Gym Times!

It's decided. I prefer the gym to people.

*There's quite a bit more profanity in this than I would usually use. You've been warned.*

I don't even particularly like most of the people at my gym right now.
Granted that's because I don't know them and I've only been going a few weeks and they all seem like scary, steroid-filled meatheads but still: they're preferable to most of the irl people I know. As a side note, it took me no less than seven attempts at writing 'irl' there - my mac kept correcting it to 'url'... Clearly it's not hip on the lingo at the moment. Anyway...

I've come to the realisation that most of the people I know irl just bring me down and burden me with all their shit. I am so over that. I mean come on, I'm sick of being everyone's go to girl when they're bitching and moaning about things that they could have prevented. I'm not going to go into specifics but I'm sure you get the idea.
I love helping people and being there for people but I sort of expect the same liberties. I mean if I'm having a shitty day, I want them to take five minutes out of being so wrapped up in their own problems to help me out. Of if my meds are fucking me up - I need to be able to talk about that crap. What I most certainly do not need is my so called friends to get all uncomfortable and change the subject as soon as possible. Or talk over me. Or stop talking to me at all. Or conveniently forget that we were supposed to be meeting up.
None of that. None of that shit. I'm done. What I want, what I need, is people who are going to help me. People who are going to cut me a break when I need it or, hell, even when I don't need it - just when I want it!

I'm sorry, I really am, about all the rants in the posts this week. I've just been realising a lot about myself. I haven't been taking as many propranolol as directed either - I keep forgetting - but to be perfectly honest, I think I'm coming across some fairly ground-breaking realisations about myself right now. I'm supposed to take 3 per day but they were making me really tired and even 2 a day was slashing my energy levels. Right now I'm taking 1-2 per day when I remember and I'm feeling so much better.
I'm still having really depressive days when I just can't shift the cloud. And times like yesterday I just burst into tears for no reason. Yesterday I was tense and paranoid and worried about everything and then I went to the gym and within 30 minutes I was perfectly fine. It's like freaking magic!

Then I go on Facebook (the devil in disguise) and within seconds I'm freaking miserable. I realise that I really, really don't like most of them! I don't really care about most of the ones that I haven't spoken to in months. Or who haven't made an effort to talk to me.
In fact, as of writing that last paragraph, I've gotten rid of like a fifth of my 'friends' on Facebook. Any people whose names were met with 'who the fuck are they?' or 'I'm sick of their shit.' or 'I haven't spoken to them in x years and I can't see me actually talking to them again.' have gone. I could get rid of more but I kept a few for nostalgia like school friends and the like.

I'm feeling slightly better already. I like that I've realised that my own health is important. I needed that. Especially after this summer. I don't really know what's triggered it, I think I just feel as though it's time now, to look after myself and to take care of myself until I'm better.

Back to the original point!

I love, love, LOVE the gym.

I mean, I kinda hate it when I'm sitting in bed on the internet and I know that I need to go and put on some pants (yes, underwear, not trousers - over-share, I know) and some real clothes and brush my hair and drag myself up the street to the gym where all the scary men are. But once I've done my warm up and I've started my first rep everything else just melts away.
When I'm there it becomes my form, my technique, the weight I'm lifting and how much it does (or doesn't) burn when I'm finishing my last rep. I know that I'm overweight, I don't feel any less self-conscious about my fat rolls there than anywhere else but at least, when I'm there, I can say: 'Well, fuck you all, haters,  at least I'm working on it.'
At least I've gotten my ass out of bed and into some moisture control trousers and into the gym.
And hell, this emotional benefit? I've never felt that before! Not really, anyway. I get it from yoga but it doesn't last long really. I didn't get it from karate in the later years - I mostly hated it all the time. I resented the fact that I didn't get the chance to learn. I resented the people, my instructor, all of it. I sort of got it from running but I think, mentally, I wasn't in as good a place then as I am now - I put myself down way too much to get a buzz from anything.

My diet's still pretty sucky. I could be doing that a lot better and, surprise, surprise, I guilt-trip myself about that too but it's better than it was! Apart from tea tonight. That's going to be a massive cheat...

I've decided though, that I'm going to be bad ass. I'm going to be strong and, maybe not ripped per se, but I'm going to have 'dat ass'. The ass of squats and the body of weight training. Fuck cardio workouts. Well not really. They have their uses but my workouts mostly concern of less than 10 minutes of cardio to warm up, then around 45 minutes of weights, then 10-20 minutes of cardio to cool down again.
I'm going to be military grade fit again because frankly, I owe it to myself. I don't deserve to be fat and miserable and unhealthy. Fuck that shit. All of it. Nope.

Boom inspiration! God knows where all that came from... It's true though. And this isn't going to be one of those 'does it for a month and then never again' things. This is it, baby.

