Gym Times!

It's decided. I prefer the gym to people.

*There's quite a bit more profanity in this than I would usually use. You've been warned.*

I don't even particularly like most of the people at my gym right now.
Granted that's because I don't know them and I've only been going a few weeks and they all seem like scary, steroid-filled meatheads but still: they're preferable to most of the irl people I know. As a side note, it took me no less than seven attempts at writing 'irl' there - my mac kept correcting it to 'url'... Clearly it's not hip on the lingo at the moment. Anyway...

I've come to the realisation that most of the people I know irl just bring me down and burden me with all their shit. I am so over that. I mean come on, I'm sick of being everyone's go to girl when they're bitching and moaning about things that they could have prevented. I'm not going to go into specifics but I'm sure you get the idea.
I love helping people and being there for people but I sort of expect the same liberties. I mean if I'm having a shitty day, I want them to take five minutes out of being so wrapped up in their own problems to help me out. Of if my meds are fucking me up - I need to be able to talk about that crap. What I most certainly do not need is my so called friends to get all uncomfortable and change the subject as soon as possible. Or talk over me. Or stop talking to me at all. Or conveniently forget that we were supposed to be meeting up.
None of that. None of that shit. I'm done. What I want, what I need, is people who are going to help me. People who are going to cut me a break when I need it or, hell, even when I don't need it - just when I want it!

I'm sorry, I really am, about all the rants in the posts this week. I've just been realising a lot about myself. I haven't been taking as many propranolol as directed either - I keep forgetting - but to be perfectly honest, I think I'm coming across some fairly ground-breaking realisations about myself right now. I'm supposed to take 3 per day but they were making me really tired and even 2 a day was slashing my energy levels. Right now I'm taking 1-2 per day when I remember and I'm feeling so much better.
I'm still having really depressive days when I just can't shift the cloud. And times like yesterday I just burst into tears for no reason. Yesterday I was tense and paranoid and worried about everything and then I went to the gym and within 30 minutes I was perfectly fine. It's like freaking magic!

Then I go on Facebook (the devil in disguise) and within seconds I'm freaking miserable. I realise that I really, really don't like most of them! I don't really care about most of the ones that I haven't spoken to in months. Or who haven't made an effort to talk to me.
In fact, as of writing that last paragraph, I've gotten rid of like a fifth of my 'friends' on Facebook. Any people whose names were met with 'who the fuck are they?' or 'I'm sick of their shit.' or 'I haven't spoken to them in x years and I can't see me actually talking to them again.' have gone. I could get rid of more but I kept a few for nostalgia like school friends and the like.

I'm feeling slightly better already. I like that I've realised that my own health is important. I needed that. Especially after this summer. I don't really know what's triggered it, I think I just feel as though it's time now, to look after myself and to take care of myself until I'm better.

Back to the original point!

I love, love, LOVE the gym.

I mean, I kinda hate it when I'm sitting in bed on the internet and I know that I need to go and put on some pants (yes, underwear, not trousers - over-share, I know) and some real clothes and brush my hair and drag myself up the street to the gym where all the scary men are. But once I've done my warm up and I've started my first rep everything else just melts away.
When I'm there it becomes my form, my technique, the weight I'm lifting and how much it does (or doesn't) burn when I'm finishing my last rep. I know that I'm overweight, I don't feel any less self-conscious about my fat rolls there than anywhere else but at least, when I'm there, I can say: 'Well, fuck you all, haters,  at least I'm working on it.'
At least I've gotten my ass out of bed and into some moisture control trousers and into the gym.
And hell, this emotional benefit? I've never felt that before! Not really, anyway. I get it from yoga but it doesn't last long really. I didn't get it from karate in the later years - I mostly hated it all the time. I resented the fact that I didn't get the chance to learn. I resented the people, my instructor, all of it. I sort of got it from running but I think, mentally, I wasn't in as good a place then as I am now - I put myself down way too much to get a buzz from anything.

My diet's still pretty sucky. I could be doing that a lot better and, surprise, surprise, I guilt-trip myself about that too but it's better than it was! Apart from tea tonight. That's going to be a massive cheat...

I've decided though, that I'm going to be bad ass. I'm going to be strong and, maybe not ripped per se, but I'm going to have 'dat ass'. The ass of squats and the body of weight training. Fuck cardio workouts. Well not really. They have their uses but my workouts mostly concern of less than 10 minutes of cardio to warm up, then around 45 minutes of weights, then 10-20 minutes of cardio to cool down again.
I'm going to be military grade fit again because frankly, I owe it to myself. I don't deserve to be fat and miserable and unhealthy. Fuck that shit. All of it. Nope.

Boom inspiration! God knows where all that came from... It's true though. And this isn't going to be one of those 'does it for a month and then never again' things. This is it, baby.

15 Things That You Just Don't Say To Depressed People.

1. "What have you got to be depressed about?"
Someone said this to me once. He was the chief instructor at the karate club that I taught at. He then mocked me in front of the entire club at a grading. How professional... Needless to say, I haven't been back since.

2. "But you've got it so easy!"
Yeah, my life must seem pretty cushty when you compare it to other things but that's not really the point here.

3. "Why are you depressed? You're young!"
Why is age a factor? How the fuck are you to judge that?

