Phobias

So, since a related event has just occurred, I thought now be an appropriate time to write about some of the things that I have fears of. My list goes thus (mostly in order):

1. Spiders - this is the big one. The only spiders I can usually 'tolerate' are the tiny, tiny, tiny ones. 
2. Centipedes/Millipedes and maggots
3. Most things that have more than four legs (why on earth would anything need more that four legs?)
4. Sharks
5. Imagined 'things' (note: this is usually when I have had a bad meds day or some such)
6. Imagined 'things' in the dark (see note above)
7. Making people angry
8. Deep water (including points 3 and 4)
9. Going crazy
10. Heights

In one fell swoop when I was putting dishes away about twenty minutes ago, I encountered fears 1 and 3. A spider eating, as in actually on top of, a wrapped up hide beetle. Now I have a thing about hide beetles because, they themselves look kinda like woodlice. Their young look like woolly maggots crossed with centipedes. In the last flat I lived in, we had a horrendous infestation of hide beetles. This infestation created the fear.

After I opened the cupboard door and saw this spider - at first I just thought it was a bit of rubbish or something - I sat there transfixed as it moved off the hide beetle then proceeded to run along the sides and back of the cupboard behind the other dishes and away into the dark. I was shaken but ok. Then everything started to itch. Now I'm afraid to pick anything up or move anything in case there's a spider underneath it. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I want to get a drink but I can't because I'm afraid to leave the room.

Now, I was due some propranolol anyway and I didn't take it before work this morning so (I know, I'm not supposed to but) I doubled my midday dose. It's taken the edge off and I've stopped shaking but it hasn't really done anything else. To be honest, when I started taking the propranolol, it made my phobias and such like worse even though it made my anxiety better.

Spiders and other creepy crawlies play the biggest part in my visual hallucinations. I see them coming out of the walls and the ceiling and crawling towards me along the floor. It's not too great. It makes me jumpy. I've mentioned this to my doctor and he at first asked me if I drank a lot because that sort of hallucination can be alcohol related. I've since found out that seeing spiders and whatnot crawling out of walls was something my great grandma saw too. Now I don't drink a lot or very often and I'm fairly certain that she was t-total so I'm not convinced it's alcohol related. As for any other reasons, I'm mildly concerned that I'm going round the bend.

I'll be sure to keep you posted...

In other news, the Herbalife thing is going fairly well. I'm not sure if I've actually lost any weight or inches because I forgot to do my measurements at the start but I'm reacting fairly badly to lots of carbs. For example, I had pizza the other night and was ill all night and the next day... I am enjoying it though so that's something at least :)

Anyway, i'm going to get back to writing my college essay - I'm fairly certain I failed the module already so I'm not sure why I'm even bothering but I just can't leave it unhanded in... 

Insomniac Ramblings

I can smell chocolate.
I don't know why and I don't know where it's coming from. But I know that I can smell it... I think it might be from when Matt was eating one of his Easter eggs earlier - there was a chocolate-looking mark on the bed where he'd been sitting.
There's also a chance that it might be coming from my Herbalife shake tub... They're chocolate flavoured and remarkably realistic! I'm enjoying having them - they're quick and easy to make, they taste good and they're generally pretty convenient. With the added weightloss bonus of course...

Anyway, back to what I was originally going to post today...
I've realised that although I started this blog with the intention of going through how I was coping with depression and anxiety and how it all made me feel, I'm not sure I've done much of that.

For me, depression makes me feel worthless and as if I'm not good enough. In turn, that stops me from trying because I believe that I'm crap anyway, so why bother?

Some days, I find it especially hard to get out of bed because I just haven't got the strength to face the day. Everything seems bleak and dark and pointless. I don't want to do anything. Anything I do do is faced done with a rather miserable attitude of 'why am I bothering, I don't want to be here' regardless of how well it's hidden.

I hate the fact that I have to fake smiles. It's exhausting. It's stupid. I don't see why I should do this for others half the time.

Of course, that, to me, comes across as extreme selfishness - something I was raised to hate and avoid at all costs.
This, ergo, makes me feel horribly guilty - like a truly despicable human being. I disgust myself and hate myself. There are times when these feelings get so bad all I want to do is die. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die.
Of course, there are the other times when I do want to take my own life. Whether it be through overdose or through cutting myself somewhere vital. Sometimes I cut myself to feel in control when everything else is too crazy. When it feels like the world has stopped turning but I haven't and all I can hear is my own mental screaming and my own voice and the other voice telling me how worthless and horrible I am. When all I can see are flaws in everything. When I feel so much that I feel nothing. The last of my most recent scars are nearly healed and the itching is driving me mad.

It's pretty tough. Sometimes, like now, I can see that I don't give myself enough credit for dealing with this and getting the help that I have. Sometimes, I don't feel like it's been enough. I know that I'm going to go to the doctors tomorrow and tell him that I don't feel any better. I'm going to tell him that I in fact feel emotionally dead most of the time. That time itself seems to take three times as long. That I'm spacing out, confused, disorientated. I'm not sure what the outcome of that will be but I'll let you know either way.

On a somewhat lighter note, Matt had his closest friend visiting today so I cooked us all whole wheat spaghetti bolognese. It was amazing. We had it with warm, freshly made bread and garlic Lurpack. There's still some bolognese left - I'm planning on having some tomorrow with rice. Or maybe just with salad. Or with pasta salad. I haven't quite decided. Obviously...

