Oh December, I think you'll be the death of me...

I love the winter. I just really, really wish that Christmas wasn't a part of it. I used to love Christmas and to this day, I still love buying presents for people and seeing how happy it makes them. Getting presents myself makes me a little uncomfortable but that's not the issue here.
The issue is christmas music.
Carols, hymns, Mariah Carey, freaking Cliff Bloody Richard. I hate them all with a passion as burning as a thousand suns. There are three decent ones - The Pouges', Blink-182's and Chris de Burgh's.
Christmas decorations. All of the kitsch little cherubs and the creepy, rosy cheeked Santas and the stupid deelie bopper headbands and the jumpers. Oh god the jumpers. And even the onesies! This year, of course, we're inundated with onesies...
I can deal with penguins and reindeer and polar bears but only because they're actual things that I like for the rest of the year as well.

I hate to sound like a Scrooge but I just hate the hype. People are so angry this time of year and because I work in retail, Christmas is rammed down our throats like no other time of year. That and the customers are so freaking angry. All the bloody time. I feel like shouting at them that it's not my poxy fault that they've once again left their christmas shopping until the last minute and to be more organised next year. If it's so goddamn important, why don't they put more effort in?!

I'm done. I'm done with christmas cheer. I'm not going to go out of my way to be miserable or unpleasant. I'm still going to ask my customers how they're christmas shopping is going. I'm still going to be sympathetic when they tell me how disorganised they are. But there is no way in hell that I'm going to wear those fucking antlers that I was given yesterday. I nearly slapped the man who referred to me as Rudolph and I nearly threw them at the next woman who did it. I was shaking with anger then and, writing about it, I'm shaking with anger again now. I can feel my heart pounding. This shit isn't good for me!

On that note, I'm not sure Christmas - in the way that western society celebrates it anyway - isn't good for anyone else either.
My therapist told me in our last session that she always wants to check in on people more during the christmas period because of the strain it puts on people. I think, if people didn't put as much pressure on each other, they would enjoy the holiday more.

Sorry about the rant.
Well, let's face it, we all know I'm not really sorry. It was going to happen sooner or later. It's the 5th of December and I'm already sick to death of christmas. Here's hoping the rest of the month goes better...

Ticking along

My latest doctor's appointment, which went pleasingly well, was the day before yesterday. It was just a routine check-up for my newest meds (the Diazopam from just before Christmas). It was nice to be able to say that everything's going fine and that the tablets aren't making me sick or worse than before.
I don't know how or why it's happened, or really even when it happened to be honest, but everything has calmed down. When I say everything, I mostly mean that I have calmed down - I'm not flighty or scared or nervous all the time, I'm relaxed and composed and secure for the first time in well over a year. Matt thought the sudden change in my mental state was his fault but I think this proves that, while I'll admit sometimes he really didn't help, it was never down to him. That it was all me, all in my head.
Drinking is getting easier too - since I've settled into the medication I've stopped having panic attacks after half a bottle of slowly sipped Rekorderlig. Everything is pretty much back to normal. I'm still hearing things and I still get times when I just feel overwhelmed by things or sad/hopeless/withdrawn but I think what I have to remember is that this kind of thing - long-term, severe depression etc - takes time to heal. I just have to be patient with myself, I can't force it and neither can anyone else.
My last two CBT sessions are this Monday and the one after. Sarah and I will be working on coping, consolidation and maintenance techniques. I'm not sure if I'll be getting any more CBT sessions. Or anything like that at all. I'm not too sure whether I'd want them either. It took a very long time for me to see any benefit from them but then again, having someone who truly understood from a medical/mental point of view to talk to every week really, really helped. The support I got from Stephen and Sarah helped more than anything I guess, as well as their knowledge, of course. I guess I do want to stop this depression at the root cause but I suppose since it's major trigger was nine years ago and it's also probably a lot to do with my genetics, I'm not sure if trying to 'cure' it once and for all would actually just make things worse...
I'll have to talk to Sarah about it next week.

Beyond all of that, the new year's been pretty great! I've not really done much but work and tidy although I did meet up with Charlotte yesterday. That was really good, we had a good catch up (well, I sat and gorged myself on cheesy pasta and garlic bread in Pizza Hut while she talked at me for three hours - don't get me wrong, mind, I had a really great day seeing her for a while) and we had a bit of a shop and a bitch and a moan about things too. She's still with that good for nothing but kindling, bastard boyfriend but ever since me, Matt and my mother scared the shit out of him on the 31st, he's been treating her better. I still wish she'd just get rid of him but that's not likely to happen anytime soon unfortunately...

Anyway, that'll have to do for now, I'm after something to eat before work. TTYL!