4. "Tell your doctor that you don't need those drugs."
Well I would love to be able to tell my doctor that. Unfortunately, I've tried going without them: I had horrifying, mind-bending hallucinations, ridiculous paranoia and nearly had a full mental breakdown. I'm going to wait until they tell me that I can reduce my dose/stop taking them. Thankyouverymuch.

5. "Tell your therapist that she doesn't know what she's talking about."
I think you don't know what you're talking about.

6. "Just cheer up." "Just snap out of it." "Pull yourself together." "Get a grip."
Oh shit, man, I never thought of that! Holy crap, you have just revolutionised my life.

7. "I was depressed once."
I can't even think of something to write here. That's nice? I dunno...

8. "Why are you so miserable?"
Oh I dunno... Maybe it's just because my brain is chemically imbalanced in some way through no fault of my own - usually it's relating to how I was bullied horrifically as a child. I just can't get those negative voices out of my head now that I'm all grown up.

9. "What are you crying about now?"
Honestly? Fuck knows. I'm just really fucking sad and everything - yes, every single goddamn thing - is bothering me/making me paranoid/upsetting me. I can't control it. I can guarantee it's more annoying/scary for me than it is for you.

10. "Well [x, y and z] bad things have happened to me and I'm not depressed."
Congratulations? Well done? What do you want me to say? What are you trying to do? Are you trying to make me feel worse because that's what's happening here...

11. "You're just weak."
Thank you. Truly,  thank you, so much, for that. That's exactly what I needed right now - some heartless scumbag making me feel even more worthless.

12. "You must be so brave."
This is an odd one. It usually just makes me really uncomfortable. Is it big headed to agree? Am I being ungrateful if I disagree? Ugh just smile and nod, Sarah, accept the compliment in a noncommittal way...

13. "It must be nice."
What must be nice? Hating myself? Feeling worthless? Having no energy whatsoever? Constantly putting myself down? Being heavily reliant on medication? Yeah, it sounds like a ball. Who knows what I'm always so down about...

14. "Why would you ever want to kill yourself?!"
Wow, you honest to god really just asked me that? I'm not even... I can't even... None of the things that I want to say will organise themselves into words right now - that is how angry I am. I think I'll just stab you instead. Thanks for your judgement though. Your opinion has been noted.

15. "What's it like when you're depressed?"
Fucking horrible. I'm still human though - I can still work and clean and look after myself most of the time. I get that you're curious but you could just ask the internet before you offend someone.

These are all things that friends, co-workers, family members etc have said to me. Unfortunately, those aren't the responses I gave at the time. Nor are they really what I felt at the time either, to be honest. At the time, I tended to just be so confused/angry/upset that my ever-so-pleasant persona came over me and I answered kindly, as if talking to a curious and mildly offensive child. Or gave a sympathetic response. One of the two.
There was one occasion when I'd reached the end of my rope and I responded with: "Well, I guess when I tried, and failed, to off myself this summer, I figured that I should probably keep going to therapy and taking my meds. I think they're probably right about my depression..."

Sorry for the second rant - this wasn't deliberate, I'm just feeling cantankerous, I guess. Christmas and all that...

Oh December, I think you'll be the death of me...

I love the winter. I just really, really wish that Christmas wasn't a part of it. I used to love Christmas and to this day, I still love buying presents for people and seeing how happy it makes them. Getting presents myself makes me a little uncomfortable but that's not the issue here.
The issue is christmas music.
Carols, hymns, Mariah Carey, freaking Cliff Bloody Richard. I hate them all with a passion as burning as a thousand suns. There are three decent ones - The Pouges', Blink-182's and Chris de Burgh's.
Christmas decorations. All of the kitsch little cherubs and the creepy, rosy cheeked Santas and the stupid deelie bopper headbands and the jumpers. Oh god the jumpers. And even the onesies! This year, of course, we're inundated with onesies...
I can deal with penguins and reindeer and polar bears but only because they're actual things that I like for the rest of the year as well.

I hate to sound like a Scrooge but I just hate the hype. People are so angry this time of year and because I work in retail, Christmas is rammed down our throats like no other time of year. That and the customers are so freaking angry. All the bloody time. I feel like shouting at them that it's not my poxy fault that they've once again left their christmas shopping until the last minute and to be more organised next year. If it's so goddamn important, why don't they put more effort in?!

I'm done. I'm done with christmas cheer. I'm not going to go out of my way to be miserable or unpleasant. I'm still going to ask my customers how they're christmas shopping is going. I'm still going to be sympathetic when they tell me how disorganised they are. But there is no way in hell that I'm going to wear those fucking antlers that I was given yesterday. I nearly slapped the man who referred to me as Rudolph and I nearly threw them at the next woman who did it. I was shaking with anger then and, writing about it, I'm shaking with anger again now. I can feel my heart pounding. This shit isn't good for me!

On that note, I'm not sure Christmas - in the way that western society celebrates it anyway - isn't good for anyone else either.
My therapist told me in our last session that she always wants to check in on people more during the christmas period because of the strain it puts on people. I think, if people didn't put as much pressure on each other, they would enjoy the holiday more.

Sorry about the rant.
Well, let's face it, we all know I'm not really sorry. It was going to happen sooner or later. It's the 5th of December and I'm already sick to death of christmas. Here's hoping the rest of the month goes better...