Normal People Things

Aside from all the medication, I've recently been doing more normal things like going out for drinks with Emily and going to a Spring Break themed house party hosted by two of the guys I know.

On Friday, with Emily, after squeeing over her baby turtles for a few hours, I went to Tokyo (a cocktail bar in Newcastle, not the capital of Japan) and in the space of three hours we managed to spend £120 of her fiancé's money. She matched me drink for drink (most of which were £7 or £7.50) and then, the next day, was violently ill. I was hungover but, all in all, fine. In the course of the night, one girl and her friend told me I looked 'a bit too booby' and 'awful' which I (and my 36DDs) found very amusing. She insinuated that I was a slut - while dressed like one herself. Personally, I had no make-up on, was wearing a red, thigh-length jumper with a shallow v-neck, galaxy print leggings (not BlackMilk unfortunately) and red converse type shoes. She had a black and white geometric print dress that barely covered her arse and (small) chest and had a shovel full of make-up on. Clearly it was my naked skin that offended her. When I mentioned this to the barman, he offered to spit in her drink.
Later on, another girl asked one of the girls serving on the bar if Tokyo was in China. This resulted in me having a long and arduous conversation enlightening her to the placement of Tokyo in Japan and that, no, Japan is not in China either.
When I got home, Matt was amused at how incredibly mashed I was and later complained that it was 'an absolute mission' to get me to drink an Alka-Seltzer before bed. He was convinced I was going to throw up but I didn't even though I felt like it later when I was at work...
If you ever go to Tokyo, get the Eggs Benedictine and the Tokyo Zombie - they're both absolutely incredible.

On Saturday, after the theatre (Cinderella on Ice with the Russian Ice Stars), I headed over to Andy and Andrew's for their Spring Break party. They even had an inflatable palm tree in the front room! It was an amazing night. I took it pretty easy, after drinking all night the night before and being busy all day Saturday, I really couldn't be bothered. Still with limbo competitions and dance offs, everybody had lots of drunken fun. I'm definitely looking forward to the summer one during which there'll be a BBQ and they'll actually be using the inflatable palm tree for it's true purpose - a giant ice bucket and drinks holder!!!

As for today, I spent the first half writing and the rest doing house work. Now that Matt's heading to Tae Kwon Do, I'm going to do some flexibility training and yoga before making something nice and healthy for tea.

Eight Days Of Fluoxetine, Three Days Of Herbalife.

As you can probably tell, today is my eighth day of taking Fluoxetine instead of Citalopram. The withdrawal symptoms from taking reduced doses of Citalopram were pretty intense. After getting over the viral infection, I still had to take the Penicillin VK until yesterday morning (horrifying tasting stuff that is...) but I was all better and things so all I had to deal with were the bizarre withdrawal symptoms of the Citalopram and the new side effects of the Fluoxetine.
Now, before I started taking it (the Fluoxetine) I'd managed to pretty much terrify myself by reading various accounts of what people had gone through for the first six weeks of taking the new medication. As far as I could tell, most people were taking it for anxiety rather than depression however, and they hadn't previously been taking an SSRI (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor such as Citalopram). Contrary to everything that I read, my first week has gone really smoothly. Even the doctor thought I'd have a hard time adjusting to the new medication but strangely, I've been alright. To be honest, on my first day of Fluoxetine, I did have a breakdown in the bathrooms at work. I think it managed to terrify everyone - they keep asking me how I am and how I'm adjusting to tills and if I'm okay. I just keep telling them that I'm feeling a lot better and that working on checkouts is better for me than the fresh department. Which it is - fresh was lonely and I had far too much time to dwell on things whereas with checkouts I can't do that.
After I got over the virus and the Citalopram withdrawal, I've not really felt anything - I don't feel worse, apart from the occasional bad spat of anxiety, but I don't feel all that better either. I'm forgetting things, spacing out, getting confused easily. I don't really feel happier or anything like that so I'm suspecting that, on Thursday, when I go back to the doctors, he'll increase my dose.

Aside from the new medication, I've also started drinking the Herbalife meal replacement shakes. They're really nice and I think I'm already noticing a difference in my eating after just three days! I'm having two shakes, two teas, two snacks and one nutritious meal per day. It feels kind of like Slimfast but I feel nowhere near as bloated and sluggish as I did after their meal replacements. It's obviously forcing me to eat a lot healthier too - even though I have approximately zero money.
Last night, my main meal was noodle salad with a whole egg. The salad part comprised of half a green pepper, half an onion, half a tiny turnip, a third of a cup of broccoli, half a cup of cos lettuce and some dried chilli salt, half a vegetable OXO cube and pepper for seasoning. It was gorgeous! Less than 300kcals too! (Notice how I've put in my MyFitnessPal page for you! My screen name's Sarah2808 should any of you wish to follow me.)

I'm hoping, once I've been paid on Friday, to get to pole dancing at least twice a week and I'm going to start walking to and from work as of tomorrow and maybe even to and from town when I'm at college and things - saves a hell of a lot of money! Also, now that I've got the spare room under control, I'm wanting to get a little space heater and use it as a yoga/pole dancing room as well. That way, not only will I - hopefully - be losing weight through Herbalife, but I'll be getting leaner and more toned through exercise too.

Well, that said, I'm off to make my morning shake (yes, I realise it's past 2pm but that's beside the point...) 

TTFN!