debt I'll have at that point. Heaven knows what the university fees will be like in September 2014.
I've just realised that September 2014 is terrifyingly close. It's a year and a half away. That's no time at all. I don't think I could ever possibly be ready for that!"
Find the rest of the posts - happier posts - at shootforthemoonphotography.blogspot.com
There's also examples of my photography there too!
"So since my summer term begins on Tuesday, I thought I'd best update this again.
I'm struggling. More than I ever have before. I was supposed to hand in an essay two weeks ago. Not only did I miss the deadline because of being sick, it wasn't even finished. I've never found essays hard. Ever. But this is something else. I just can't write it. I can't formulate the words, the argument, the research. I've never just not handed work in!
I think the largest part of the reason for my dreadful attendance and shoddy punctuality is my medication and my current mental state. My struggle with severe depression and anxiety has meant that I have been unable to make it into college on several occasions. There have also been times when medical appointments have interfered with my ability to get to college. Not only that, but they've impacted on my photography. I don't go out anymore just to take photos, I don't organise shoots, I don't do gigs for GetYourRockOut, I don't do any editing. I feel like my dream of getting into the photography business is slipping through my fingers because I can't bear to do anything. I haven't got the energy or the willpower to do anything at all.
From time to time I feel like I can do it: like I can carry on and take photos, like I can make it in the industry. But really, most of the time I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time and money doing this degree. I feel utterly hopeless and lost.
I just don't know where I belong anymore.
Despite all of this, one of our current assignments is all about branding material so I've just spent a couple of hours designing some business cards. I'll be paying for them on Friday because it's payday then and I currently have less than a fiver to my name...
I'm about to start working on my creative CV and add more to my work based learning document. I'm going to email GYRO and explain why I've gone AWOL and hopefully they'll understand. That way I might be able to do some more gigs for them and maybe more interviews.
I love it when I'm there - it really is what I want to do with my life. When I was at Hammerfest in March I would have done anything to be in the pit with the rest of the photographers - it was driving me crazy just being in the crowd.
I'm still thinking of doing a journalism degree after the third year of the FdA. I'm just doubting my ability to do it I guess, along with worrying about the horrendous level of debt I'll have at that point. Heaven knows what the university fees will be like in September 2014.
I've just realised that September 2014 is terrifyingly close. It's a year and a half away. That's no time at all. I don't think I could ever possibly be ready for that!"
Find the rest of the posts - happier posts - at shootforthemoonphotography.blogspot.com
There's also examples of my photography there too!
Thursday, 7 March 2013
One Month Later
So it's been just over a month since I last posted anything here and I can't quite decide whether to say not much has happened or loads of stuff has happened... After mostly recovering from the medical shambles that was the end of January, I've been to the doctors three more times. Two check-ups and progress reports for my pills and one hospital referral for my psoriasis. During the final one, the referral, I mentioned that I was finally managing to take myself off the Diazepam - hell of a rocky road, that one! - but wasn't feeling any improvement in my anxiety or depression. I've hit a plateau. In the world of mental health medication, that means it's time to change things up a bit.
Dr Nerves double-checked the dosages I'm currently on and concluded, slightly sadly, that it was time to take me off the Citalopram in favour of something stronger. A little bit different. Unfortunately my current dosages are already at their maximums so a change means that, simply, I'll be weaned off the Citalopram, have a 'short time' with no tablets and then be slowly introduced to the upgrade.
I was, and still am, apprehensive - I didn't take well to the Citalopram in the first place never mind having to do it all again with something stronger! I told Doc that I'd have to give it a few day's thought and talk it over with my other half before I decided on anything. Naturally, he agreed, since he'd seen me the first time I had medication and we arranged to have a follow-up appointment.
I was worried about telling Matt. My mental state and my medication have already caused us enough relationship problems as it is, I don't want to make anything worse or ruin what we've got now but I don't want to live in this sort of constant depression either. I expected him to share my concerns and my apprehension but instead he looked me dead in the eye, shrugged slightly and was like, 'okay, we'll get through it - don't worry'. At first, I genuinely didn't think he realised what I was saying, like, he'd misheard me or misunderstood. I tried to remind him how awful it had been but he just wasn't swayed. I was surprised but nonetheless comforted. He's got my back. I should have known, really. After everything, after the last year, we really seem to have settled into each other. It seems like we're both happier and more relaxed - I know I can't really talk for him but I can call it as I see it. It gives me hope.
