Like legit happy, not "I've had so many tablets today you could shoot me and I'd hug you" happy but actually happy. Like lighter and not held down by this giant depressive black cloud. Not on a tightrope above that abyss. Not so alone that all the people in the world couldn't make me feel wanted.
It's beautiful.
It's humbling.
I think most of all, it's terrifying, because it's come out of nowhere but there is no way in hell that I'm taking it for granted.
I think I know it's down to the Mirtazapine but I'm happy that I've finally found a medication that it making me better rather than not having an effect or making me worse. I like that it's pretty much almost stopped with the auditory hallucinations too - they were annoying although they weren't as bad as the mind-fuckery I've had with everything else!
My urge to eat everything has calmed down for the most part too which is really nice given that I was starting to get proper fat... I'm trying not to weigh myself these days so much because it's too much of a risk with my mood. If I lose weight, I either get super happy and determined to carry on or I get complacent and 'treat' myself. If I gain weight, I usually get super down because I've been trying really fucking hard or I get depressed because I tell myself I haven't been trying enough and that I'm worthless and so on and so forth... Very occasionally, if that little number on the display goes up I can go easy on myself, saying that maybe I haven't been as good as I could have been but not to worry or I can remember that sometimes weight just does that depending on so many different things like water retention, digestion, 'time of the month' blah, blah, blah. Usually it's the former though. It can get pretty brutal...
In diet related news, I've officially started the Whole30 plan for this month (as of July 2nd). I've had a couple of slip-ups (I know, I know, it's only been four days, how can I possibly have slipped up already) but that's okay. I've had one totally perfect day so far and as for the slip-ups: one, I didn't even realise what I was eating had sugar in it and two of them were 'special occasions' (a meal with a friend today and lunch delivered by my mam yesterday when I was having a rather turbulent day).
Another plus, in my book anyway, when I have slipped up, I haven't scrapped the rest of the day. I've stuck to the plan and I've eaten well. I know it doesn't make it better but damage control is better than no control in my opinion.
One of my favourite things right now, on the Whole30 program is Nakd bars. They're compliant with the paleo diet and the Whole30 program, they're really filling, super tasty and really handy on the go so I'm not tempted to go off the clean eating. On that note, I've just found this which is amazing and is going to save me unprecedented amounts of money in the future - Nakd bars are also really quite expensive... I'm going to go and make some cherry and ginger bars when I get in from work tomorrow.
Right now, I'm sitting listening to Taylor Swift - nothing specific really, just the four albums (I think) - with my hair full of Marilyn and my skin covered in Dream Cream (well okay, I've got Tacrolimus on my face - more on that in a moment) and it's pretty nice. Matt's away at a festival and, while yesterday was a little weird, I think I'm enjoying the time to myself. I tidied a bit yesterday and my mum came over - she cleaned my bathroom while she was here - and I've got almost all of the washing done. Now I can just relax I guess.
Yesterday was probably so strange because it's the first time I've been here without Matt - I kept expecting him to come in from work or something! He texted this morning saying they were heading down to the festival and that he'd talk to me later but I told him not to worry about it. I don't want him thinking he has to text me while he's away - I want him to go and enjoy himself and do whatever people do at open air jazz festivals. He's due back on either Monday or Tuesday since he doesn't have his return journey sorted yet (if that was me, I'd be going mad with worry thinking that I'd get stuck in London forever or something equally insane). I think my only complaint is that time seems to be going really, really slowly! I can't believe that he only left yesterday and that it's still Friday! I mean what the hell is up with that? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but since it's current events and I'm not catatonic in anyway and I'm coping very well, I thought it was worth a mention... (I did expect to be absolutely fine - I think Matt was just worried that I'd have worked myself up into such a state worry and panic and misery that I'd off myself or something... I'll have you know I cope fine on my own, it's adding other people to the equation that causes problems!)
As for Marilyn and Dream Cream - if you don't already know - they're Lush products. Dream Cream is my favourite moisturiser and Marilyn is a hair moisturiser and lightener filled with camomile and lemon juice that stops brassy tones building up. I've not used it before (bought it earlier today) and I'm looking forward to seeing how good it is! I was planning on having a Lush bath bomb bath once I finished this post but as it's already after 11pm I'm really not going to have time. I might have to leave this in over night... I've just noticed how gorgeous and lemony my hair smells! So nice! Here's hoping it's a little lighter too by the morning. I think I might put Superbalm on my scalp tonight, instead of the scalic acid/coal tar/coconut oil compound stuff that the hospital gave me. I know the hospital one works but it smells awful and doesn't half linger... I also think that the scalp psoriasis I had is mostly gone now (due to the hospital ointment). It worked really quickly and really well which was pretty incredible - it's never really happened like that before. The tacrolimus is shockingly good too. Cleared my face and ears in a matter of days. Burned to hell for the first week but it was a pretty amazing transformation! I've got to stop using it on Monday though because my light treatment starts soon and it makes my skin more sensitive to sunlight and thus more prone to burning horribly with the light treatment.
In all honesty, they're yet to NOT burn me at the hospital with the broadband UVB anyway! I'd rather not risk them doing it worse than the two previous occasions though - they were more than bad enough. The first time was 3rd degree burns down my upper arms and the second were the same degree but blistered across my nose and cheek bones. Both very painful and very icky to say the least.
I had my assessment with Newcastle Psychological Services on Monday just gone. It went pretty well but there's a three to four month waiting list unfortunately. I said that I wasn't fussy on which psychologist I saw, I just wanted to be seen sooner rather than later to get all of the nasty stuff over with.
By nasty stuff I just mean the whole part where it gets worse before it gets better. It's already been a year and I have come one hell of a long way since then. I still just want to be better now.
With the assessment, I was discharged from Newcastle Talking Therapies and, like last time, I am able to go back to the service any time I feel that I need to. Hopefully I won't need to but it's nice to always have the option for it if I need it rather than be totally on my own. The psychologist I saw recommended a few different things for me in the waiting time between now and getting my psychologist: reading material "A Mindful Way Through Depression" and group therapy with Tyneside Women's Health. I think I'm going to give the mindfulness thing a shot before the group therapy. I dunno why I'm so apprehensive about it. I guess I'm just scared of being judged or, worse, scared of being too judgmental of others. I terrible with stuff like that - especially when it's other women whom I don't know. If I know them first then I'm totally fine but if it's a stranger going on about their problem it's 50/50 whether my internal reaction will be sympathetic or whether it'll be bitter and malicious. It's horrible, I feel like I can't control it! The level of contempt I have for some other people really gets to me sometimes because I don't know why I have such strong feelings about them.
I guess, just like everything else, it's something I'm going to have to work through and unravel slowly...
Well, I'm getting pretty sleepy now so I'm going to wrap my hair up, take my meds and get myself to bed! Night folks, I hope this makes up for the lack of recent posting and I promise I'll post again over the weekend about Camp NaNoWriMo and applying to be an ML for Newcastle/Durham. Byee xoxo
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