I Keep Saying I'll Do This Bumf More Regularly...

I do really mean it, each and every time. I will do this more. I can blog more regularly. I do have things worth writing about sort of. Also, I can never remember, but is 'bumf' one f or two?
I realise that four days isn't exactly a long break for me but I still feel like this blogging should be a daily thing - it's not as if I think less about things now than I did a few years ago when I did #postaday on Wordpress! If anything I think more and thus, I shall post more often than I currently do.
Realistically, I think I should aim for two or three posts a week maybe even five posts then I can have two responsibility free days where I can just veg out and play lots of Pokemon X or something... That sounds fairly reasonable but I know I'm going to have to set some sort of phone reminder for this kind of thing - much like I need one for taking my meds, eating, working et cetera. That said, I should probably take my meds now - it's far later than I realised and if I don't take them now, I won't wake up in time for work in the morning.

The other day, Matt got a cold. He was really ill and pretty much couldn't function. He remained steadfast in his opinion that, if I wasn't careful, I'd get his cold/flu/virus or whatever it was. It's been going around so I pretty much expected I would get it sooner or later. I just wish that it hadn't been the day after my gym induction.
Yesterday was my much anticipated induction at Goldstar Gym across the road. Writing it like that makes it cooler because then it's like a Pokemon gym. Because of my meds, I had to go to the doctor's to get a note saying that I was fit to join the gym. When I got my appointment (the first time) it wasn't with my GP or the Dr who sorts my meds, but just with one of the others. He was nice enough but then wanted to charge me £20 for a line and a quarter saying that, yes, I could indeed go to the gym. As it happened, I didn't have my card on me at the time so couldn't pay so couldn't get a note. However, all wasn't lost as I had an appointment with my therapist the next day anyway and she's a certified doctor so I reasoned that she might be able to do it herself. When I mentioned it, she agreed that it'd likely be amazing for me but as she wasn't a medical doctor, she couldn't advise on my ability to go to the gym in regards to my medication. She did however, advise that I either go to one of the doctors at the surgery that I was familiar with and one who was familiar with me and my situation or, at least, get a second opinion as someone else might only charge me £10 or indeed do it for free. I arranged an appointment with the Dr who sorts my medication but missed it (due to my medication, ironically) and ended up having to wait nearly two more weeks to get another appointment. This one, I got through luck and good timing rather than being able to pre-book appointments. It's ridiculous how hard it is to get a doctor's appointment these days! If I want to pre-book, I have to wait over a month sometimes - it's horrendous! Anyway, I'm sure most of you have the same problem so I'm going to stop whining and get on with it. I decided, since it's so hard to get appointments, that with this one, I was going to kill three birds with one stone.
The long and short of it is, I got my note for the gym.
It took about 3 minutes for the 'assessment' from start to finish and the note (a photo of which can be found on my Instagram for which there is a link on the top right of this post). He took my pulse and blood pressure and was like: 'Well, all that seems in order, I think the gym would do you good. Here you go.'
So that was Tuesday morning. I dropped the note off at the gym straightaway, thinking that I'd likely lose it if I took it home, and arranged an induction for the following Friday (which was yesterday).

The induction itself was longer than I expected - nearly 90 minutes from start to finish - but included a set of reps of every exercise (apart from leg raises) and a diet/nutrition plan. I was pretty nervous when I got there but managed the whole thing without making a twat out of myself so I was pretty proud by the end of it. The guy doing it didn't seem overly impressed that I was vegetarian and told me repeatedly (jokingly) that I should get some chicken fillets in me or, at the very least, some cans of tuna. I said that I would try and if I couldn't digest it, I'd stick to tofu, egg whites and cottage cheese. I think I'll stick to the veggie stuff anyway unless I absolutely have to (and I can't see that ever being a thing...)
I'll write more about the gym and fitness et cetera in another post, I'm going to have to draw this one to a close soon - the Mirtazapine's hit me slightly harder and somewhat faster than I anticipated! (Notice: I took my meds, like I have to and said I would but forget to occasionally from time to time yay!) Where was I going with this..? I've completely forgotten... Oh, yes!
So this morning, I woke up with a head full of cold. It was horrendous. And the weather was really grim too - sort of not too cold but rainy and weird.
By the time I got to work, my legs were so stiff from yesterday that I could barely walk and my head was so sore it was difficult to speak. Over the course of the day I haven't really gotten much better. I've taken some cold medication and some paracetamol but it doesn't seem to have helped. My nose is all bunged up and runny as hell and now it's also really sore from wiping it all the time. I've sneezed a few times which clears my head for a few minutes at a time but never longer. Even sinus massages aren't helping - now my eye sockets just feel slightly bruised...

Anyway, it's off to sleep for me now. Hopefully I'll write tomorrow. Maybe it'll be a lament for poor old Trillians...
Nighty night folks!