In other news, Hammerfest soon! Just the weekend after next and I can't wait! No idea how I'm going to pay for everything but not to worry, I suppose, I'll manage somehow... No doubt I'll end up borrowing money from somewhere - the bank of mum perhaps - until payday (roll on the 22nd!). I only recognise two bands in the line up and, of them, only like one but hopefully, just like Bloodstock, I'll find a few new loves. I doubt there'll be anything like Pythia but you never know I suppose... I'm mostly just looking forward to the festival itself. The fact that it's indoors should be an experience! And the fact that we'll have beds rather than sleeping bags on the floor in tents. I think I'll request that I change my meds after Hammerfest - during might have too much of an effect on me. Then again, the festival could prove a useful distraction...
Other good news - I got to change departments at work! Instead of Fresh I'm on Checkouts - yay! Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I just love being on the tills - and it comes with 7 more contracted hours and all the overtime I could possibly dream of! It'll probably be in a few weeks but I'm already doing a load of tills overtime as it is.
It's not a job I want to have for a long time but it pays the bills and keeps me out of the house. It took me long enough to get it so I was unbelievably thankful when I did - I was in shock for a week! I'm not sure if I want to meet my replacement but, since I'm going to be sitting around all day for my shifts, I'm going to start walking to work again. Plus it'll save me money. I might even see what walking into Newcastle's like. It takes just over half an hour at a decent pace and that will save me a crazy amount of money! And there's obviously the health and weight-loss benefits too... I'm planning to start running again too, as soon as the weather gets a bit nicer - I detest running in the snow/rain/cold. I'll be going back to pole as well, when my Herbalife shakes arrive, which I'm looking forward to. I've missed the metal and I was progressing so well! I'll have to upload some photos or something soon - it'd be nice to have a bit of a brag...
Dr Nerves double-checked the dosages I'm currently on and concluded, slightly sadly, that it was time to take me off the Citalopram in favour of something stronger. A little bit different. Unfortunately my current dosages are already at their maximums so a change means that, simply, I'll be weaned off the Citalopram, have a 'short time' with no tablets and then be slowly introduced to the upgrade.
I was, and still am, apprehensive - I didn't take well to the Citalopram in the first place never mind having to do it all again with something stronger! I told Doc that I'd have to give it a few day's thought and talk it over with my other half before I decided on anything. Naturally, he agreed, since he'd seen me the first time I had medication and we arranged to have a follow-up appointment.
I was worried about telling Matt. My mental state and my medication have already caused us enough relationship problems as it is, I don't want to make anything worse or ruin what we've got now but I don't want to live in this sort of constant depression either. I expected him to share my concerns and my apprehension but instead he looked me dead in the eye, shrugged slightly and was like, 'okay, we'll get through it - don't worry'. At first, I genuinely didn't think he realised what I was saying, like, he'd misheard me or misunderstood. I tried to remind him how awful it had been but he just wasn't swayed. I was surprised but nonetheless comforted. He's got my back. I should have known, really. After everything, after the last year, we really seem to have settled into each other. It seems like we're both happier and more relaxed - I know I can't really talk for him but I can call it as I see it. It gives me hope.
In other news, Hammerfest soon! Just the weekend after next and I can't wait! No idea how I'm going to pay for everything but not to worry, I suppose, I'll manage somehow... No doubt I'll end up borrowing money from somewhere - the bank of mum perhaps - until payday (roll on the 22nd!). I only recognise two bands in the line up and, of them, only like one but hopefully, just like Bloodstock, I'll find a few new loves. I doubt there'll be anything like Pythia but you never know I suppose... I'm mostly just looking forward to the festival itself. The fact that it's indoors should be an experience! And the fact that we'll have beds rather than sleeping bags on the floor in tents. I think I'll request that I change my meds after Hammerfest - during might have too much of an effect on me. Then again, the festival could prove a useful distraction...
Other good news - I got to change departments at work! Instead of Fresh I'm on Checkouts - yay! Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I just love being on the tills - and it comes with 7 more contracted hours and all the overtime I could possibly dream of! It'll probably be in a few weeks but I'm already doing a load of tills overtime as it is.
It's not a job I want to have for a long time but it pays the bills and keeps me out of the house. It took me long enough to get it so I was unbelievably thankful when I did - I was in shock for a week! I'm not sure if I want to meet my replacement but, since I'm going to be sitting around all day for my shifts, I'm going to start walking to work again. Plus it'll save me money. I might even see what walking into Newcastle's like. It takes just over half an hour at a decent pace and that will save me a crazy amount of money! And there's obviously the health and weight-loss benefits too... I'm planning to start running again too, as soon as the weather gets a bit nicer - I detest running in the snow/rain/cold. I'll be going back to pole as well, when my Herbalife shakes arrive, which I'm looking forward to. I've missed the metal and I was progressing so well! I'll have to upload some photos or something soon - it'd be nice to have a bit of a brag...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)